Me: “Thank you for calling [University]. What can I help you with today?”

Caller: “Yes, hi. I would like to know how to be an alumni. Like, how do I get the alumni membership of this university?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, have you graduated from our university?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “So you are still attending this university at the moment?”

Caller: “No. I just want the benefits. I can get money off of my insurance, but I need you to make me an alumni officially.”

Me: “Have you ever attended our university?”

Caller: *impatient* “No! Can you just tell me how to do this?”

Me: “Well, an alumni is someone who has graduated with an actual degree from the university. You cannot be an alumni unless you have graduated with a degree.”

Caller: *silent*

Me: “One of our degrees.”

Caller: *still silent*

Me: “Only graduates from our university can have our alumni benefits.”

Caller: “What?!”

Me: “You can’t be an alumni and have those benefits without graduating from here.”

Caller: “What? I just want it for insurance. How come you can’t understand this?!”

(This went on for another fifteen minutes before she gave up!)

(A regular customer approaches me holding up a small blue plastic square.)

Customer: “Do you have these?”

Me: “Oh, is that one of the puppy pads?”

Customer: “No, it’s for my wife.”

(He then proceeds to unfold it. It is one of the large medical pads that go on beds under people suffering from incontinence, which happens to look like a large version of a puppy pad.)

Me: “Oh, yes, sorry, they’re right this way.”

(The customer follows me. When I hand him the product, he claims that is not it and holds the pad closer to me and shows me the other side. An awful smell emits from it. The cotton inside is crumbling from all the human urine it is holding.)

Customer: “NO! I want one of these! You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

(I stand in shock as he slaps his hand against the urine. He then walks off and I go to inform the manager so they can have the customer remove the item from the store. The worst part? The customer wanders into produce and starts picking through the grapes with his urine-covered hands. We had to compost out the whole grape bin!)

(A middle-aged customer approaches me at checkout.)

Me: “Your total comes to $15.65.”

Customer: “Oh! That’s the year I was born!”

(We close at 10 PM. Ten minutes to closing, I am near the entrance folding clothes when a middle-aged customer walks up.)

Customer: “What time y’all close?”

Me: “We close at 10:00.”

Customer: *looks at the clock, which says 9:50 pm* “Oh, good! That means I have a half hour!”

(I look young for my age and see no point in getting aggressive when asked for ID. However, the picture is old and has been refused before, so I try to get by without it. Alcohol is generally cheaper in Northern Ireland and I’m originally from a border town. This happens on a trip “up North” with friends from “the South”, AKA the Republic of Ireland.)

Cashier: *before scanning a bottle of wine in my basket* “Have you any ID?”

Me: “It’s out in the car somewhere, but I am 23.”

My Friend: “I can vouch for her. She is of age.”

Cashier: “Sorry, but I can’t let her without seeing ID. It’s store policy.”

My Friend: “Okay, then, I’ll pay for it.”

Cashier: “Can’t do that either. I’m sorry, but I’m just doing my job.”

Me: “It’s fine, really. It happens all the time. I’ll just get the groceries.”

Cashier: “I’m really sorry. Just we get a lot of young ones in trying to buy drinks.”

Me: “I know. I’m from [town just over the border]. We used to come up here all the time when we were younger.”

Cashier: “I feel terrible. Most people get angry, but you’re being so nice!”

Me: “It happens all the time; don’t worry! There’s no point getting angry; it’s your job to ask.”

(I go out to the car, get my passport, and make sure to go back through her lane.)

Me: “Back again! The picture’s old, but it is me, I promise!”

Cashier: *checks picture and DOB* “I’ll tell you now, when you’re my age, you’ll appreciate being asked! Thanks a million! It’s great to not be shouted at for once!”