My coworkers and I are all paid hourly and document our hours on a piece of paper. It’s old-school, and I don’t know why we haven’t upgraded, but whatever. My coworker (a man in his forties) likes to fill in his entire log — clock in, lunch break, clock out — when he gets in for the day. The problem is that at least once a week he will leave early without correcting his time.

After a few weeks of this, [Manager] pulls him into the office, where I am filling out some paperwork.

Manager: “So, you left two hours early on Tuesday. Is that correct?”

Coworker: “Yeah, my sister was sick. I had to take her to the hospital.”

Manager: “Is she okay now?”

Coworker: “Yeah, she’s fine.”

Manager: “Okay, good. I’m glad it’s nothing serious. Now, since you left early, I need you to adjust your time here—”

Coworker: “Why?”

Manager: “Because you didn’t work those last two hours.”

Coworker: “Because I was taking my sister to the hospital. I just told you.”

Manager: “I get it, but you didn’t work that time, so I can’t pay you for it. Do you understand?”

Coworker: “No, I don’t, and I’m getting a little irritated here. I don’t know why you’re trying to cut my pay.”

Manager: “You are paid for the time you work, not the time you’re scheduled.”

Coworker: “Okay?”

Manager: “And you didn’t work those last two hours.”

Coworker: “Because I was taking my sister to the hospital!”

Manager: “Okay, I’m not sure where the disconnect is here, but I’m just going to… You didn’t work this time, so you need to correct—”

Coworker: “That’s bulls***! This is ridiculous! I can’t believe you’re trying to steal from me like this!”

Manager: “I’m not stealing from you, [Coworker]. If anyone else left early, they wouldn’t get paid for that time, either.”

Coworker: “So, I don’t get paid because I wasn’t here?”

Manager: “…Yes.”

Coworker: “I’m not changing it. I don’t care.”

Manager: “Are you sure?”

Coworker: “I said what I said.”

Manager: “[My Name], can you please leave the room?”

I left and continued working on my papers outside. [Coworker] could be heard screaming before he came out, punched the staff lockers hard enough to dent them, and stormed off.

He was fired and banned from the property.

My cousin just got married. I am sitting at the reception with my parents and partner, waiting for my cousin and her new husband to make their grand entrance. We are talking about what a good couple they are and how nice it’s been watching them together over the last few years.

Mom: “I was talking to a coworker recently about marriage, and she asked me if I would still be with my husband if I met him now. I thought about it for a second and then said yes. I shouldn’t have even had to think about it. You’re my best friend, and I would absolutely still be with you.” *To my dad* “Would you still be with me?”

Dad: “Absolutely, babe.”

My partner and I have been together since we were teenagers, and we are now twenty-eight. A little bit later in the reception, I ask him the same question.

Me: “Would you still be with me if we met now?”

Partner: “Ha, I think you’re out of my league.”

Later, I share that part of the exchange with my dad.

Dad: “I should’ve thought of that!”

A couple has just ordered some soup for takeout. We’re very busy (this is not long post-lockdown and we’re struggling to hire) so they’ve been complaining about the wait the entire time they’re in line. After they’ve ordered:

Me: “Thank you. Please step to the side so I can serve the next customer.”

Customer: “But we haven’t gotten our soup yet.”

Me: “We’ll call you when the soup is ready, but in the meantime, I need to take the next customer, please.”

Customer: “Are you telling me what to do?!”

Me: “No, I am politely asking.” 

Customer: “Well, what if I don’t want to do what you ‘politely ask’ me to do?!”

I can’t believe I’m going to be able to say this without getting into trouble:

Me: “Then no soup for you!”

They stepped aside.

Related:
No Soup For You! Part 7
No Soup For You! Part 6
No Soup For You! Part 5
No Soup For You!, Part 4
No Soup For You!, Part 3

One morning, the whole house was cold. I did not think much of it since it was December, but then my mom informed me that she had no hot water in the shower. I checked the tap, and sure enough, there was no hot water and no banging of the pipes as they expanded.

By the time I was certain, my dad had also awoken. He and I went to the basement to check the furnace. I had the cover off of the unit by the time my dad had caught up… with a bucket in hand. I took a peek and confirmed what my ears had already told me: the pilot was out. Having never done this myself — I was twelve at the time — I stepped back and reviewed the instructions on the unit.

While I was doing this, I heard a squeak and a splash. I turned and saw that my dad was bleeding the pipes.

Me: “Dad, that’s not going to help.”

Dad: “We just need to do this for a while.”

Me: “No, the pilot is out.”

Dad: “Yep.”

He moved the bucket and bled a different pipe.

Me: “…”

After he closed that pipe, I grabbed him by the head and directed him to the furnace.

Me: “There is. No. Fire!“

Dad: “Yeah. Got it.”

He then moved the bucket again and started on a new pipe.

Me: “We need a match!“

Dad: “No, no. This will take care of it.”

I gave up at that point and went back to reading. After I was certain I had the procedure down, I went back upstairs and got a utility lighter. I returned, lighter in hand, about to begin the process, when my dad pulled it out of my hands.

Dad: “You do it like this!“

And he bled another pipe.

I was officially done. I sat on the spot and waited for this miracle he was promising from the front row. I sat there for twenty-three minutes (yes, I counted) before he concluded that he needed a plumber.

When the plumber got there, he glanced at the furnace very briefly.

Plumber: “Your pilot’s out. Got a lighter?”

Dad: “What? No, it’s in the pipes.”

Plumber: “Oh? Well, I’ll check that, but we need to light this, too.”

My dad still had our lighter tucked away and refused to admit it was necessary, so the plumber went back to his truck to get his lighter. Of course, there was nothing wrong with the pipes.

And my dad learned nothing because he tried this again years later. At least the second time, I waited until he left and was able to light it faster than he could get to the phone and dial.

I’m sitting next to a lady on a plane, and she instigates some small talk before takeoff.

Passenger: “Did you go to college?”

Me: “Yes, I studied earth science.”

Passenger: “Is there any real proof that plate tectonics exist?”

Me: “There is.”

Passenger: “What does your Lutheran church think about that?”

I’m not religious, and there had been literally zero talk of religion at all in the conversation before that! At least that put a natural stop to the conversation!