How To Get Your Kids Into Therapy

, , , , , , | Related | October 2, 2017

(We go to St. Louis on vacation and decide to visit the Gateway Arch. There are about 40 or so people in front of me. Directly in front of me is a dad with two young children. The dad looks ahead and counts out how many families are going before him and works out which elevator they would be getting on. Note that ALL the elevators kind of lurch, making a metallic noise as the elevator starts up.)

Dad: “Yeah, kids, this is going to be really awesome! We are going to be very high up and have an amazing view of the city! But we don’t want to be on elevator four.”

Kids: “Why not elevator four, Dad?”

Dad: “That elevator will jolt and make a horrible metal noise and will eventually fall and we will all die! But there are a lot of elevators, so we don’t need to worry about that.”

(The kids look scared, but reassured by their dad. As the line shortens, the kids start counting ahead to predict which elevator they will be on.)

Kids: *gasp* “DAD! DAD! WE ARE GOING TO BE ON ELEVATOR FOUR!”

Dad: “Nooo. There’s no way!”

(The line ends, and the dad and kids are next. The kids are near hysterics. The dad turns to me.)

Dad: “Sir, would you mind switching places with me?”

Me: “NO WAY! That’s elevator four!”

(The dad only smirked as his plan came full circle. They got into the elevator and, sure enough, it jolted and made the noise. Pure horror-filled screams filled the room, as everyone who was aware of the situation was bent over laughing.)

Unfiltered Story #94389

, , , | Unfiltered | September 22, 2017

A group of my friends and I plan a trip to visit Six Flags. We spend weeks getting excited about it and the day finally arrives. We park in the parking lot and as we walk to the gates, I notice an unusually high number of rainbow stickers on cars. Then when we get into the park, we notice a lot of groups of scantily-clad effeminate men, and a lot of groups of butch women, lots of people of the same gender doing things out in the open that would get a straight couple kicked out of a public place, and more double entendres in conversations with strangers while standing in line than you could wave a rainbow flag at. Within an hour, everyone else in my group figured it out, too. Turns out there was a pride event in St. Louis the day before and it was agreed upon that everyone attending would go to Six Flags the next day, though it was apparently never officially sponsored by Six Flags. Gotta say I’m kinda glad we skipped the water park.

Also that day I ran into some people I went to high school with (who I know for sure weren’t there for the events, for the record). It was nice to say hi to them and then we went about our day.

Several weeks later I ran into one of those people from high school and we talked about our respective amusement park visits.

Me: “Yeah, that was a fun day. Especially amusing because it was gay day,” I said.

Friend: *confused* “Gay day?”

Me: “Yeah . . . did . . . did you not notice that well over half the people there were homosexual? They weren’t exactly being discreet about it. There was a pride event in St. Louis that weekend.”

Friend: *the lights suddenly turning on* “Oh my gosh! That explains so much!”

Grandma Is On The Juice

, , , , , | Related | August 30, 2017

(My grandmother had a habit of saying bizarre and off-the-wall statements. When Grandpa, her husband of 40 years, passed away, she topped them all. They have a burial plot together where one coffin will be on top of the other.)

Grandmother: “I’m glad your grandpa went first… so all of his juices won’t be leaking out on me.”  

(Thanks, Grandma. I’ll never get that out of my head.)

You’re Going To Pay (Inside) For That

, , , , | Right | August 27, 2017

(I work in a gas station with the option to select “pay inside” on the gas pump, which allows you to fill up first before paying. This button alerts us that someone wants to pay inside and then we are able to approve the pump to start without pre-payment.)

Customer: *walks up to counter* “Hey, if I give you my license will you turn my pump on so I can fill up?”

Me: “I don’t need your license, ma’am. If you go outside and select the ‘pay inside’ button I can start the pump for you.”

Customer: “I don’t get it. Why can’t I fill up my car and then pay inside?”

Me: “You can. I just won’t be able to turn on the pump until you hit the button.”

Customer: “But they let me do that at other gas stations all the time!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m saying when you go outside to start pumping, you just have to hit the ‘pay inside’ button before you select the fuel grade.”

Customer: “You know, whatever! I’ll just go to [Gas Station down the road] instead! This is ridiculous!”

(The customer starts to walk out door, then turns around and comes back.)

Customer: “Just put $20 on it! Whatever!” *begins to storm out again*

Me: “Miss, what pump are you at?”

Customer: *yelling, as if I can read minds and know which of many vehicles belongs to her* “Oh, my god! Five!”

(The gas station down the road she said she would go to instead is strictly pre-pay only.)

Awesome Bosses Are Hard To Ignore

, , , , , | Working | August 11, 2017

(The store I work at is a punk/gag retail store. Our customers generally range from the usual teenagers, to the occasional adult. We’re required to greet every guest as they enter the store and provide them with a promotion. It’s not uncommon for guests to completely ignore us. This happens to be one of those times.)

Me: “Hey, Welcome to [Store]. How are you?”

Customer: *ignores me*

(Once the customer is out of earshot, I turn to my store manager who has been standing beside me given the rather slow day.)

Manager: “I’m great; how are you?”

Me: “I’m good! Can I help you find anything?”

Manager: “No, just browsing.”

Me: “All right! Well, jewelry is buy one, get one half off! Feel free to ask if you have any questions.”

Manager: “Thank you!”

(We then parted ways and went about our business as if nothing ever happened.)

Page 1/212
Next »