Finding Emo

, , , , | Right | September 6, 2010

(At my theater our uniforms are all black. I am tearing tickets when two teenage girls walk up. They are looking around very confused.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: *looking lost* “Do you work here?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: Oh! We thought you were just goth.”

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Suffering From A-Salt

, , , , , , | Right | September 4, 2010

(I’m the director of our small-town library. One of my summer volunteers is a sixteen-year-old girl who is diabetic. She works the lunch shift, and I allow her to eat her lunch at the checkout counter.)

Patron: *to the volunteer* “Hey, can you tell me if you have this book?” *hands over a sheet of paper*

Volunteer: *putting fork down* “Yes. It’s over here. I’ll go get it for you.”

(She walks away. I notice the lady at the desk sniffing the air. She looks around, clearly sees me staring at her, and proceeds to take a large bite of my volunteer’s food. She obviously doesn’t like it, and takes a large container of something out of her purse and dumps it all over the food. She takes another bite, and looks satisfied.)

Volunteer: *coming back* “Here’s your… wait. Why are you eating my lunch?”

Patron: “It was a free sample. And I must say, whoever made it is a terrible cook. It’s very tasteless. I have to put my entire container of salt on this to make it edible!”

Volunteer: “That was my lunch. I’m a diabetic, so of course it wouldn’t taste very good!”

Me: “Ma’am, you just ate her lunch. Why?”

(As I am talking the volunteer scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to me. It says, ‘Ignore what I’m about to do.’ She then falls to the ground, shaking and convulsing.)

Patron: “Oh, s***!” *runs out of the library*

Volunteer: “I learned how to do that to get my brothers in trouble.”


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3D Vision Vs Pre-Vision

, , , , | Right | September 4, 2010

Customer: “Two.”

Me: “For which movie?”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “Which movie would you like to see?”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “Can you hear me?”

Customer: “Yes, I said two!”

Me: “I heard that, but you have to tell me which movie you want to see before I can sell you a ticket.”

Customer: “Oh, I have to pick one?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Well, how should I know what I want to see? I haven’t seen any of them yet!”

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With Customers Like These, Who Needs Anemones

, , , , | Right | September 3, 2010

Guest: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Me: “Hi there! Do you have a question?”

Guest: “Yes. What is this?” *points to a specimen*

Me: “That is called a sea anemone.”

Guest: “Oh…” *walks away, only to walk back a few moments later* “What are they the enemies of?”


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Assault And Battery

, , , , | Right | September 3, 2010

Customer: “Hi, I think I have a problem with my computer. I tried fixing it myself, but now it’s just not booting at all. I’d like to have it backed up, too, while you’re at it, because I run a business and I can’t afford to lose anything.”

(The next day, I call the customer.)

Me: “Hello, sir, was this the only copy you had for your business data?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, do you have any disgruntled employees that may have had access to your computer recently?”

Customer: “No, why?”

Me: “Well, sir, the hard drive has been hacked at with what looks like a flat-head screwdriver, severing a connection on the bottom.  It appears very deliberate, and we won’t be able to retrieve your data.”

Customer: “Do you mean the battery?”

Me: “No, sir, the hard drive.”

Customer: “Oh. I thought that little round thing on the bottom of the hard drive was a battery. I was just trying to replace it. Well, I’ll just come in and pick that up.”

Customer: “Very good, sir.”

(Four minutes later, he calls back.)

Customer: “Just a quick thing: if my wife comes in and asks about it, could you leave that part out?”

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