(We have a “buy two, get one free” sale right after Christmas. The sign clearly says “lowest item free.”)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to buy these…” *shows me two $2.99 games for the Gamecube* “…and get this one free.” *shows me a used copy of Halo 3 for $54.99*

Me: “I’d like a million dollars.”

Customer: “I’m serious!”

Me: “So am I, sir. I’m sorry, that’s not how the ‘buy two, get one free’ works. You’d get one of the $2.99 games free.”

Customer: “THAT’S NOT WHAT THE SIGN SAYS! IT SAYS ‘BUY TWO, GET ONE FREE’!”

(I take the sign off wall and read it to customer.)

Me: “‘Buy two games, get one free’ on all used games. Please note that the lowest priced item will be free.”

Customer: “That’s not what the sign says! I’m going to sue you for false advertising!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t believe you can sue me because you can’t read.”

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(Over the phone…)

Lady: “Is there a way to see your menu before coming in?”

Me: “Yes, you can google the name of the restaurant and the first link should take you to a menu.”

Lady: “What’s… ‘google’ mean?”

Me: “It’s a search engine on the internet. It’s at google.com.”

Lady: “Just a sec…” *faintly* “Google… dot… com…”

Pause.

Lady: “It’s not working.”

Me: “Did you spell our name correctly?”

Lady: “I can’t even get to this ‘google’ page! Wait… how do you spell ‘dot’?”

Related:
She Uses The Google

(The phone rings at around six-ish.)

Me: “Hello, this is D-…”

(I hear loud crying in the background.)

Man: “Hello, Disney World? I’m just calling to say that if my children don’t finish their vegetables in the next five minutes, we won’t be visiting you this year.”

Me: “I… er… What?”

Man: *whispering* “Thank you.” *click*

(Our offices are on the eighth floor of a building. The upper floors are occupied by an art school.)

Student #1: “Oh, wow. The elevators on this side of the building are really small.”

Student #2: “No, they’re not. It’s just their size that makes them look small.”

Me: …

(On the phone…)

Customer: “Hi, I want to book a room with two beds for tomorrow.”

Me: “Sure thing, sir, lucky for you we’re not busy this weekend and have several rooms available. ”

Customer: “Great, and how many pillows do the beds have?”

Me: “Umm, I think there’s two on each bed.”

Customer: “Can you check?”

Me: “Okay… I’ll just be a moment.”

(I go and check the nearest room’s bed and the next room along to be safe.)

Me: “Yes, two per bed.”

Customer: “So my room will have two pillows on each bed?”

Me: “That’s correct, sir.”

Customer: “I only like one pillow on my bed, can you give me a different room with a bed that only has one pillow on one of the beds?”

Me: “Umm… you could always just take the other pillow off your bed when you go to sleep.”

Customer: “What? No, I want one of the rooms with one less pillow on one bed.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have rooms with specific numbers of pillows–”

Customer: “–but you have rooms with specific number of beds!”

Me: “Yes… that’s pretty much the norm, sir.”

Customer: “Don’t get smart honey, I want a room with two beds, two pillows on one of them but only one on the other. That’s what I want.”

Me: *sigh* “Okay, sir, I’ll personally remove one of the bed’s pillows before you arrive tomorrow, how’s that?”

Customer: “Good, that works for me. Hang on, are the pillows thick fluffy ones or skinny flat ones? Because if they’re skinny, I’ll just keep both of them.”

Me: “…”

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