(I work at a language school that also offers different kinds of student accommodation. I manage the homestay — local host families that take our students. Fall and winter were slow, but spring and summer come with a bunch of groups, so I have spent the last four weeks calling families to check if they are available. The Christmas season in Spain ends January 6th and both the 8th and 12th of December are bank holidays. In short, it’s a busy month for Spanish families, so to get in touch I have to call several times. Also note that we can call a family any time; we don’t control when a request for host family comes, so families are expected to answer the phone.)

Me: “Hi, [Lady]! I’m [My Name] from [School]; I’m calling to check if you can host some of our students.”

Lady: “Oh, hi, sweetie!” *has a small chat about the Christmas holidays and New Year* “So, [Guy that no longer works here] told me months ago about this group coming in March–”

Me: “Yeah, that group cancelled, but–”

Lady: “Cancelled?!”

Me: “Yup. They are not coming but–”

Lady: “Why didn’t you tell me?!”

Me: “Well, I’ve been calling lots of host families for the past four weeks, but I guess you might have been too busy with the Christmas season. Anyway, I have–”

Lady: “Well, it was Christmas. I was busy!”

Me: “I understand. There’s no big deal since the group is not coming but–”

Lady: “YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME!”

Me: “Again, I called you several times and couldn’t reach you but–”

Lady: “You should have kept trying!”

Me: “I did. I called several times, different days and hours.”

Lady: “I had no calls from you! I had several calls from an unknown number, but not you!”

Me: “That was probably me, [Lady]!”

Lady: “Well, I don’t answer if I don’t recognise the number.”

Me: *stunned silence for a few seconds* “Well… I can only speak to you if you pick up your phone.”

Lady: “I don’t answer numbers I don’t recognise! You should have tried calling [Husband] or [Daughter]!”

Me: “Your number is the only one in the file.”

Lady: “So?! You should have tried!”

Me: *speechless*

(I’m still trying to understand how on Earth I am supposed to get in touch with someone if I only have one phone number and she chooses to not pick up the phone.)

(We’ve just finished a long day of rehearsal and the coordinator is giving us some final reminders for the next day.)

Coordinator: “Make sure you remember to bring… Wait, is that a phone I hear?”

(Sure enough, we can hear a phone ringing and vibrating. An actor raises his hand, slightly embarrassed.)

Actor: “Um, yes, sorry, it’s mine. Should I hang up?”

(The coordinator thinks he’s joking and laughs.)

Coordinator: *sarcastically* “Oh, no, don’t worry. Answer it; we’ll wait for you.”

Actor: “Oh, all right!” *answers his phone and starts talking*

(The coordinator is left with a wild look on her face and some crew members start chuckling. The actor, however, keeps talking on the phone, completely oblivious. When we realize this, the laughter stops.)

Actor: “Yeah, I know… Uh… Hey, I think I’ll call you later; everyone’s staring at me.”

(My friend and I are waiting in a very long, slow-moving passport control line to travel back to Canada. An agent begins to direct EU citizens to a different line. The man behind me has a clear American accent.)

Agent: “EU passports, gates D and E! Come this way!”

Man: *behind us, to his wife* “We’re going to gate D!”

Agent: “EU passports only, gates D and E! Please come to this line!

Man: “That’s us! We’re gate D!”

Friend: *turns around to man* “Are you an EU citizen? Do you have an EU passport?”

Man: “I’m gate D!”

Friend: “But do you have an EU passport?”

Man: “But she’s saying gate D, that’s us!”

Friend: “Gate D for EU citizens only! Are you from North America?”

Man: “No, I’m not from North America! I’m from Chicago!”

(I work as a waiter and bartender at an Irish pub in Spain that also serves restaurant food. I don’t speak Spanish but have picked up enough to get by when working — food, drinks, numbers, etc. I generally don’t have any language problems while working, but it’s obvious Spanish is not my native language. A Spanish customer has come in with his wife and son to eat lunch.)

Wife: *in Spanish* “I’ll have the chicken burger and a lemonade, please.”

Me: *in Spanish* “That’s fine.”

Son: *in Spanish* “And I’ll have fish and chips and a Coke.”

Me: *in Spanish* “Certainly.”

Husband: *speaks in Spanish too quickly and unintelligibly for me to understand*

Me: *in Spanish* “I’m sorry?”

Husband: *still speaks too quickly*

Me: *in English* “I’m sorry, I can’t quite understand that.”

Husband: *still speaking too quickly*

Me: “Maybe if you show me on the menu?”

Husband: *more unintelligible Spanish, getting annoyed*

(His wife then attempts to tell me what her husband wants, but he silences her.)

Husband: *more unintelligible Spanish*

(I think I finally understand the order and leave to give it to the cooks. When it’s ready, I bring the order back. The husband looks at his meal and then at me.)

Husband: *in perfect English* “I said I wanted the Irish Breakfast!”

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13 Cringeworthy True Stories About Tourists Who Have Absolutely No Clue

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(I am on holiday in an all-inclusive hotel complex on the Spanish island of Mallorca. The hotel is a mixture of English, German, Dutch, Russian, and Spanish holidaymakers. I am English but used to live in Spain many years ago. My Spanish is a little rusty at times, but I still try to use it as much as often when speaking to Spanish inhabitants, mainly as I find it a bit more respectful than just expecting them to speak English. Sadly, some of my compatriots don’t think the same way, and many English holidaymakers don’t make the effort to learn even one or two words of Spanish that may help them get by. I have just been served a beer at the bar of the hotel, and I have just had a brief, pleasant conversation with the barman, in Spanish. As I am walking away from the bar, a fellow holidaymaker from England who I talked to a few days ago notices me with the beer in my hand and approaches me.)

Holidaymaker: “Where did you get that beer from?”

Me: *motioning behind me to the large bar that I am about five feet from* “Erm, from the bar.”

Holidaymaker: “Aww, I really want a beer.”

(He then looks at me expectantly. An awkward silence follows.)

Me: “Umm… just go and ask for one at the bar, then?”

Holidaymaker: “But… I don’t speak Spanish.”

Me: “Erm… okay. I’m pretty sure that the barman speaks English.”

Holidaymaker: “But… I heard you talking to him in Spanish. Why would you do that if he speaks English?”

Me: “Because I can speak Spanish and we’re in Spain. It’s not a big deal. Honestly, I don’t think he will mind if you can’t speak Spanish. Just ask him for one in English.”

Holidaymaker: “But… you’re English. Why didn’t you ask him in English? Are you taking the mickey out of me?”

Me: *utterly confused by now* “What?”

Other Holidaymaker: “If he speaks English, and you’re English, then why didn’t you ask him in English?”

(There is another long awkward silence.)

Me: *trying to get away from him* “Lo siento mucho, señor. No hablo ingles.”

(I walked away from him, leaving him totally and utterly confused.)

Related:
Totally Estupido, Part 8
Totally Estupido, Part 7
Totally Estupido, Part 6

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