This story was relayed to me by my coworker and submitted with her permission. She is teaching swim lessons to beginner swimmers, specifically young kids. One little girl in her class has been struggling with rolling onto her back to breathe and then rolling back in to keep swimming. Today, she finally did it by herself! Her teacher and the other teachers and deck staff burst into cheers. The girl, however, burst into tears.

Teacher: “What’s wrong, [Child]?”

Child: “My mom died!”

Teacher: “Oh, I’m sorry. Did this just happen recently?”

Child: “Nooooooooo.”

Teacher: “Well, I’m sure your mom is watching and is super proud of you.”

The girl’s mom passed a couple of years back, but kids sure do pick the most random times to bring up death.

I have had students hop into the pool and cheerfully tell me that their pets died. Kids. They keep things interesting.

CONTENT WARNING: Dark Humor

I was with a friend at his first support meeting for people with and families of people with cancer. As he introduced himself, he said:

Friend: “Rectal cancer is a real pain in the a**.”

Person #1: “Well, colon cancer makes you feel like s***.”

Person #2: “I still haven’t licked my tongue cancer.”

Person #3: “Well, my thyroid tumor is a pain in the neck.”

Nice to see the positive energy.

I worked at a boutique pet store that was doing well and rapidly spreading more locations throughout the area. Once lockdown restrictions relaxed and patrons started visiting in droves, we were consistently slammed.

One day a lady walked in and marched through the store up to the counter. The store smells of dog food and chews and she passed several displays of said chews, water bowls, and cat clean-up supplies.

Customer: “I’d like a large hot latte with—”

Me: “Ma’am, this is a pet store.”

Customer: “No, it’s not.”

Me: “…Pardon?”

Customer: “There’s a [Famous Coffee Chain] sign on the building.”

Me: “No there isn’t, the closest one of those is a mile down the road.”

She glared at us and stormed out in a huff. We waited until the crowd died down a bit and ran outside to make sure we weren’t the crazy ones. Nope, no coffee signs anywhere. The colors for ours weren’t even anywhere near the same.

I work at a fast-food restaurant chain. I had previously worked there before so I have a very good relationship with my boss, and she very nearly always has my back. This exchange occurred in the drive-thru.

For context, I have extremely thick glasses with a very high prescription. Unfortunately, this is relevant.

A customer pulls up to the speaker:

Me: “Hello, thanks for choosing [Fast-Food Chain]. What can we get for you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like two fish sandwiches on your mix-and-match deal.”

Me: “Great, what else can I get for you today?”

Customer: “I would also like a regular roast beef sandwich.”

Me: “Okay, would you like that in the classic, double or half-pound size?”

Customer: *Long silence.* “…what?”

I know the speaker isn’t always clear and I can talk quickly sometimes, so I slow down and enunciate my words louder:

Me: “Sorry, I just need to know if you want that roast beef sandwich in the classic, double or half-pound size?”

Customer: *Long silence.* “Okay, and then I’d like another fish sandwich.”

Me: *Starting to get mildly annoyed, but maintaining composure.* “Okie dokie, got that third fish sandwich in, and did you want that roast beef sandwich in the classic, double, or half pound size?”

Customer: *Long silence.* “Alright, and then I just want a large fry.”

I give up entirely at this point and give the customer a classic sandwich.

Me: “No problem, anything else for you today?”

Customer: “That’s everything.”

Me: “Great, your total comes to $19.16 at the window, please.”

Customer: *Long silence.* “What’s my total?”

I am staring at the stainless-steel counter, questioning every life decision up to this point.

Me: *As loudly and clearly as possible without yelling.* “NINETEEN DOLLARS AND SIXTEEN CENTS, PLEASE.”

The customer starts pulling up to my window finally. The shift lead has heard everything:

Shift Lead: *Over the headset.* “I’m so sorry.”

The customer finally gets to my window, barely… he’s three feet away and not fully pulled up. I’m short, so I have to lean halfway out the window when customers do this.

Customer: “Hi there, young lady!”

I cringe slightly, as I’m nearly thirty-one, but I take it in my stride and cheerfully respond.

Me: “Hello! That’s $19.16 for your food, today!”

The customer hands me a $20 and I give him his change, the whole time feeling like I’m climbing out the window.

Shift Lead: *Over the headset.* “Can you pull him forward? We’re waiting on fish.”

Me: *To my shift lead.* “No problem.” *To the customer.* “Sorry for the wait, but we’re cooking that fish up fresh for you right now, so if you can pull forward, it’ll just be a few minutes and we’ll bring it to your car.”

The customer stares at me for a long silence. I’m standing there, a little frozen with the customer service smile plastered on my face, leaning slightly on my window, not wanting to just close it in his face. The customer crosses arms and stares at me for another second.

Customer: “…are you wearing two pairs of glasses?”

The now completely frozen smile on my face is slowly beginning to show my disbelief.

Me: “…”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…no?”

Customer: “It’s okay if you are, I wear two hearing aids!”

He drives forward with all the confidence in the world. I close my window and walk to the back in confusion and silence. I relay what just happened to my boss. She stares at me and then just starts laughing, me alongside her, finally.

Boss: “You should have told him that his hearing aids didn’t seem to be working very well for him!” 

Customers, please don’t comment on your drive-thru cashier’s appearance to their faces! We will be immediately annoyed and confused, followed by a week’s worth of telling the story to everyone else we work with. Just…please, we’re begging you. Just give us your money so we can give you your food and we can all go about our days. Thank you.

I work in a large retail chain, I’m working in the home storage section when a customer requests my help.

Customer: “Excuse me, I need more of these storage bins, but you only have one top for them. Do you have any more tops?”

I look around to make sure the lids aren’t placed in the wrong spot, and I don’t see any.

Me: “Hmm, I don’t see any for that bin here on the floor, and our system says we don’t have any of the bins out back, but if you’d like, I can double-check for you to make sure we don’t have extra lids that just haven’t been brought to the floor yet.”

Customer: “Yeah, do that. I need tops.”

I go check out back and have a manager help look, but neither of us find anything.

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, there’s nothing out back, but—”

Customer: “No tops? I need tops.”

Me: “No, ma’am, no tops. However, we’re getting a delivery of this very bin tomorrow, so we can set some aside for you—”

Customer: “Will they have tops? They need to have tops.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, they will be delivered with tops. Would you like us to hold some aside for you, and give you a call when they’re ready?”

Customer: “Yes. Make sure they have tops.”

My eyes are starting to glaze over at the repetition, but I remain professional as I take her information.

Me: “Alright, that’s two [Brand] bins with tops for [Customer’s Name] ready by tomorrow!”

Customer: *Pats the lid of the bin she has and gives me a condescending smile.* “With tops.”

My patience finally starts to crack, so I smile wide and put on a syrupy sweet voice to try to disguise the snark.

Me: “Yes, ma’am, tippy top tops. You need tops, we will have tops! Other than the bins with tops, is there anything else to top off your needs so you have a tip-top day?”

Customer: “Uh… no, that’ll be all.”

Me: “Then, top of the morning to you!”

Good thing that was the end of that conversation, or else I might have blown my top!