(I am purchasing an extendable pole to change out light bulbs in my nearly twenty-foot-high vaulted ceiling.)
Cashier: “Wow, I haven’t seen one of these. What’s this for?”
Me: “It’s for changing light bulbs.”
Cashier: “I don’t see why you’d need one. At my house, my dad changes the bulbs. He’s really tall!”
(My grandmother has macular degeneration and is partially blind as a result. I often call to schedule her doctor’s appointments for her since she has a hard time dialing the phone.)
Nurse: “Okay, now what is your grandmother’s date of birth?”
Me: “May 25, 1918.”
Nurse: “Alright, now is there any possibility that she’s pregnant?”
Me: “No.”
Nurse: “Are you absolutely sure that your grandmother is not pregnant?”
Me: “Well, since she went through menopause in the early 1970s, lost her husband in the late 1980s and just celebrated her 94th birthday, I can say with confidence that she is not pregnant.”
Nurse: *indignantly* “You never said she was in her 90s!”
(I am one of two white people joining an all-Spanish department. No one realizes I am bilingual.)
Coworker: “Hi, how are you today?”
Me: “Fine, and you?”
Coworker: “Okay.”
(She turns to one of the others and jerks her head towards me.)
Coworker: *in Spanish* “She’s a fat pig.”
(I whip around and jerk my head towards her.)
Me: *in Spanish* “…and she’s an ignorant moron.” *in English* “You have a nice day.”
(The ignorant moron hasn’t stopped sucking up to me since!)
(I am shopping with my husband one day before class at my college’s bookstore, which also sells snacks and drinks. This exchange happens as we are checking out. Note: I have been recovering from an ulcer and have recently lost 20 pounds because of it.)
Me: “Sorry, nothing looks good.”
Husband: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Unfortunately, I just don’t want to eat anything.”
Cashier: “Oh, don’t worry, ma’am. We get pregnant women in here all the time.”
Me: “I’m not pregnant.”
Cashier: “Most pregnant women prefer to just buy water if you would like. I am sure that you can handle that.”
Me: “I am not pregnant. I have an ulcer.”
Cashier: “Oh, my sister called hers the ‘parasite’ for the first few months!”
Me: “I am NOT pregnant. In fact, I have lost quite a bit of weight because of this.”
Cashier: *winks and looks knowingly at my stomach* “I am sure you have, ma’am. You three have a great day!”
(As my husband and I walk out, I overhear her talking to a coworker.)
Cashier: “I don’t understand why some women are so sensitive about their pregnancy!”
(My family and I go to a fast food restaurant chain. It aptly has “Burger” in its name, as it sells mostly hamburgers and cheeseburgers.)
My Mother: “I will also need one burger.”
Cashier: “One what?”
My Mother: “One regular burger.”
Cashier: “I’m sorry, we don’t sell burgers here.”
My Mother: *confused* “You don’t sell burgers here?”
Cashier: “No, we only sell cheeseburgers and hamburgers. No burgers!”
My Mother: *speechless*
