Customer: “I’m having issues with my Outlook.”

Me: “Show me the problem you’re having so I can see if I can fix it for you.”

(She has six passwords each over twenty characters long: Bios password, Windows password, Zone Alarm Password, Outlook Password, etc.)

Me: “You don’t need to have your passwords that long for security’s sake.”

Customer: “I read on the Internet that sniffers give up if the password is too long.”

Me: “I’m happy you did your research, but you don’t have to have it longer than fifteen characters long.”

Customer: “Well I’m afraid if someone steals my laptop, the programs that can recover passwords can’t detect past twenty letters.”

Me: “That’s true, but no one really does that anymore. In this business we have customers coming in all the time to have us remove the password for them because they forgot it. For instance, I can get into your laptop in less than two to three minutes without your help.”

Customer: “No way. I’ve made precautions.”

Me: “I will be more than happy to show you that I can. But I would have to charge you a half-hour fee and you would have to sign the work order giving me permission to.”

Customer: “And if you can’t? ”

Me: “Then I will be more than happy to refund you the money and you would have won this war.”

(Customer then pays the fee and signs the work order.)

Me: “Give me a moment.”

(A minute later.)

Me: “Here you go; I’m logged in to your Outlook.”

Customer: “Oh, my God! How did you do that?”

Me: “If you’re really worried about someone stealing your laptop, you shouldn’t have laminated your passwords to the laptop.”

Me: “Hello, [Tech Support]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I just got your wireless Internet thingy, but I’m not sure I like it.”

Me: “What’s wrong with it?”

Caller: “Oh, nothing’s wrong with it. It’s much faster than my old Internet; but do I always have to open my windows? I hate opening up the windows.”

Me: “What computer do you have?”

Caller: “I have a Mac.”

Me: “Then how do you–”

Caller: “Oh! No. Not that computer windows thing! I don’t have that! I mean my actual windows around my house!”

Me: “You’re… opening up you’re windows around your house?”

Caller: “Yes! And it’s really chilly today!”

Me: “Um, I hate to interrupt, but why is this relevant to your Internet problem?”

Caller: “Well, it’s wireless! It comes through the air, right? How else am I going to get it if the windows are closed?”

(I work for a company that provides both phone support and on-site support for residential customers.)

Caller: “Hello, I seem to be having an issue with my Internet. It’s not working.”

Me: “Well, I’m sure we can fix that. First thing’s first: can we reboot the computer?”

Caller: “I don’t know how to do that.”

Me: “Well, by reboot, I mean restart. I believe you have a [Brand] computer. That should be running [Operating System], correct?”

Caller: “It’s a something [Brand]?”

Me: “Just click on the start button in the lower left-hand corner of the screen. Then select ‘Turn off computer.’”

Caller: “I can’t find the start button.”

Me: “Well, it might just be hidden. How about we just turn the power off on the laptop.”

Caller: “I don’t know how to do that.”

Me: “Just press the power button on the computer. Hold it down, and the computer will turn off.”

Caller: “I don’t know what the power button is.”

Me: “How do you normally turn the computer on or off?”

Caller: “I never have.”

(I check the records to reveal she’s had the computer for six months.)

Me: “Well, can you possibly find the power button on the computer? It could be on the side. It should be glowing green. It has the power symbol on it.”

Caller: “What’s that?”

Me: “It looks like this problem will require a tech to be sent out.”

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Me: “Thank you for contacting technical support. How can I help you?”

Customer: *whispering* “Can you shut my Internet off for four hours?”

Me: “I could disable the port, but may I ask why?”

Customer: *whispering* “My son has been locked in his room since last night and he won’t come out or talk to me. He hasn’t eaten breakfast yet and it’s three pm.”

Me: “I suppose I could; however, you will need to call us to re-enable your connection.”

Customer: “Thank you! I don’t know what he’s doing in there on the computer. It’s been like this since we got your Internet.”

Me: “Your connection has been disabled. Is there anything else I can do for you tonight?”

Customer: “No, thank you. I hope he comes out soon!”

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Caller: “I have a question about my account.”

Me: “I’d be happy to help! What email address do you use to log in?”

Caller: “It’s rogue at [email host] dot com.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I can’t seem to find that email in the system. To confirm, let me spell out the full address: r-o-g-u-e at [email host] dot com?”

Caller: “No, it’s r-o-u-g-e!”

Me: “Oh, ‘rouge’ like the makeup. The word ‘rogue’ is spelled r-o-g-u-e.”

Caller: “That’s not how ‘rogue’ is spelled! I can’t believe how stupid your customer service is!”

Me: “If you want to be sure, you can check a dictionary for the correct spelling.”

Caller: “Fine, I will! I’m going to search [Dictionary Website] right now!”

(A minute passes as he searches.)

Caller: “F***! I’ve been using this email for years! I can’t believe my guild members never pointed this out to me!” *hangs up*

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