It’s The Holidays, In Your Neighborhood…

, , , , | Working | December 25, 2017

(For the holidays this year, my workplace has set up a schedule where a different third of the shop will each be off work the week before Christmas, the week between Christmas and New Year’s, and the week after New Year’s.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], which week are you off?”

Coworker: “First one, why?”

Me: “Just wondering.”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: *joking* “Just wondering if I had to look at your face next week.”

Coworker: “See, the first time I misheard what you said as “Ghostbusters”, so I think I’m going to go with that instead.”

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You Need Torque For That, Too

| Working | July 27, 2017

(I am bored at work and fiddling with a torque driver sitting on a table.)

Coworker: *jokingly* “[My Name], that is not a f****** toy.”

Me: “Well, I sure HOPE nobody’s using it for f******.”

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Weight Is Lost But Not Forgotten

| Working | July 18, 2017

(I work in a business where I am one of two females. The other female is related to the boss, so she comes in late, never in uniform, sits and does nothing for most of the day, etc. She has been going to a gym for the last few months and is bragging about how she’s lost eight kilograms (about 18lbs). A woman is recommended to us by her daughter who has only told her to, “ask the lady.” The woman is embarrassed and rings her daughter to ask which female. She gets told the one who wears glasses (me). We laugh about it and my fellow female workmate announces:)

Coworker: “You could have said the way older or fatter one and we’d have known who you meant straight away.”

(She walks away in her gym clothes (definitely not the uniform), laughing hysterically. A few months later my doctor gives me the go ahead to slowly start exercising again to help with a chronic medical condition. It works wonders for me and five months later I have lost 40 kgs (around 89lbs). A woman comes in who hasn’t seen me for awhile and literally doesn’t recognise me but showers me with praise once it’s revealed who I am. My coworker is strangely silent as she has been anytime people have commented on my achievement.)

Customer: “I think it’s funny that you lost 40kgs in five months, and then—” *turns to coworker* “—congratulations to you too, dear. What was it again? 8kgs in six months, wasn’t it?”

(Yep, was the same woman who came in for the first time all those months ago. She never forgot how rude some young woman was to a fellow worker and decided to rub it in a little.)

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‘Snsv’ Is Also The Sound My Brain Makes When This Happens

, | Right | April 1, 2017

(We work in a shop in a top educational establishment. I sometimes wonder how these people got into University.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to buy a charger for my laptop please.”

Me: “Certainly, what make is it?”

Customer: “It’s a snsv—” *pronounced snus uv* “—laptop.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Snsv.”

Me: “I’ve never heard of that brand before.”

Customer: “It’s definitely snsv. I have it here.”

(The customer brings out her laptop and places on the desk.)

Customer: “See, SNSV.”

(I instantly realise what’s gone on and turn the laptop the right way up.)

Me: “It’s an ASUS.”

Customer: “Oh.”

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That Explanation Will Go Viral

| Working | March 14, 2017

Working at a computer company, a customer brings in a computer to have a virus removed. We remove the virus and scan the rest of the system to make sure all traces of it are gone. Now, this particular virus is known to come from porn sites so to warn the customer without making them feel embarrassed we say to be careful what websites are accessed with the computer.

Then a few days later the same customer brings the computer back in with the same virus, accusing us of not removing it, and demands that we remove it without them paying. I remove the virus again, scan the system again, print out the Internet cache of websites that the computer has accessed in the past 24 hours (including some kinky-but-not-illegal searches on a couple of porn sites), and then give the system with the evidence to the front desk staff to give to the customer when they come back. Later in the day, I hear raised voices out the front and I know it is that customer when I hear, “I don’t go to porn sites and the only other person who uses this computer is my partner.”

The customer would have learnt something new about their partner that day if it weren’t for the salespeople saving things by telling the customer that sometimes viruses can access the porn sites.

Yeah, that’s how it works: the porn sites come from the virus, not the other way around.

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