My Bloody Valentine, Part 2

, , , , | Romantic | February 22, 2013

(I am pretty squeamish about movie gore and really have to be in the right mood to watch anything, even if it’s a favorite.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, babe. Want to watch a movie with me?”

(He names a crime thriller I haven’t seen before.)

Me: “Yeah, I could watch that. But only if it’s not too scary.”

(Half an hour into the movie, a character is having a violent fight with his girlfriend through a door only to have his side end abruptly. Clearly, the killer has gotten to him.)

Me: *through half-closed eyes* “Oooh, she shouldn’t open the door, she shouldn’t open the door, she shouldn’t open the door!”

Boyfriend: “No, no! It’s okay! He went away to get her flowers!”

(The girlfriend character opens the door to a scene of messy horror.)

Me: “You said he got her flowers!”

Boyfriend: “Blood flowers!”


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Sheldon Cooper Dating Amy Farrah-Fowler, Part 4

, , , , , , , | Romantic | August 10, 2012

(My husband and I are both huge nerds, obsessed with anything to do with science and video games. He’s currently playing “Skyrim,” a fantasy game with beautifully rendered dragons. I happily note that the dragons actually look plausible. A pet peeve of mine is “unrealistic-looking” fantasy creatures. This leads to a long discussion/argument about how to build a truly plausible dragon via evolution. I, a marine biologist, have referenced everything from iguana tails to egret necks to various species of bats’ wings and even proto-birds like archaeopteryx, over the last hour to cobble this thing together, but my husband, the physicist, is still unsatisfied.)

Husband: “That’s all well and good, but you’ve only given me possibilities, and things that could maybe fly, given the right size-scale and circumstances.”

Me: “Sweetheart, I would be happy to genetically engineer a functioning dragon in our kitchen for you, but I think I’d end up doing something illegal in the process.”

Husband: “We’d probably get evicted.”


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Guacamole Matrimony

, , , , , | Related | June 5, 2012

(We’re at a family friend’s house for Memorial Day. My dad is talking about the homemade guacamole my mother made and brought.)

Dad: “This is the second-best batch she’s ever made! Of course, it’s also only the second time she’s made it.”

Me: “So, you’re saying she’s getting worse?”

(My dad stares at me silently for a few moments.)

Dad: “Nope. I’m not saying nothin’.”


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Modern Divorces Require A Hedge Fund

, , , | Romantic | May 2, 2012

(I’ve just served this man at my work and we are chatting as I add up his order.)

Me: “So, what are you up to today?”

Customer: “I have to trim the hedges again. My wife keeps driving the car into them.”

Me: “Oh… well, it’s a nice day to be out in the garden.”

Customer: “Well, I figure it’s cheaper to fix the hedge than get a divorce.”


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To Boldy Go, As You Wish

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 1, 2012

(I am watching TV while my wife reads a magazine.)

Me: “Oh, honey, look—The Princess Bride is on.”

Wife: “What’s that?”

Me: “You’re joking, right?”

Wife: “Is it a cartoon? Sounds like a cartoon.”

Me:The Princess Bride? You’ve honestly never seen The Princess Bride? Who ARE you?”

Wife: “Why are you looking at me like you’re going to divorce me?”

Me: “Not seeing The Princess Bride is like saying you haven’t seen Star Wars.”

Wife: “Ooh! I know that one! That’s the one with the silly man with the pointy ears?”


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