(My husband and I are discussing a poor behaviour our puppy is exhibiting.)

Husband: “I mean, if we don’t nip it in the butt—”

Me: “HA! Did you just say, ‘Nip it in the butt’?! It’s ‘bud.’ ‘Nip it in the bud.’”

Husband: “What?” *laughing* “No, let me finish.”

Me: *laughing* “Oh, my gosh. ‘Nip it in the butt.’”

Husband: “What does ‘nip it in the bud’ even mean?”

Me: “I think it has something to do with flowers.”

Husband: *not convinced* “I think it’s ‘nip it in the butt.’”

(My sister-in-law’s car dies. My brother texts me to let me know, but thanks to autocorrect, he sends me the following:)

Brother: “[Sister-In-Law]’s cat died yesterday. She traded it in for $100.”

Me: “I didn’t even know she had a cat. And why did someone give her cash for a dead cat?”

Brother: “Huh? What do you mean?”

(Pauses for a second and obviously looks at his other message.)

Brother: “Oh, no! Her car died, not her cat!”

My friend has talk-to-text and it is generally okay. Or at least, we’ve all become good at translating. One day we had a limping duck that had a swelling on her foot. Knowing it could be bumblefoot, which is possibly life-threatening even if treated aggressively and quickly, we took a picture of it and sent it to the vet with the following text…

Text: “Dr. [Vet], the following picture is our duck’s foot. We are concerned it might be bumble f***. Please advise treatment. We can get her to the office this afternoon, if needed.”

(My mother and I are preparing to make plum jam while my dad and sister sit nearby. My dad is hard of hearing and we all have a twisted sense of humour.)

Mum: “That should be enough jars for the bottling.”

Dad: “Did you say, ‘bottoming’?”

Me: “Wrong containment vessel. We’re using glass, not a**.”

Sister: “Yeah, Dad. Plums, not bums.”

(This is my first time at a clinic with more than one doctor, and we’re not sure which one will see me.)

Me: “This is going to be fun. Who’s going to be my doctor?”

Dad: “Doctor Hu?”

Me: “Yeah, who?”

Dad: “You can say you saw Doctor Who when you actually mean Doctor Hu!”

Mom: “I’m sure Doctor Hu is sick of this. He has to know by now.”

Dad: “He’s Chinese; he’s not going to know.”

Mom: “I’m sure he does.”

(I do end up being seen by Doctor Hu.)

Dad: *big grin, with a singsong voice* “Doctor Hu.”

Doctor Hu: *frowns* “No Doctor Who jokes, please.”

Mom: “Exactly.”

Me: “Sorry.”

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