(A customer comes up, pointing at our self-serve, touch-screen soda machines.)

Customer: “These machines are awful! They don’t work! They’re broken!”

Me: “I’m sorry. Show me what the problem is and I’ll see if I can help.”

(I leave the counter and walk over to the machines.)

Customer: *placing cup down and pushing the ice button* “I push this and I get ice! But who wants just ice?! There’s no way to get soda with these stupid machines! What idiot thought that getting soda machines that only gives you ice was a good idea?! They must be broken or something!”

Me: “Actually, you pour the soda into the cup by pushing the soda button next to the ice button.”

Customer: “How was I supposed to know that?”

(They proceed to push the soda button.)

Customer: “Nothing’s coming out! I told you these machines were broken!”

Me: “Well, first you have to use the touch screen to select the soda that you want.”

Customer: *becoming more frustrated* “How was I supposed to know that?!”

(They then start haphazardly slamming their fingers into the touch screen, which is clearly marked with big bold letters that say, “Touch Screen to Begin.”)

Customer: “How does this stupid thing work?”

Me: “You just navigate the menu and select the type of soda you want, and then you select any additional optional flavor you want.”

Customer: *fuming* “How was I supposed to know that?!”

(The customer selects the “cola” option and then proceeds to press the button. They stop after a second and take a sip.)

Customer: “I WANTED CHERRY COLA!”

Me: “Did you press the cherry cola option?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “Well, sir… you need to press the flavor of the drink you want before the machine can give it to you.”

Customer: “HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?!”

(They turn back to the machine, and press the cherry cola button. They then hold down the soda button and refuse to let go until the cup starts to overflow, sloshing cola all over their hand.)

Customer: “GOD D*** IT! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME TO STOP?! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THESE MACHINES OVERFLOW YOUR STUPID CUPS?!”

(I flagged down a supervisor and headed back to stand, because I literally didn’t know what else to say. And the sad thing is, this sort of thing has happened to me two or three times a week since the new machines came in a while back. Is getting a soda really that hard?)

(It is a half-hour before the home improvement store where I work closes for the night.)

Customer: “Where is the milk?”

Me: “We don’t sell milk. “

Customer: “What do you mean, you don’t sell milk? “

Me: “We don’t sell milk. We never have. Try the [Store #1] next door, or the [Store #2] across the street.”

Customer: “Not any food anywhere in the whole store?”

Me: “We have chips and pop up at the registers.”

(The customer stared at me, confused, for a while before finally leaving.)

(I work at a fairly high-end home furnishings chain. A woman comes into the store and I go to greet her.)

Customer: “Hi. I was wondering if you would replace a chair I bought here. I got it home, and two weeks later, it broke.”

Me: “All right, which chair was it?”

(She describes a popular chair style, which is made of highly durable reeds, loosely woven into the bowl-shaped seat.)

Customer: “Yeah, my kids were jumping on it, and then it broke.”

Me: “…”

(Here’s a tip: if you want the store to replace your expensive chair, maybe don’t let slip that it only broke when your children were using it as a trampoline.)

Customer: “I want to exchange this bottle of vitamins. It melted.”

Me: “No problem. Do you want to grab another one and come back to me?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(The customer goes to get the vitamins and I help the next person. Then she comes back.)

Me: “It will just take a minute.”

(I complete the return and give the customer the receipt. As I do this, I really take a good look at the bottle. These are children’s gummy vitamins, and the entire bottle is completely gelled, like it has been liquefied and then cooled.)

Me: “Whoa! Did you find this on the shelf like this?!”

Customer: “No. My husband left it in the car for an hour while he was in the doctor’s office last week.”

(I guess I’d better start asking more questions.)

(My mom works loss prevention at the local supermarket. She is following this guy around who is obviously stealing things. Aware that LP is following him, he whirls to face her and starts shouting.)

Shoplifter: “This is bulls***! I’m not stealing anything!”

(As he goes on about how it’s BS, he’s removing and taking out the stuff he was planning to steal. As he’s leaving, he declares loudly:)

Shoplifter: “I’m never coming back here!”

Loss Prevention: “Good!”