(I was working as an usher on the door, directing people to their seats.)

Customer’s Daughter: “We’re lost, Mummy.”

Customer: “I know. How do we get out of here?”

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, we’re lost.”

Me: “Lost?”

Customer: “Yes, we can’t find our seats.”

Me: “You’re in C12 & 13. That’s the back row, the two seats in the middle.”

Customer: “Oooooh, okay…”

(I watched as she looked for their seats. She stared right at them… then looked over the edge, up to the balcony, and even at the chandelier! They finally settled down in the nook seats at the side that have zero visibility. I worry about our audiences sometimes.)

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(The power went out on campus. We have generator power in some parts of the school, particularly where I am. Then, an admin assistant calls…)

Me: “Help Desk, this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Admin Assistant: “How can I shut my computer off?”

Me: “Okay. The beeping you hear in your room is a UPS. It’s going to keep your computer powered on for only about 19 minutes at best, so it’s good you called. Go into your Start menu and shut your computer down through the shutdown option.

Admin Assistant: “Okay, where?”

Me: *explains how to shut down a computer*

Admin Assistant: “I don’t see where you’re talking about.”

Me: “Okay, do you see your computer screen?”

Admin Assistant: “No, it’s dark in here. It’s dark everywhere. The power went out.”

Me: “Yes, I know. It’s out all over campus. ”

Admin Assistant: “Yeah, so I can’t see anything in here. My computer is off.”

Me: “Okay… your computer is off? Then why did you call? What do you need?”

Admin Assistant: “I don’t know. I just wanted to know how to shut my computer down.”

(I’m not kidding. This really happened. I’ve read similar stories on other web sites. But this is actually what happened to me when I was working a university help desk. Computer Science department, no less.)

Customer: “I bought a computer from you guys not three weeks ago, and my Internet isn’t working.”

Me: “Well, the computer itself seems to be operating perfectly.”

Customer: “It is not working perfectly. I cannot get on the Internet. ”

Me: “I understand that; I just mean while the Internet itself isn’t working, your computer is functioning properly.”

Customer: “My computer is worthless without Internet.”

(Company policy is to direct her to her ISP for further assistance. So I try to get that info from her so I can give her a proper phone number.)

Customer: “Why don’t you just fix it?”

Me: “I’ve run out of things we can try.”

Customer: “What is the ISP going to do?”

Me: “They’ll walk you through a few things, or at least tell you if there is an outage or other problem in your area.”

Customer: “I bought this computer from you, and you should be the ones fixing it.”

Me: “It’s not the computer; it’s the Internet. Unfortunately, we’re not your Internet provider. There’s really nothing more I can do for you.”

Customer: “How much do you charge for Internet?”

Me: “We do not sell Internet.”

Customer: “Then who do I buy my Internet from?”

Me: “I don’t know. [Large Company], perhaps?”

Customer: “I suppose I should order some Internet.”

Me: “You haven’t even signed up for it yet?!”

Customer: “I wanted to do it on the Internet.”

Me: *head explodes*

(I was called by the cashier to help an elderly lady out to her car. As I was loading the trunk, she says…)

Elderly Customer: “How do you say it? Muchas gracious?”

Me: “Um, I’m not Hispanic.”

Elderly Customer: “Oh, really? Where are you from?”

Me: “I’m actually from Bangladesh.”

Elderly Customer: “Really? Is that near Mexico?”

Me: “No… it’s actually right next to India.”

Elderly Customer: “Oh, I see…”

(I finish loading her trunk.)

Elderly Customer: “Thanks and aaadios!”

Me: “…”

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(GTA4 came out recently… it never occurred to me how many people didn’t know roman-bloody-numerals.)

Customer: “I’d like to pre-order Grand Theft Auto Five.”

Me: “Four.”

Customer: “Four? No. I wanted Five. Four is old.”

Me: “Four is the one coming out in a week or so.”

Customer: “No it isn’t! It’s GTA Five you…” *mumbles*

Me: “Sir. That’s GTAIV. IV is Four. V is Five.”

Customer: “Well if you’re going to lie to me, I’m going to another store!” (…and he did.)

(Another occasion…)

Customer: “What is that… Grand Theft Auto Eye Vee…”

Me: “Four.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Grand Theft Auto Four.”

Customer: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “It’s like the Rocky Movies.”

Customer: “OH. Oh. I see now. Heh. Four.”

(And finally, the big day: GTA IV was due to be released at midnight. I lost all hope for humanity when a customer came in and paid off the game, then asked…)

Customer: “Excuse me, what’s midnight?”

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