(A VERY high customer approaches me.)

Customer: “I NEED A WATCH!”

Me: “Alright… did you have anything in mind?”

Customer: “Not too expensive, with a leather band, and it has to match theeeessseee.” *points to his brown leather bracelets*

Me: “Okay, what about something like this?” *holds up watch*

Customer: “NO THIS ONE!”

(He points to a VERY expensive watch with a black metal band that meets NONE of his above-mentioned requirements.)

Me: “Well, that watch is rather expensive…”

Customer: “NOT TOO EXPENSIVE!”

Me: “Okaaay… what about these?” *points to customizable watches*

Customer: “I like those two! I like them because they’re round.” *one of the watch faces is, in fact, square*

Me: “…”

(Customer now attempts to answer his ringing phone, accidentally drops it, and while attempting to pick it up, falls onto my male boss. He groggily apologizes, then staggers out of the store to take the call, leaving behind his purchase from another store.)

Boss: “Is that guy high?”

Me: “As a kite.”

Boss: “Oh, okay. Because he just groped me.”

Me: *dies laughing*

(Customer now returns, accompanied by a friend. Customer continues to be stupid, while friend tries to shoplift. After all this has gone on, customer and friend go to talk to Boss.)

Them: “So are you guys hiring?”

Boss: “Am I hiring druggies or shoplifters? NO.”

Customer: “What the f****; you shortchanged me!”

Me: “Ma’am, I gave you the exact amount of change that is on the receipt.”

Customer: “BULLS***! YOU SHORTCHANGED ME YOU STUPID LITTLE F***! I DEMAND THAT YOU GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I will go get a manager for you right away.”

Customer: “F*** YOU, YOU LITTLE PIECE OH S***! I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS. YOU WILL PAY!”

(At this point the customer began to storm down the aisles. She lit a cigarette and began setting merchandise on fire. Afterward, she ran from the store because she realized that she had in fact had gotten the right amount of change!)

This story is part of the Customers-Overreacting roundup!

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Read the Customers-Overreacting roundup!

(Back story: the customer was getting a blue screen of death on their computer.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I was wondering if you could tell me who General Failure is and why he is trying to read the C drive on my computer?”

Me: “Ummm… excuse me?”

Customer: “I said that some guy named General Failure is reading my C drive.”

Me: “How did you come to this conclusion?”

Customer: “When I booted up my computer I get a big blue screen that says “General failure reading drive C,” and I demand to know who this person is!”

Me: *stifling laughter* “Okay, if you don’t mind I am going to place you on hold for about ten minutes while I do an investigation as to who this person is…”

(I placed the customer on hold and told my co-workers. We laughed our a**es off for ten minutes.)

Me: “Thank you for holding. I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I was able to find some information for you. The bad news is that I wasn’t able to confirm who this ‘General Failure’ is; I am sure he doesn’t work for us. The other thing is that your hard drive is fried, and I would advise you to try to pull any data you can off the drive and invest in a new one. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

Customer: “Um… no, thank you.”

(Customer hangs up and we laugh our a**es off some more.)

(I fix registers and self-checkout equipment at said store. I wear a badge, it states which company I work for and has a picture of me on it. It looks nothing like the name badges the store uses but everyone asks me if I work there or if I can help them. I always answer politely that I don’t and point them in the direction of someone who does. But this time…)

Me: *walking to back of store to fiddle with a printer that was acting up*

Lady: “Can you help us with picking a TV?”

Me: *Looks around* “Me?”

Lady’s Boyfriend: “Yes you, we need some help here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t work here.”

Lady: “Look, I just want to know about some of the features.”

Me: *dumbfounded* “Like I said, I don’t work here.”

Lady’s Boyfriend: “Un-f******-believable… I guess this is what minimum wage pays for these days.”

Me: *snorts and starts to walk away*

Lady: “Well who the f*** is supposed to help us now?”

Me: “Maybe you should try asking someone with [Store Name] written on their name tag, I’m sure they’d be glad to help you out seeing as they WORK here.”

Lady’s Boyfriend: “This is shoddy customer service! We want to speak to your manager right now!”

Me: *shakes head and walks off*

Lady & Boyfriend: *insert string of obscenities here*

(I saw them 10 minutes later as I was leaving the store, they were complaining to a department manager. I’m sure they were trying to describe me because he had a very confused look on his face. Poor guy.)

This story is part of the Totally Unobservant Customers roundup!

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Read the Totally Unobservant Customers roundup!

(I work tech support for a university, and our help desk supports faculty/staff only. On this day, a student walks in.)

Student: “I’m here to turn in my paper.”

Me: “I’m sorry, this is the Faculty Help Desk, we don’t deal with student assignments.”

Student: “But I don’t know where to turn it in. Can’t you just turn it in for me?”

Me: “No, if you don’t know where to turn it in, I would certainly not have a clue.”

Student: “But can’t you just take it?”

Me: “No. If you’re really that confused, contact your professor or go to the department office. I’m sure they can help you.”

Student: “But can’t you just take it?”

Me: *blinks in disbelief* “Um…”

Student: “Please, take it!”

Me: “Okay.”

(I proceed to take it and place it in the recycle bin in front of her.)

Student: “Thank you so much!”