(It is a half-hour before the home improvement store where I work closes for the night.)

Customer: “Where is the milk?”

Me: “We don’t sell milk. “

Customer: “What do you mean, you don’t sell milk? “

Me: “We don’t sell milk. We never have. Try the [Store #1] next door, or the [Store #2] across the street.”

Customer: “Not any food anywhere in the whole store?”

Me: “We have chips and pop up at the registers.”

(The customer stared at me, confused, for a while before finally leaving.)

(I work at a fairly high-end home furnishings chain. A woman comes into the store and I go to greet her.)

Customer: “Hi. I was wondering if you would replace a chair I bought here. I got it home, and two weeks later, it broke.”

Me: “All right, which chair was it?”

(She describes a popular chair style, which is made of highly durable reeds, loosely woven into the bowl-shaped seat.)

Customer: “Yeah, my kids were jumping on it, and then it broke.”

Me: “…”

(Here’s a tip: if you want the store to replace your expensive chair, maybe don’t let slip that it only broke when your children were using it as a trampoline.)

Customer: “I want to exchange this bottle of vitamins. It melted.”

Me: “No problem. Do you want to grab another one and come back to me?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(The customer goes to get the vitamins and I help the next person. Then she comes back.)

Me: “It will just take a minute.”

(I complete the return and give the customer the receipt. As I do this, I really take a good look at the bottle. These are children’s gummy vitamins, and the entire bottle is completely gelled, like it has been liquefied and then cooled.)

Me: “Whoa! Did you find this on the shelf like this?!”

Customer: “No. My husband left it in the car for an hour while he was in the doctor’s office last week.”

(I guess I’d better start asking more questions.)

(My mom works loss prevention at the local supermarket. She is following this guy around who is obviously stealing things. Aware that LP is following him, he whirls to face her and starts shouting.)

Shoplifter: “This is bulls***! I’m not stealing anything!”

(As he goes on about how it’s BS, he’s removing and taking out the stuff he was planning to steal. As he’s leaving, he declares loudly:)

Shoplifter: “I’m never coming back here!”

Loss Prevention: “Good!”

I am part of an online art community. I think that it’s pretty obvious I’m English; it is even part of my online identity, including jokes about being an “English gentleman.” When someone asks me where I’m from, I assume they’re asking where in England and that they have some grasp of the country’s geography. I tell them I’m from Hampshire.

They ask me where in New Hampshire. I have to explain to them that Hampshire is a county in England.

A little while later, a different artist asks where I’m from. Remembering this event, I instead tell them I’m from the south of England.

They proceed to ask me where, specifically, in New England.

I started telling people I’m from the UK after that.