(A customer calls in because her computer has been hijacked by malware. After some troubleshooting, it is clear that there are no repair options available due to system corruption. We decide on a reinstallation of the operating system.)

Me: “Before we press the restart button I will explain what will happen. During the reboot, a line of white text on a black background will appear stating ‘Press any key’ – the moment you see this line you press space. The most common mistake made by customers is that they feel insecure and ask before pressing which takes too long and we have to restart the computer again. The moment you see ‘Press any key’ I want you to press space. Any questions?”

Customer: “No, I understand.”

Me: “Okay, go ahead and press restart then.”

Customer: “Okay.”

(The customer goes silent for a while.)

Customer: “So, press any key. Does that mean I can press any key on the keyboard?”

Me: “Yes, but press the space bar just to be sure since some keys might not register.”

Customer: “Oh. So that’s the any key! Is that the long button?”

Me: *pause* “That is correct.”

Customer: “Okay. Now it says Windows XP and the bars are moving.”

Me: “So you didn’t press the space bar?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did you see the text?”

Customer: “I don’t know. You were talking to me and I panicked!”

Me: “Hi my name is [name] from [company] internet tech support how can I help you today?”

Customer: “My internet is down.”

Me: “Alright what happens when you try to browse?”

Customer: “Nothing, the screen goes black every time I leave the computer for a few minutes. And I have to hold down the power button for it to come back but that restarts everything!”

Me: “Okay can you move the mouse?”

Customer: “I tried that it doesn’t work!”

Me: “Try pressing any key on the keyboard.”

Customer: “Okay, the screen isn’t black anymore, but my internet is still down.”

Me: “What does it say?”

Customer: “Owner logged in.”

Me: “Click on owner.”

Customer: “Okay internet is working now.”

Me: “Sir, that was your screen saver.”

Customer: “I don’t know what that is, but thanks for fixing the internet. Bye!”

(The head of a department wants her word processor upgraded to the latest version.)

Manager: *on phone* “Okay, I’ll send [My Name] over to upgrade you. Please back up all your documents, because he’s going to delete the existing version and install the new one.”

(I go to her office.)

Me: “Hi, I’m here to upgrade [Word Processor] for you. Have you backed up your documents?”

Customer: “Of course I have.”

Me: “Great!”

(I wipe out the existing directory and install the new version. A few minutes before I get back to the faculty computing center, the phone rings.)

Customer: *on phone* “Where are all my letters and papers? They’re all gone!”

Manager: “[My Name] says you backed up your documents.”

Customer: “Well, I didn’t know what you guys meant by that. I didn’t want to look stupid, so I said yes.”

Customer: “My computer has fruit in it!”

Me: “Like what?”

Customer: “Every time I turn my computer on, it has a fruit in it.”

Me: “You mean an apple?”

Customer: “Yeah, I guess.”

Me: “That means you have that brand of computer. Do you need anything else, ma’am?”

Customer: “Well, I don’t really like apples. Can I get a cantaloupe on it, instead?”

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(A customer brings in her desktop for repair.)

Customer: “Excuse me, sir, can you help me? I’ve done something terrible.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. What seems to be the problem today?”

Customer: “Well, I was on the computer, and all of these naughty images started to pop up. Well, I didn’t want my grandkids thinking their grandma was into something nasty, so I started to delete things and, well… I’ve deleted the Internet!”

Me: “It will be all right, ma’am. I think we can save the Internet.”

This story is part of the American States roundup!

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