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If I Have To Walk You Through It, You’re Gonna Pay

, , , , | Right | May 21, 2022

A couple of years ago, I was asked to write copy for a start-up’s website. The client wasn’t sure what they wanted, and in the course of “taking the brief,” it became clear that they also hadn’t worked out who their business was aimed at. I spent a lot of time getting them to focus on target customers, market sectors, and so on.

Once this was done, I wrote the copy and sent them my invoice.

Client: “I don’t think I should have to pay for this.”

Me: “What? Why?”

Client: “We spent too much time answering questions beforehand.”

Behind Every Wrong Customer Is A Long-Suffering Wife, Part 2

, , , , , , | Right | May 20, 2022

I work in the ticket windows at a major theme park. A guest comes to my window with a boy of about six in tow.

Guest: *Pointing to the boy* “We forgot this one’s annual pass. Can we get a new copy?”

Me: “Of course, what’s the name on the pass?”

Guest: “David Smith.”

Since the pass is for someone clearly too young to have an ID to match it to, I search for the name “David Smith” and establish that I have the correct pass by verifying the phone number and email address on file. I’m given the correct information, so I finish the process and print a new pass.

Me: *Handing the new pass directly to the boy* “Here you go, kiddo! Maybe have Dad help you keep closer track of it this time, okay?”

He looks at his pass, and then he looks like he’s about to cry.

Boy: “But my name is Wyatt.”

Guest: “Why did you reprint David’s pass?”

Me: “Because you said the pass you needed belonged to David Smith.”

Guest: “No, David Smith paid for it. But the pass is for Wyatt Jones. So why did you reprint David’s?”

Me: “Because I didn’t ask you who paid for it. I asked whose pass it was.”

I start the process over, searching for and verifying the correct pass this time.

Guest: “There’s a difference?”

Me: “Well, unless Wyatt paid for his own annual pass, yes, there is a massive difference.”

Guest: “But I pointed to Wyatt when we forgot his pass. Shouldn’t you have known to look for his pass?”

Me: “How?”

Guest: “How what?”

Me: “How would I have known to look for Wyatt’s pass when the only name you gave me was David?”

He opens and closes his mouth several times. I seem to have stumped him. His wife, however, turns out to be just out of my sight and she understands exactly where he went wrong. She tells him so in ways I only wish I could while being on the clock. I hand him Wyatt’s pass.

Me: “Here is the pass you actually needed. Please make sure to give David his new pass before he visits again and explain to him why the one he has no longer works. Have a nice day.”

He looked like he wanted to say something, but his wife moved him along with an apologetic glance, still giving him grief.

Behind Every Wrong Customer Is A Long-Suffering Wife

We Really Hope He’s Not The Groom

, , , , | Right Romantic | May 20, 2022

Customer: “I’d like to place an order for a wedding.”

I wait. He gives no further information.

Then, his eyes go unfocused, looking through me, as though he is trying to remember something, and he starts muttering:

Customer: “Now, when’s the wedding, when’s the wedding, when is the wedding?”

It goes on for about thirty seconds, so I laugh and say:

Me: “You know, to anyone else, it might look like you were asking me when the wedding is!”

Customer: “I am!”

When Rental Gets Mental

, , , , | Right | May 20, 2022

I am a landlady, renting out multiple rooms in different shared apartments to students, young professionals, and/or tourists. For the last few months, I’ve had a tenant that just doesn’t understand the concept of people living together. Maybe he lived under a rock for the first few decades of his life?

Cleaning up the kitchen, oven, or stove after cooking? Why bother? Someone else will surely deal with the mess and do it for me. Flooding the bathroom after each use, and leaving different coloured stains on (and around) the toilet? Some other tenant (or the landlady) will be there to clean that up!

But the “highlight” is when he is finally supposed to move out. He asks multiple times about his deposit. I assure him that he will get it in cash when he turns in his keys and everything is in the same condition as he got it when he moved in. I even send a list of what he needs to do before moving out, e.g. “wash bed linens,” “clean fridge,” “remove all personal property,” and so on.

I arrive a few minutes early. He is shuffling around, but there is so much stuff still around, the fridge is dirty and full of his food, lots of his things (bike, boxes, food, bathroom items) are still all over the apartment, and I think, “This is just impossible to do in fifteen minutes.”

Five minutes before the arranged time, he says:

Tenant: “Okay, you can check the room now.”

Me: “I am not here to check the room. I am here to check everything, take your keys, and return the deposit, when you leave the apartment.”

Tenant: “But you never said that! I need another four hours for that!”

He knows I have no more time today.

Me: “I can’t check the room if all your stuff is still here, and I won’t return any deposit if you don’t return the keys.”

Technically, he has until tomorrow, until the month is over; it was his decision to return the keys today.

This went on for several minutes, and he did not understand why I just wouldn’t check the room, return the deposit, and then leave him with the keys and all his things in my apartment, as if that was the most normal thing to expect.

I gave up after several minutes of explaining the same thing over and over, and then I turned around and walked out.

I told him to put the keys in the postbox when he had cleared out, and I would check everything then and would return the deposit via bank transfer. Let’s see what happens next.

This Job May Require Telepathy, Part 5

, , , , | Right | May 20, 2022

A young woman and her mother and father walk into the jewelry store where I work.

Woman: “Hi, I was hoping you could help me. My mom had a particular pair of earrings, but she lost one. Do you know if you have the same pair in stock?”

Me: “Do you have the other earring with you?”

Woman: “No.”

Me: “Do you have a photo of the earrings?”

Woman: “No. Why, do you need to see them?”

No, I don’t need to see the earrings. Let me just break out my crystal ball to know what pair of earrings, out of the hundreds in the store, you are hoping we have.

This Job May Require Telepathy, Part 4
This Job May Require Telepathy, Part 3
This Job May Require Telepathy, Part 2
This Job May Require Telepathy