Flattery Is Fully Charged

, , , , , | Right | November 23, 2010

Me: “Hello! I’m [My Name] and I’ll be your server today. Are you ready to order?”

Customer: “No! You can’t serve me! You’re prettier than I am! You’re damaging my self-esteem!”

Me: *pause* “Well, you can request another server, if you like?”

Customer: “Yes! Get me another server. Someone less pretty!”

(Another waitress comes out. She’s perfectly good-looking, but visibly older than the customer whereas I’m younger, so we figured that would be okay.)

Waitress: “May I take your order, ma’am?”

Customer: “No, no, no! I asked for someone who isn’t pretty! Doesn’t this place employ ugly people?!”

(In the end, after deciding that even the male servers were far too good-looking, she left us feeling flattered, but very confused.)

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Express (Death) Row

, , , , | Right | November 23, 2010

([Customer #1] is slowly packing up her receipt, change, etc., while [Customer #2], an elderly gentleman, is waiting patiently behind her.)

Customer #1: *noticing [Customer #2]* “Oh, I’m sorry I’m taking up so much of your time.”

Customer #2: “Oh, that’s okay. I’m just waiting to die.”

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A Little Cuckoo

, , , , | Right | November 22, 2010

(It is the Christmas season and we sell clothing for dogs and cats. An old lady comes in and finds me standing near the birdcages.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Do you have Santa hats?”

Me: “Why, yes, they’re right here.”

Customer: *looks them over* “No, these are much too big.”

Me: “What size of pet are you looking to buy a hat for?”

Customer: “Small.”

Me: “A Chihuahua?”

Customer: “Smaller!”

Me: “A teacup Yorkie?”

Customer: “My Cockatoo!”

Me: “Your… Cockatoo?”

Customer: “Yes! I need to buy ten Santa hats. One for each of my beloveds. Do you have any that small?”

Me: “I don’t believe so.”

Customer: “What do you mean?! This is a pet store! Why don’t you have any Santa hats for my babies?!”

Me: *walking toward front door* “Well, ma’am, if you walk about ten feet to your left, you’ll find [Craft Store] and I’m sure they’ll have all your Santa hat needs.”

Customer: “Thank you! This is what good customer service is all about!”

(She leaves. About an hour later, we receive an angry call.)

Customer: *enraged* “Why didn’t she tell me it was a craft store and I had to make my own? Who the h*** wants to make their own Santa hats?!”

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The Ministry Of Silly Walks

, , , , | Right | November 22, 2010

Customer: “Excuse me, do you know where the underwear is stocked?”

(I am a fellow customer. I have no name badge, no uniform, and I have my purse hanging from my shoulder.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t work here.”

Customer: “Oh, I thought you did. You walk like an employee.”

Me: “I walk… like an employee?”

Customer: “Yes, you should walk differently so people don’t confuse you.”

Me: “Like this?”

(I walk briskly for a few steps.)

Customer: “No, no, that’s why I stopped you.”

Me: “How about this?”

(I walk a little slower, stopping to look at merchandise and to examine them.)

Customer: “No, you look like you’re shelving.”

Me: “What about like this?”

(I shuffle along slowly, staring vacantly at my shoes.)

Customer: “No, you look like my son when he works. Oh, dear, I guess you just can’t walk like a regular customer. You should take classes.”

(She walks away and I look five feet to my left, where an actual employee is staring, open-mouthed at the scene.)

Employee: “I wonder who would teach those classes?”

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Not Much Food For Thought

, , , , | Right | November 22, 2010

(I’m a hostess seating a very attractive couple and their adorable nine-month-old baby.)

Me: “Do we have anything to celebrate tonight?”

Wife: “No… Well…”

Me: “Yes?”

Wife: *as if divulging a great secret* “Well, I’ve been on a cleanse since I had my baby, and I’m only allowed to eat on certain days. Today… I get to eat DINNER!”

Me: “Uhm…”

Wife: *nervous giggle*

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