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And We Wonder Who Clicks On Spam…

, , , , | Right | July 10, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, I seem to have a problem with my online banking.”

Me: “Okay, I’d be happy to help…”

(I identify her and find nothing wrong with her accounts, no flags or overdrafts.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m not seeing anything wrong on our end. Can you describe what the problem is?”

Customer: “I don’t know what the problem is. I just got a message from you that said ‘Contact Us’.”

Me: “Okay, can you read me the message you received?”

Customer: “It says ‘Contact Us’.”

Me: “That’s all, contact us, and that’s it? No explanation?”

Customer: “That’s all! It just says ‘Contact Us’ in blue letters right above my messages.”

Me: “Wait, above your messages? You mean the link?”

Customer: “The what?”

Me: “Ma’am, the blue message to contact us is a hyperlink to a blank letter. It wasn’t telling you to contact us; the link is always there for feedback, like a suggestion box.”

Customer: “Oh… well, can I please speak with your supervisor! I cannot be the only one who thought this!”

(I transfered her over and proceeded to bang my head against my keyboard.)

No, But They Do A Wonderful Brogue

, , | Right | July 10, 2008

Me: “Hi, do you need any help?”

Guest: “Yeah… do the chimps, like, speak English?”

Me: “Ummm…. no.”

…And Fruit Hates You Right Back

, , , | Right | July 7, 2008

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’d like a Coke.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we make smoothies here. Have you looked at our menu?”

Customer: “You don’t have any Coke?”

Me: “No, sir. Just fruit drinks.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I’ll have a coffee then.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t serve coffee here. Just smoothies.”

Customer: “What kind of drink shop is this?! I come in here trying to get a drink, and you don’t have anything!”

Me: “We’re a smoothie shop, sir. What kind of fruit do you like?”

Customer: “I HATE FRUIT!” *storms out of the store*

Directionally Challenged

, , , , | Right | July 6, 2008

Me: “Hello! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need a [Sandwich], two large fries, and a shake.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t sell those here. [Competitor] is next door.”

Customer: “OH!”

(He walks into my dining room and promptly returns to the counter. He appears slightly confused.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah! I thought you said [Competitor] is next door.”

Me: “Yes, sir, it is.”

(I proceed to walk with him back to the dining room and point next door.)

Me: “If you come back this way and go through our side exit, you can walk right over to [Competitor].”

Customer: “OH!”

(I follow him back to the area near the side door and point him in that direction. He appears to be on his way to a [Sandwich], two fries and, a shake when I hear our restroom door open and close. Sure enough, moments later he appears at my counter again.)

Customer: “Why did you send me to the bathroom?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Please follow me.”

(I escort the gentleman out the side door and tell him [Competitor] is next door.)

Customer: “OH! Thank you!”

(He started walking toward the front of both my building and [Competitor]. I felt confident he was going to get there. I was wrong. He walked around my building and through the parking lot, and was last seen heading toward an empty lot and the railroad tracks.)


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Fortunately, It’s Raining Pork Barrels And Earmarks

, , , , | Right | July 3, 2008

(Background: I work at a small round lake about a mile in diameter. From any point on the shore, you can see the edge of the lake all around. The lake is used for fishing and as such is full of sand and seaweed and fish.)

Patron: “Hi, can you tell me what ocean this is?”

Me: “Sir, this is a freshwater man-made lake, not an ocean.”

Patron: “I mean, what ocean is it connected to?”

Me: “It’s not connected to an ocean. It’s a man-made lake.”

(The patron pauses and obviously decides to come at this from another angle.)

Patron: “What river feeds this lake?”

Me: “This lake used to be a gravel pit before they filled it in with water. It’s not connected to the river system. It’s man-made.”

Patron: “Well, where does all the water come from?”

Me: “The lake is filled with rainwater, mostly.”

Patron: “That’s awful! I don’t want to let my kids swim in rainwater… It’s dirty. You should keep the rain out of the lake!”

Me: *sarcastically* “I totally agree. Maybe we can spend tax dollars on a tarp to cover the lake when it rains.”

Patron: “That’s an excellent idea! I hope you mention that to your supervisors!”


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