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Brawn Over Brains

, , , , | Right | May 19, 2009

(One day at the fitness club I manage, I am called to the front desk of our gym to answer a question for a member.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Fitness Club]. Can I help you?”

Gym Member: “Yes, I was wondering if you can teach me to do what they are doing?”

(The customer gestures to our pool, which has been emptied due to a crack, and has several repairmen on the floor trying to fix it.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Teach you to do what?”

Gym Member: “To walk on the bottom of the pool like that.”

Me: “Sir, those gentlemen are repairmen. They are fixing a crack in the pool floor.”

Gym Member: “Oh, so you have to be a repairman to learn how to walk underwater like that?!”


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Miracle On 24th Street

, , , , | Right | May 15, 2009

(I had activated a phone for a new customer with a standard two-year agreement. The next day, she comes back into the store, clearly irritated.)

Me: “Hi, welcome back. How is your new phone working?”

Customer: “You messed up my contract. You need to fix it.”

Me: “Okay, what is the problem with your contract?”

Customer: “You said I had a two-year contract, but on this paperwork, it says 24 months. You need to fix it.”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s nothing wrong with the contract.”

Customer: “Yes, there is. You said two years and this says 24 months!”

Me: “Ma’am… how many months are in a year?”

Customer: “Twel–oh…well, now I feel stupid!”

Survival Of The Fittest In Action

, , , , | Healthy | May 14, 2009

Me: “Hello, this is [Doctor]’s office. Can I help you?”

Patient: “Yeah, is there an injection I can get for my gout?”

Me: “I don’t think so. I think we only give injections for muscle pain, but I can double-check for you.”

Patient: “Yeah, check. I’m going away this weekend and my ankle really hurts. My primary doctor says it’s not gout. I had these labs done, and they all say it’s not gout, but it really hurts.”

Me: “It’s not gout, but you want to know about a gout injection?”

Patient: “Well, they say it’s not gout, but I was at a bar and a guy looked at it and said, ‘That’s gout, all right!'”

Me: *pause* “A guy at the bar?”

Patient: “Yeah. And he gave me one of his pills, and it really helped.”

Me: “You took a pill from some guy in a bar?!”

Patient: “Yeah, it really helped, and it was gout medicine, so I think I have gout. So, is there an injection?”

Me: “Hold, please.”

(At this point, I go ask my manager if a gout injection exists, which it doesn’t, and I explain the situation. She agrees that this is completely stupid, but that if the woman wants gout medication, we can prescribe it.)

Me: “Thanks for holding. Turns out there’s no injection for gout.”

Patient: “Really? My ankle’s killing me.”

Me: “Well, if the medicine you took worked for you, we may be able to write you a prescription for it.”

Patient: “Oh, I already have a prescription.”

Me: “You… already have a prescription that stops your pain? Are you taking it?”

Patient: “No, I thought an injection might be faster.”

Me: *long pause* “Is there anything else you need today?”

Patient: “No, thank you.” *click*

Me: “Oh. My. God.”

Wireless, Clueless and Hopeless

, , , | Right | May 13, 2009

(A customer calls into our tech support line and says she is having a problem with her computer.)

Me: “So, do you see an error message?”

Customer: “No, I don’t get any errors. I don’t get anything!”

Me: “Okay, what do you see on your monitor?”

Customer: “I only get a black screen. Can you please fix it? I have a paper due tomorrow.”

Me: “Ma’am, if your screen is black, that means your laptop isn’t turned on. Are there any lights lit?”

Customer: “I don’t see any lights…”

Me: “Well, can you try pressing the power button?”

Customer: “That doesn’t work.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m sorry, but I think there’s a problem with your computer.”

Customer: “That’s impossible! I just bought it!”

Me: “Hmm, strange. Did you charge the battery?”

Customer: “What do you mean, charge it?”

Me: “Well, did you plug your computer in a power socket, with the included power supply?”

Customer: “I need to plug it in? I thought it was WIRELESS!”

Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio

, , , , | Healthy | May 12, 2009

Customer: “These things don’t work! They are hard to swallow and I nearly choked to death.”

Me: “Ma’am, they are suppositories. You don’t swallow them; you insert them rectally.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “You unwrap them and insert them in your rectum.”

Customer: “What’s my rectum?”

Me: “Ma’am, please forgive me, but your rectum is your butthole.”

Customer: “Well, up yours, too!” *stalks off*

(This is not the first time someone misunderstood when we explained how to use a suppository. It’s the only time we can tell a patient, “Up yours,” and get away with it!)