(My wife and I are both women.)
Me: “That shirt makes you look like a lesbian.”
Wife: “I mean, I married you, so… mission accomplished?”
(I laugh and go to finish getting ready. Suddenly, it hits me.)
Me: “Wait a second… That’s my shirt!”
Wife: *hysterical laughter*
(My husband and I are standing in line to get snacks at a movie theater, talking while we wait. I respond to something he says in a way that’s snarky and fake-insulting, as that’s how I express my affection most of the time, and he usually volleys it right back.)
Husband: “You are ruining date night.”
Me: *gasps* “This is a date?!”
Husband: “Yes, this is date night and you’re ruining it.”
Me: “Do… do you like me?”
Husband: “…”
Me: “Do you like me like me?!”
Husband: “I’m not sure where you find divorce papers, but you’re making me really tempted to find out.”
Me: “Now who’s ruining date night?”
(I work at a fast food place at a highway rest stop. Since our prices are higher than others of our kind, I usually tell customers certain combinations they can do to save money. This happens during one of my breakfast shifts. An elderly couple walks up to the counter.)
Me: “Hi, what can I get for you today?”
Husband: “Can I get [Breakfast Platter] but without the pancakes?”
Wife: “And I just want an order of pancakes.”
Me: “Okay, well, if you want to make it cheaper, we can just do the [Breakfast Platter] with the pancakes. That way, you can sav—“
Husband: “I don’t want pancakes. She does.”
Me: “Yes, but the end result would be the same. I could even tell them to plate it sep—“
Husband: “I don’t want the pancakes. She does.”
Wife: “He’s telling you that you can save money by—“
Husband: “I don’t want pancakes. We’ll do it like this.”
Me: “…Okay, then.”
(I rang them up and gave them their change. They left me standing there in utter confusion. I hope the guy realized he could have saved $4 and me a lot of headache.)
(I observe this couple in a gift shop.)
Wife: *picks up a realistic stuffed narwhal toy* “Aww, honey, look at this!”
Husband: “What is that?! Is that, like, one of them platypuses?”
Wife: “No, it’s a narwhal!”
Husband: “A what?”
Wife: “A narwhal. It’s a whale with a horn that lives in the Arctic.”
Husband: “And… it’s real?”
Wife: “Yes, it’s real! Have you seriously never heard of a narwhal?!”
Husband: “Never. That thing looks like a f****** unicorn-manatee or something!”
(I’m not sure what’s stranger — that this guy had never heard of a narwhal, or that he had apparently heard of a platypus but thinks it looks like a whale!)
(My wife and I are in adult Sunday School when the teacher is covering Galatians 5:22-23.)
Teacher: *reading* “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”
Me: *whispering to wife* “Wow, hard to be good in so many ways.”
Wife: *whispering to me* “Just pick one.”
