My Bloody Valentine, Part 2

, , , , | Romantic | February 22, 2013

(I am pretty squeamish about movie gore and really have to be in the right mood to watch anything, even if it’s a favorite.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, babe. Want to watch a movie with me?”

(He names a crime thriller I haven’t seen before.)

Me: “Yeah, I could watch that. But only if it’s not too scary.”

(Half an hour into the movie, a character is having a violent fight with his girlfriend through a door only to have his side end abruptly. Clearly, the killer has gotten to him.)

Me: *through half-closed eyes* “Oooh, she shouldn’t open the door, she shouldn’t open the door, she shouldn’t open the door!”

Boyfriend: “No, no! It’s okay! He went away to get her flowers!”

(The girlfriend character opens the door to a scene of messy horror.)

Me: “You said he got her flowers!”

Boyfriend: “Blood flowers!”

This story is part of our Scary Movies roundup!

Read the next Scary Movies roundup story!

Read the Scary Movies roundup!

1 Thumbs

Sheldon Cooper Dating Amy Farrah-Fowler, Part 4

, , , , , , , | Romantic | August 10, 2012

(My husband and I are both huge nerds, obsessed with anything to do with science and video games. He’s currently playing “Skyrim,” a fantasy game with beautifully rendered dragons. I happily note that the dragons actually look plausible. A pet peeve of mine is “unrealistic-looking” fantasy creatures. This leads to a long discussion/argument about how to build a truly plausible dragon via evolution. I, a marine biologist, have referenced everything from iguana tails to egret necks to various species of bats’ wings and even proto-birds like archaeopteryx, over the last hour to cobble this thing together, but my husband, the physicist, is still unsatisfied.)

Husband: “That’s all well and good, but you’ve only given me possibilities, and things that could maybe fly, given the right size-scale and circumstances.”

Me: “Sweetheart, I would be happy to genetically engineer a functioning dragon in our kitchen for you, but I think I’d end up doing something illegal in the process.”

Husband: “We’d probably get evicted.”

This story is part of the Nerds In Love roundup!

Read the next Nerds In Love roundup story!

Read the Nerds In Love roundup!

1 Thumbs

Guacamole Matrimony

, , , , , | Related | June 5, 2012

(We’re at a family friend’s house for Memorial Day. My dad is talking about the homemade guacamole my mother made and brought.)

Dad: “This is the second-best batch she’s ever made! Of course, it’s also only the second time she’s made it.”

Me: “So, you’re saying she’s getting worse?”

(My dad stares at me silently for a few moments.)

Dad: “Nope. I’m not saying nothin’.”

Did you find this story using our Memorial Day roundup?

Click here to read the next story!

Click here to get back to the roundup!

1 Thumbs

Modern Divorces Require A Hedge Fund

, , , | Romantic | May 2, 2012

(I’ve just served this man at my work and we are chatting as I add up his order.)

Me: “So, what are you up to today?”

Customer: “I have to trim the hedges again. My wife keeps driving the car into them.”

Me: “Oh… well, it’s a nice day to be out in the garden.”

Customer: “Well, I figure it’s cheaper to fix the hedge than get a divorce.”

This story is part of our Houseplant roundup!

Read the next Houseplant roundup story!

Read the Houseplant roundup!

1 Thumbs

To Boldy Go, As You Wish

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 1, 2012

(I am watching TV while my wife reads a magazine.)

Me: “Oh, honey, look—The Princess Bride is on.”

Wife: “What’s that?”

Me: “You’re joking, right?”

Wife: “Is it a cartoon? Sounds like a cartoon.”

Me:The Princess Bride? You’ve honestly never seen The Princess Bride? Who ARE you?”

Wife: “Why are you looking at me like you’re going to divorce me?”

Me: “Not seeing The Princess Bride is like saying you haven’t seen Star Wars.”

Wife: “Ooh! I know that one! That’s the one with the silly man with the pointy ears?”

This story is included in our Princess Bride roundup!

Want to read the next story? Click here!

Want to read the roundup? Click here!

1 Thumbs