Me: “…and your total comes to $10.28.”

Customer: “No, it doesn’t. I bought two shirts.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but today is a buy 1, get 1 free sale on all women’s apparel.”

Customer: “Is this some sort of scheme? Because I’m not gonna pay unless I pay for both! I ain’t falling for no scheme!”

Me: “Miss, I can assure you that today is a a buy 1, get 1 free sale.”

Customer: *throws down a $20 and a $1 and storms out of the store*

(I’m working at a well-known family diner. I am one of the gayest men you might ever meet and am serving two elderly ladies.)

Me: “Hello, ladies! It is very nice to meet you. My name is [name]. You ladies look sharp today! What can I get you to drink?”

(I take their drink order, return just moments later, and take their food order. They are acting completely fine, until…)

Customer #1: “Here, honey, this is for you. You look like you need it.”

(She hands me a book on how homosexuality is inappropriate and an abomination. I have faced this before, so to avoid conflict I give them the following response.)

Me: “Oh, great! My girlfriend will love this!”

Customer #2: “Oh, nevermind, honey. You won’t need that, then! You never know where these homos are hiding now a days!”

(I start to tear a little bit. My manager happens to be gay as well and overhears this.)

Manager: “HEY! I do not ever want you to lie to a customer just to avoid a conflict! You are one of my best employees, and I will not have some bigoted customers putting you down. Ma’ams, I would greatly appreciate it if you left my establishment and do not return. If you cannot handle him as a gay man, then you do not deserve him as a straight man!”

(I’m working on a particularly stormy day at the pet store. Lights are flickering and the wind is rattling the doors and siding of the store. Everyone is visibly terrified, save for one unscathed customer.)

Customer: “I’m looking for a hamster for my daughter.”

Me: “Uh, sure, sir… our hamsters are over here. We have quite a selection and I can open the bins if you see one you’d like to hold.”

Customer: “These are all males. I’m looking for a female.”

Me: “I apologize for that sir. We only carry one gender to keep from in-store breeding. It’s in the best interest of the pets’ health and customer satisfaction, and we’re a male store.”

Customer: “You mean I HAD to drive all the way in THIS storm for a hamster you don’t even have?”

Me: “Well, you didn’t have to. But if you’d like, we have a female store located close by.”

Customer: “No way. Only a psycho would drive in this weather!”

(My coworker and I are doing a child safety promotion in front of a supermarket on Easter weekend. The neighborhood happens to be predominantly Jewish, and 95% of the customers coming in are wearing yarmulkes or headscarves. The vast majority of the men also have the traditional peyot—the curled sideburns.)

Me: *to a customer* “Hi, did you want us to fingerprint your kids? It’s free, and it’s just for you to take home.”

Customer: “No thanks.”

Me: “Okay, have a great day!”

Coworker: “…and have a happy Easter!”

Customer: *gives my coworker a weird look and walks out*

Me: *to my coworker* “I don’t think they celebrate Easter.”

Coworker: “Why not?”

Me: “They’re Jewish.”

Coworker: “How can you tell?”

Me: “Did you see those hats the men wore? Those are Yarmulke. It’s part of the Jewish religion.”

Coworker: “Okay…”

(The next customer comes out, the scenario repeats, and again, my coworker says “Happy Easter” to someone in a Yarmulke.)

Me: “You know, if you keep doing that, you might offend someone.”

Coworker: “But who doesn’t love Jesus?!”

(There is a huge sign advertising my favorite gum for 2 for $2.22. I grab two packs and head to the register, where the cashier rings me up for full price.)

Me: “Hey, I thought that gum was on sale for 2 for $2.22.”

Cashier: “That’s not right.”

Me: “What about the huge sign that says ‘2 for $2.22’?”

Cashier: “That was last month.”

Me: *points to the huge sign that says ‘2 for $2.22’*

(Without a word, the cashier walks across to the sign and rips it down.)

Cashier: “There! No more 2 for $2.22!”