Customer: *looking directly at the draught* “What have you got on tap?”

Me: “We have Stella, Staropramen, Becks Vier, Leffe, Hoegaarden, Franziskaner and Guiness on tap, sir.”

Customer: *sighs* “Have you got Carling?”

Me: “I’m afraid not, sir…”

(I run through everything on tap again, slightly slower, and clearer this time.)

Customer: “No Budweiser?”

Me: “I’m afraid not, sir…”

(Again I list everything on draught.)

Customer: “Oh, I suppose I’ll just have a Kronenberg then.”

Me: “I’m afraid we don’t stock that product, sir.”

Customer: “Sorry, I meant a Fosters.”

Me: *deep breath* “I apologise once again sir, but we don’t serve Fosters. We only serve…”

(I run through the draught again.)

Customer: “Okay, okay…bloody h***, I’m not stupid you know!”

Me: “I apologize if I offended you, sir.”

Customer: “I should think so. Pint of Worthingtons then.”

Me: “…” *deep breath* “Tom! Your customer!”

(The phone rings at around six-ish.)

Me: “Hello, this is D-…”

(I hear loud crying in the background.)

Man: “Hello, Disney World? I’m just calling to say that if my children don’t finish their vegetables in the next five minutes, we won’t be visiting you this year.”

Me: “I… er… What?”

Man: *whispering* “Thank you.” *click*

(It is Ash Wednesday and we have kids from next door come over for Mass in the morning. I’m serving as a communion minister as the kids start to come up. One little guy comes up right away and just stands there with his hands at his sides looking at me.)

Me: “Do you take communion yet?”

Boy: “Do those have peanuts?”

Me: “?”

Boy: “‘Cause I can’t have peanuts.”

Me: “No peanuts here, but have you had communion yet?”

Boy: “I don’t think I should, just in case there’s peanuts. I can’t have any.”

Me: “How about we just give you a blessing, then?”

(I make the sign of a cross on his forehead and give him a blessing.)

Boy: “Thanks, maybe next time there won’t be any peanuts. I can’t have those.”

(I wonder if we should make up a “Jesus – Now Peanut Free!” sign, just in case.)

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Customer: “Do you have that movie with that guy?”

Me: “Which guy?”

Customer: “Don’t you know what I’m talking about?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I don’t, but if you could tell me which actor was in the movie perhaps I could think of it for you.”

Customer: “You know, that one that was in that movie.”

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(We have a “buy two, get one free” sale right after Christmas. The sign clearly says “lowest item free.”)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to buy these…” *shows me two $2.99 games for the Gamecube* “…and get this one free.” *shows me a used copy of Halo 3 for $54.99*

Me: “I’d like a million dollars.”

Customer: “I’m serious!”

Me: “So am I, sir. I’m sorry, that’s not how the ‘buy two, get one free’ works. You’d get one of the $2.99 games free.”

Customer: “THAT’S NOT WHAT THE SIGN SAYS! IT SAYS ‘BUY TWO, GET ONE FREE’!”

(I take the sign off wall and read it to customer.)

Me: “‘Buy two games, get one free’ on all used games. Please note that the lowest priced item will be free.”

Customer: “That’s not what the sign says! I’m going to sue you for false advertising!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t believe you can sue me because you can’t read.”

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