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Giving The Gift Of Confusion

, , | Right | December 26, 2017

(I am the customer in this story. It’s the 26th of December, and I’m calling customer support for an online retailer.)

Me: “Yeah, you see, I recently received this package from you guys but I didn’t ask for it.”

Support: “Did you check or buy on our website recently?”

Me: “Actually, yes, I’ve bought a few things, just not this one. It’s a ship for one to mount and paint, you know? I don’t remember buying that.”

Support: “Did you receive some unexpected payment in your card?”

Me: “No, not, at all. Maybe it’s somebody else’s. Maybe somebody bought it and by some sort of mistake it came to me and now they’re waiting for it.”

Support: “Is your name on the package? Is it addressed to you?”

Me: “Yes, yes, of course it is. I wouldn’t have taken it otherwise.”

Support: “Sir, maybe it’s a gift from someone?”

Me: “…”

Support: “Sir?”

Me: “Uh… yeah, that makes sense. A gift. Of course. Thanks for your help.”

Support: “Thanks for calling and Merry Christmas, sir.”

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Mining This For All It’s Worth

, , , , , | Romantic | November 26, 2017

(I’m teaching my girlfriend to play an old video game where you destroy blocks that slowly move towards you by putting “mines” on the ground and detonating them later. The game is fairly simple in that you can only move around a very limited space, place the mine with a button, and detonate it with the same button. The rules are also easy: you must destroy all blocks but the black ones. I explain all of this to her, but since she’s a really bad listener, I also make her watch the tutorial first.)

Me: “Do you have any questions on how it works?”

Girlfriend: “Nope, all clear.”

Me: “Cool, go for it.”

(I start the game and hand her the controller, but then she instantly makes the character run towards a block, starts mashing all the buttons, and dies, crushed.)

Me: “That’s okay; it was your first try. Just calm down a—”

(The game starts again and she does exactly the same.)

Me: “Honey, you don’t need to keep pressing every button. You’ve got time for everything; there’s no hurry.”

(The game starts once more and exactly the same scenario happens. For ten straight minutes she keeps running to her death while I try to explain to her how to play, but she doesn’t even acknowledge my voice or my presence. I try to touch her arm and gently shove her, but no reaction; it’s like she’s in some sort of trance. Finally, I forcefully yank the controller out of her hands and pause the game.)

Me: “What’s going on? What are you doing?”

Girlfriend: *looking at me like she just came back from another reality* “Huh? What?”

Me: “What were you doing?”

Girlfriend: “It didn’t work.”

Me: “There’s no way it’ll work if you just mash the buttons like that.”

Girlfriend: “No, but I did it because it wasn’t working.”

Me: “What wasn’t working?”

Girlfriend: “The mines were not moving.”

Me: “Why would they?”

Girlfriend: “It makes sense.”

Me: “When I explained the game to you, did I mention that you can move mines?”

Girlfriend: “No.”

Me: “When you watched the tutorial, at any point did it show you that you can move mines?”

Girlfriend: “No.”

Me: “And you died like 30 times trying to do it, even though it clearly wasn’t working.”

Girlfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “Then?”

Girlfriend: “It makes sense.”

Me: “So, you just made up a game mechanic in your mind against all options, noticed that it didn’t work at all, yet kept trying to make it work again, and again, and again.”

Girlfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “Why?”

Girlfriend: “It made sense.”

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Please Tell Me You’re Kitten

, , , | Friendly | September 4, 2017

(My girlfriend and I are visiting a friend who has two dogs and two cats.)

Friend: “The weirdest thing happened yesterday. All the animals were in the same room, and I left for about half an hour, but when I came back, there was a single drop of blood on the floor. So, of course, I checked all of them to see if they were hurt, but not one of them had a single scratch. They’ve been living here together for years now without ever attacking each other. I have no idea where that came from.”

Me: “Well, that IS weird, but nothing to worry about, I guess.”

Girlfriend: “I know what happened.”

Friend: “You do?”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, clearly one of the cats was pregnant and you didn’t notice. She had her babies in the room, but felt hungry and ate them.”

(Our friend and I start laughing, completely convinced that it’s some sort of joke explanation, but as my girlfriend keeps looking at us with a concerned look, laughter stops.)

Me: “You’re… you’re not serious, right?”

Girlfriend: “It could happen.”

Friend: “No, it could not! How can you not notice a pregnant cat?”

Girlfriend: “I don’t know, it surely isn’t that noticeable.”

Me: “You can’t be serious right now. That’s not the only problem here; it takes far longer than half an hour for a cat give birth.”

Girlfriend: “Maybe it was just one or two kitties.”

Friend: “It still takes a while, and also, it’s really messy, there’d be much more than a drop of blood around.”

Girlfriend: “I just told you, she ate it all.”

Me: “But why?”

Girlfriend: “She was hungry!”

Me: “Cats rarely eat bones!”

Girlfriend: “Well, this one obviously does.”

Friend: “Are you for real right now? Nothing of what you said makes any sense whatsoever; stop trying to defend it.”

Girlfriend: “At least I have an explanation, unlike any of you!”

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Mom Has Gone A Bit Bird-Brained

, , , | Related | August 31, 2017

(My mother and I rescue a little sparrow that fell from the nest. After much talking about it, she keeps insisting that we have to release it as soon as possible, even though I’d like to wait a bit to make sure he grows strong and healthy enough. After much insistence on her part, we go to a nearby park and release the little guy. The very next day, this conversation happens:)

Mother: “Don’t you feel bad about him?”

Me: “What?”

Mother: “The little birdie. I miss him. Why did we release him?”

Me: “You were the one who kept insisting on it, Mom.”

Mother: “Yes, but we really shouldn’t have. What if some cat finds him? I don’t want to think about that. We should take him back.”

Me: “Good luck with that.”

Mother: “You’re coming with me.”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Mother: “We’re going to the park and search for him.”

Me: “Mom, it was a sparrow. A normal sparrow. There’s hundreds of them at the park at any given time, and they probably fly all around the city. It’s impossible to find that one.”

Mother: “No, we’re going to get him back. You released him; it’s your responsibility!”

Me: “I only did it because you kept asking me to do it!”

Mother: “You are just being lazy. Stop whining and come with me.”

(In the end, we spent three hours roaming the park, while she kept asking anyone passing by if they had “seen a little bird”, much to their amusement. Obviously, the bird never came back.)

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Bath Bomb And On And On

, , | Right | June 23, 2017

Customer: “Hi, I wanted to buy one of your premade gift boxes but I can’t spare more than 20€ on it.”

Me: “Sure, we’ve got this option over here with a piece of soap and a moisturizer.”

Customer: “I’d prefer if it had some bath bombs or bath bubbles.”

Me: “Not a problem. This other one has one of each.”

Customer: “But only one of each is not enough.”

Me: “Well, if you don’t mind spending a bit more, for 25€ you can get this one that has two bombs and two bubbles.”

Customer: “And is there nothing under 20€?”

Me: “Yes, the ones I already showed you.”

Customer: “And what do they have?”

Me: “The first one has a piece of soap and a moisturizer…”

Customer: “But I want bath bombs.”

Me: “…and the second one has a bath bomb and a bubble.”

Customer: “Only one of each?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “And don’t you have anything with more than one bomb?”

Me: “Yes, as I already told you, there’s this option with two of each for 25€.”

Customer: “And is there no options under 20€?”

(At this point a supervisor notices I’m talking with a customer, which I shouldn’t be doing as I’m actually the stock controller. She takes over and I keep doing my job, but every time I pass near them, the conversation seems to be stuck in basically the same cycle. Around twenty minutes later, the customer comes to me again.)

Customer: *holding one of the boxes I already showed her* “What’s in this one?”

Me: “A bath bomb and a bubble.”

Customer: “And is there one that has more than one of each?”

Me: “…yeah, this one over here, but as we’ve seen earlier it costs 25€.”

Customer: “And is there nothing under 20€?”

Me: “Look, that’s all the options we have considering your needs. The only boxes under 20€ are the ones I already showed you.”

Customer: “Oh. And what’s in those?”

Me: “A bath bomb and a bubble.”

Customer: “Oh, right. Right.”

(After this she looks very confused and starts roaming inside the store, clearly unable to make a decision. Another half an hour later she’s still around, so I decide to check on her.)

Me: “How’s it going?”

Customer: “I don’t know… I’ll make a call to get another opinion on this.”

(Yet another half an hour passes when I see her in the till with the 20€ box and the 25€ one. She handles the second one to the cashier.)

Customer: “What’s in this one?”

Cashier: “Two bombs and two bubbles.”

Customer: “I guess I’ll take the other one then.”

(Later I was told by a coworker that she had been having the exact same conversation over and over with basically all of the staff.)

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