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Elemental State Of Confusion

, , | Right | June 9, 2009

(I had just brought a table their glasses of water before coming back to take their orders.)

Customer: “There’s something in my water! I demand a new one right away!”

(She holds up an ice cube in her hand to show me.)

Me: “Oh, okay, I’ll bring you one without ice.”

Customer: “Without what?”

Me: “Ice.”

Customer: “Ice? Huh?”

Me: “Um… ice cubes.”

(She looks at me blankly.)

Me: “The little cubes of frozen water…”

Customer: “FROZEN WATER! That’s crazy… Why is it in my glass?”

Me: “To keep your water cold.”

Customer: “Well, if I wanted that I would’ve ordered an iced water! Haven’t you ever been to Starbucks? That’s the way a REAL restaurant does it.”

Me: “…”

Must Have Been A Part-Time Thief

, , , , | Right | June 9, 2009

(A lady comes in and I hurriedly wipe the table. She eats, finishes, and is about to leave.)

Customer: “Have you seen my car keys? You must have swept it off the table when you were cleaning it when I just got here. Go check the garbage.”

(I go check the bus pans.)

Me: “No, they aren’t in the bus pans. Would they be in your purse?”

Customer: “No, you must have them. Let me go check your garbage.”

Me: “No, we can’t allow you to go through our garbage. The back of house is out of bounds.”

Customer: “Well, someone must have taken my keys. Go check the garbage again.”

(At this point, a coworker goes out to the parking lot and notices her keys still in the lock of her car door.)

Coworker: “Are these your keys?”

Customer: “Where did you find them?”

Coworker: “They were on your door…”

Customer: “Obviously, someone stole them from me and put them out there. My car could be been stolen!”

Mixing In Danger Costs Extra

, , , , | Right | June 8, 2009

Customer: “Hi, I’d like vanilla ice cream with peanut butter cups mixed in, please.”

Me: “Okay, is that all for you?”

Customer: “Yes, and just so you know, I’m allergic to peanuts. Can you make sure it’s nut-free?”

Me: “Uh… you just ordered PEANUT butter cups for your ice cream…

Customer: “I thought you guys could do allergy-safe ice cream. The sign says you can make sure my food is allergy-safe!”

Me: “Well, yes… but you need to order food without peanuts in it first…”


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The Flesh Is Bright But The Mind Is Dimming

, , , | Healthy Right | June 8, 2009

Me: “Okay, sir, just a few X-rays and we’ll be done.”

Patient: “Please make it quick. I don’t want to glow when I leave!”

Me: “No, sir, I promise you won’t glow. That’s just an X-ray joke.”

Patient: “It’s dark out! I can’t glow or I’ll be seen!”

Me: “Sir, I swear you will not glow.”

Patient: “NO GLOOOWWWIINNG!”

Me: *gives up* “The glow afterward is so faint, no one will ever see it.”

Patient: “Oh… okay, then. Proceed…”

It’s A Perm, Not A Sperm

, , , , | Right | June 5, 2009

Me: “[Beauty Supply Store]. How can I help you?”

Caller: *almost sobbing* “I need help! Do you know about permanent waves?”

Me: “Yes, we carry a few different brands. Did you buy one here?”

Caller: “No, I had one done by a friend. I don’t know where she bought it. I need to know… is it true that you can get pregnant if you have a perm while you’re on your period?”

(At this point I’m hoping it’s a prank call. I try to keep my voice professional.)

Me: “No, ma’am. A perm can’t cause that.”

Caller: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, I am 100% positive having your hair permed can’t make you pregnant.”

Caller: “Oh, thank God!” *hangs up*