A Long-John Week

, , , , | Right | October 20, 2020

Our chief financial officer comes back from lunch and finds a voicemail on her direct line, originating from an unlisted number. She doesn’t deal with customers directly, so it’s a mystery how the caller even got the number. Each day, a new voicemail message appears, each time while she’s out of the office on her lunch break.

Monday: “Hi, this is John. My Internet isn’t working. Please give me a call.”

Tuesday: “Hi, this is John again. My Internet still isn’t working; please call me”

Wednesday: “Hi, John again! MY F****** INTERNET IS STILL DOWN. CALL ME.”




Sunday: “Please fix my Internet… and please call me back.”

He never left his last name, phone number, address, account number, or any other remotely identifiable info, not even his first name after the initial few calls. We had hundreds of customers named John. He also never bothered to call our 1-800 help desk or customer service numbers, which were plastered all over the website, phonebook, Yellow Pages, and ads. We never did find who was calling.

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Insecure About The Security Process, Part 2

, , , , , , | Right | October 20, 2020

I work for a building society. They are notorious for having a high turnover when it comes to employees, but nevertheless, I stay as long as possible because I have just finished university and am trying to crawl my way out of my student overdraft.

We have something called “partial authentication.” If you enter a code, it means you only have to go through a bit of security instead of the full lot. It also means you can politely address the account holder by name, which I do because I’m that sort of British. It’s also my final day.

Me: “Good afternoon, [Caller]. You’re through to [Bank]; how can I help today?”

Customer: “I would like to go through a few transactions on my account and check the balance.”

Me: “Okay, then. Can you please just confirm for me [random security information]?”

Customer: “Why should I give you that?”

Me: “It’s just a bit of security so I can take a look at your account.”

Customer: “But you addressed me by name, so I’ve done security!”

Me: “Ah, sir, you have partial security enabled, so when you enter your code when the phone asks for it, it means I only need to do reduced security instead of full.”

Customer: “I shouldn’t have to do that. I want to look at my account.”

Me: “I cannot give you your balance without first confirming security with you. To do so would be a breach of security policy.”

Customer: “I’m not doing that.”

Me: “Okay, sir, is there anything else I can help you with?”

We can give out product advice and such or transfer to sales without much security, so we ask this just in case.

Customer: “Yes, you haven’t helped me. I want my balance and to check my direct debits have gone out.”

Me: “Yes; however, you have chosen to not complete security, and therefore, I cannot complete that request.”

Customer: “But you addressed me by name.”

This carries on ad nauseam. I explain partial security. He states that I addressed him by name so he should not have to do security. I explain that I cannot do anything with the account until he does. This goes on for thirty minutes.

Me: “Sir, if you will not proceed with security, then I cannot take this call any further.”

Customer: “That’s it. I want to talk to a supervisor.”

Me: “Sir, they will only reiterate what I have stated many times.”

Customer: “Supervisor. NOW!”

I grab my supervisor and explain the situation.

Supervisor: “I’m only going to tell him the same thing you said.”

Me: “Would you believe I’ve told him that?”

Supervisor: *To the customer* “Hello, I’m [Supervisor]. I hear you’ve asked to speak to a supervisor.”

She listens.

Supervisor: “Sir, if you are unwilling to do security, then I will have to end this call. We cannot proceed any further if you refuse to do so.”

She ended the call.

Insecure About The Security Process

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Before “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Before “Rocket Man,” There Was… This Guy!

, , , , | Right | October 20, 2020

I am working in a museum that currently features an exhibit of a deceased rock star who was known for his elaborate costumes. My station is by a photo op which includes some costume pieces similar to ones in the exhibit that people can wear for pictures. I’ve just offered them to a couple. The woman takes one piece happily, but the man gives me a skeptical look and says:

Man: “Do you have any clothes for men?”

Me: *Pause* “[Rock Star] was a man. These are things he wore. They are men’s clothes.”

He stood there with his mouth open for a moment. Then he put on a sequined jacket and took a picture.

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Sugarcoating The Truth, Part 2

, , , | Right | October 20, 2020

I work at a small local coffee shop. Our drinks are often described as being better quality than a much more popular coffee chain.

Customer: “I’d like a large black-and-white latte with almond milk, and half the pumps of flavor. I don’t need it too sweet. Is your almond milk sweetened?”

Me: “No, it’s not.”

I pull out the carton to show her.

Customer: “All right, that’s what I want. [Popular Coffee Chain] said theirs was unsweetened, but I think they’re lying.”

I go to make her drink, putting a total of one and a half pumps of flavor in instead of our usual three. When I finish, I hand it to her.

Customer: “This isn’t nearly sweet enough. Can you make it sweeter?”

Me: “I can add more of the chocolate and white chocolate sauce?”

Customer: “Yes, do that!”

I pump in another one and a half pumps of sauce, totaling three, which is our original recipe, and hand it back.

Customer: “Yes! That’s perfect! I’ll make sure to order this again.”

I hope she remembers to order her drink with the regular amount of pumps.

Sugarcoating The Truth

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You Can’t Forget This Customer

, , , , , | Right | October 19, 2020

My cashier shift is ending soon so I begin to clean up my area. A customer approaches me while I have my back turned to my register.

Customer: “You open?”

Me: “I can be.”

I turn around as my customer leaves some clothes on my counter and says he’s going to go look at the sunglasses.

Me: “Please take your items with you, since I am about to leave and won’t be about to watch them!”

The customer gives me a “yeah, yeah” response. I get annoyed and put his clothes on our go-back rack.

Ten minutes later:

Customer: “What happened to my clothes?”

Me: “I told you to take them with you because I am not responsible if another customer picks them up.”

Customer: “Well, that is ridiculous. How was I supposed to know?”

Me: “I have them here, but for future reference, please take them with you. We don’t hold items since the registers are so busy.”

I check him out and he leaves the store only to come back a few minutes later while I am checking out a young customer.

Customer: “I lost some s***. I think my keys.”

I look at my younger customer and ask for a few moments because someone brought some keys and a cellphone up the customer service because they found them on the floor.

Me: “Did you lose just your keys, or something else?”

Customer: “Just my keys. Wait, do you have money too?”

Me: “No, I have keys and something else you usually keep on you. Anything else you’ve lost?”

Customer: “No, you think I’m stupid?”

Me: “Do you have your cell phone on you?”

Customer: *Checks his pockets* “NO! I don’t!”

Me: “What does your cell phone look like?”

Customer: “Umm… uh… Samsung and cracked screen.”

It matches, so I give him his items. He leaves the store and my young customer looks at me.

Young Customer: “Is that what people on drugs act like?”

Me: “Possibly, always be aware of your surroundings. Always.”

Young Customer:Oh, no! He’s coming back.”

After the guy had retrieved his cell phone and his keys, he forgot he’d left his purchase on the ledge next to the exit doors. My customer was so scared.

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