Calling B.S. On Your B.S.

Me: “Thank you for calling [University]. What can I help you with today?”

Caller: “Yes, hi. I would like to know how to be an alumni. Like, how do I get the alumni membership of this university?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, have you graduated from our university?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “So you are still attending this university at the moment?”

Caller: “No. I just want the benefits. I can get money off of my insurance, but I need you to make me an alumni officially.”

Me: “Have you ever attended our university?”

Caller: *impatient* “No! Can you just tell me how to do this?”

Me: “Well, an alumni is someone who has graduated with an actual degree from the university. You cannot be an alumni unless you have graduated with a degree.”

Caller: *silent*

Me: “One of our degrees.”

Caller: *still silent*

Me: “Only graduates from our university can have our alumni benefits.”

Caller: “What?!”

Me: “You can’t be an alumni and have those benefits without graduating from here.”

Caller: “What? I just want it for insurance. How come you can’t understand this?!”

(This went on for another fifteen minutes before she gave up!)