(I’m at work when a teenage customer sees a bracelet I’m wearing.)

Teenage Customer: *looking at my bracelet* “What’s that say?”

Me: “Our hearts are heavy burdens we shouldn’t have to bear alone.”

Teenage Customer: “That’s nice. What’s it from?”

Me: “A song by Go Radio.”

Teenage Customer: “Can I have your bracelet?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Teenage Customer: “Your bracelet. Can I have it?”

Me: “Sorry, but this was given to me by the band when I saw them last October.”

Teenage Customer: “But I WANT it!”

Me: “Sorry, but if you want one like this, you either have to see them on tour or go on their webstore. I’m sure they’ll have them in either place.”

(Suddenly, the teenage customer freaks and GRABS at my wrist, slapping the counter when I pull it back.)

Teenage Customer: “I WANT THAT ONE! Why are YOU so special that they gave it to you?!”

Me: “Some little teenage brat mashed gum into my hair because I wouldn’t give her my spot at the barrier. All of the bands found out and Go Radio gave me this.”

Teenage Customer: *suddenly calm* “Oh… can I have it, then?”

Me: “What part of ‘no’ did you not understand?”

Teenage Customer: “I guess I should look up the webstore then…”

(She walks off, leaving my manager and the next customer confused.)

Next Customer: “What in the h*** was THAT about?!”

(I am selling t-shirts at Dragon*Con, a very large media/SF convention in Atlanta. One of our most popular shirts is one with, “This is my Boomstick” emblazoned on the front, with an outline of Ash from the Evil Dead movies. As we are very busy, I’m in the habit of glancing at the shirt and asking the customer for the size to make checkout faster.)

Me: “…and what size is your boomstick, sir?”

Customer #1: “Large.”

Me: “I can’t believe I said that. Sorry.”

Customer #1: “Um, okay.”

Customer #2: *hands me money* “Just to let you know, MY boomstick is extra-large!”

(I’m working at a well-known family diner. I am one of the gayest men you might ever meet and am serving two elderly ladies.)

Me: “Hello, ladies! It is very nice to meet you. My name is [name]. You ladies look sharp today! What can I get you to drink?”

(I take their drink order, return just moments later, and take their food order. They are acting completely fine, until…)

Customer #1: “Here, honey, this is for you. You look like you need it.”

(She hands me a book on how homosexuality is inappropriate and an abomination. I have faced this before, so to avoid conflict I give them the following response.)

Me: “Oh, great! My girlfriend will love this!”

Customer #2: “Oh, nevermind, honey. You won’t need that, then! You never know where these homos are hiding now a days!”

(I start to tear a little bit. My manager happens to be gay as well and overhears this.)

Manager: “HEY! I do not ever want you to lie to a customer just to avoid a conflict! You are one of my best employees, and I will not have some bigoted customers putting you down. Ma’ams, I would greatly appreciate it if you left my establishment and do not return. If you cannot handle him as a gay man, then you do not deserve him as a straight man!”

(I work in a restaurant. I am serving a man and his teenage daughter.)

Me: “Would either of you like any dessert?”

Daughter: “I’ll have a slice of banana cream pie, please.”

Father: “Same for me, please.”

(I go into the kitchen to get the pie, but quickly return to their table.)

Me: “I hate to tell you this, but there’s only one slice of banana cream left.”

(The father and daughter glance at each other.)

Daughter: “…How do we decide which one of us gets it?”

Father: “Not sure.”

(There’s a pause.)

Daughter: “Happy Hunger Games!”

(I am on the phone answering a customer’s pre-sales questions about our media production software. She has seemed like an ordinary middle-aged woman so far.)

Me: “I just looked up the camera model you gave me, and our software should work with it just fine.”

Customer: “…Should?”

Me: “Yes. The file type that camera uses is supported by our software.”

Customer: “Whatever. Will it run on my computer?”

Me: “Are you running Windows XP?”

Customer: “No. Windows 7.”

Me: “Then there shouldn’t be a problem. With Windows 7, you should be fine.”

Customer: “There’s that ‘should’ again! You need to tell me for sure if this will work or not!”

Me: “Unfortunately, I don’t know enough detail about your system to say anything for sure. That said, everything I’ve heard so far seems fine. You shouldn’t have any trouble.”

Customer: “No! Don’t say ‘should!’ Why can’t you just tell me if it will work or not? It’s a simple question!”

Me: “Every computer is different. Even if two people bought identical models off a shelf, just choosing different programs to install would change how each computer runs. You and I can walk through the technical specifications page, compare all the details to your setup, and have a very very good idea if our software will work. But the only way to know for sure is to actually install it and see. That’s why we offer a free trial.”

Customer: “No! You’re lying! Why would computers be like that? That makes no sense! You should know for sure!”

Me: “I’m sorry for the confusion. Computers are very flexible tools, which is what makes them so hard to predict over the phone. Let’s download the free trial then, to see if—”

Customer: “That’s not it! I’ll tell you why! It’s revenge! The nerds got so fed up with everything they made computers impossible to use just to spite us! IT’S REVENGE!”