Archive for 2012

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Better Have A Big Fat Awesome Apology

| Tuscaloosa, AL, USA | Romantic | October 17, 2012

(My boyfriend and I are walking out of the restaurant after eating dinner. I go to kiss him and he pokes me in the side.)

Boyfriend: *poke*

Me: “Don’t do that!”

Boyfriend: *poke*

Me: “Stop poking my fat!”

Boyfriend: “It’s not fat, it’s concentrated awesome!”

Related:
Better Have A Big Fat Apology, Part 3
Better Have A Big Fat Apology, Part 2
Better Have A Big Fat Apology

Murder, He Wrote, Part 2

| Memphis, TN, USA | Romantic | October 17, 2012

(My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship, and text each other almost constantly to keep close.)

Boyfriend: “You’re petty.”

Me: “…I guess a little… sometimes… sorry?”

Boyfriend: “PRETTY! I meant pretty! Stupid swype!”

Related:
Murder, He Wrote

Real Friends

| Romantic | October 17, 2012

There’s Something In Those Poppy Seeds

, | NYC, NY, USA | Right | October 16, 2012

(My boss is known for being very strict, and demanding ‘good customer relations.’ He reprimands us if we say things that he thinks are ‘unprofessional,’ which has forced us to be very formal with everyone who comes into the shop. Today, he’s running late.)

Customer: “Can I get a toasted everything bagel, and-” *turns to daughter* “What do you want?”

Customer’s daughter: *about eight years old* “Poppy seeds and cream cheese!”

Customer: “…and a poppy seed bagel with cream cheese.”

Co-worker: “Sure, here’s your poppy seed. Just give me a minute to toast the everything.”

Customer’s daughter: *after a few seconds* “Mommy.”

Customer: “We’re almost ready to go, dear, mommy just needs her bagel too.”

Customer’s daughter: “Mommy…I dropped my bagel and the cream cheese is dirty.”

Co-worker: “Don’t worry about it. Here’s a new one for free.”

Customer’s daughter: *very excited* “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

Customer: “Bagel bagel bagel bagel!”

Me: *handing the customer her bagel* “Here’s your BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

Coworker: *joining in* “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

(Suddenly, my boss walks in the door. My coworker, the customer, and I all shut up and look embarrassed. The daughter doesn’t stop.)

Customer’s daughter: “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

Boss: “When in Rome. BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

All three of us: “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

(My boss is still serious, but whenever that customer comes in, he starts screaming ‘BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL’ over and over again!)

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Either Way, Their Works Are Ear-Splitting

| OH, USA | Right | October 16, 2012

(I am working the till when a teenage male customer comes up to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have any albums by Vincent Van Gogh?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Vincent Van Gogh.”

Me: “Umm, you do know this is a music store, right?”

Customer: “Yeah. Do you have anything by Vincent Van Gogh or not?”

Me: “No. Vincent Van Gogh was a painter, not a musician.”

Customer: “What?! But didn’t he do that song, Starry Night?”

Me: “Sir, Starry Night is the name of one of Van Gogh’s paintings.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Ah, geez. I asked my girlfriend who her favorite artist was. She must’ve misunderstood the question. Hang on, let me go talk to her.”

(He leaves. A few minutes later, he comes back.)

Customer: “Sorry about that. Do you have anything by Michael Bolton?”

Me: “Yes we do. Would you like me to show you?”

Customer:“Yes! Thank God, I thought he’d be another painter!”

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