Their Own Private Joke

, , , | Right | October 10, 2014

(This happens on a class trip to Spain after a girl realizes she left her comb at home.)

Girl: *walks up to front desk* “Do you have any combs?”

Employee: “No hablo Ingles.”

Girl: *in Spanish* “Necesito un pene, por favor.”

Employee: *laughs hysterically*

Girl: *angry* “Hey! Necesito un pene!” *pantomimes brushing hair*

Employee: *realizes what’s going on, takes out comb, and hands it to girl*

Girl: “Sí!”

Employee: “Ese es ‘un peine.'” *That’s ‘un peine.’* “Un pene es…” *points to his privates*

Girl: “Oh. S***!”


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Giving Them A Spanish Inquisition

, , | Right | October 9, 2013

(I’m a teenager, although I look younger. My father owns a small, English-run shop, and I work some shifts there if I want some extra cash. My father can’t speak a word of Spanish, although I can since I go to school in Spain. Two customers walk in, talking in Spanish.)

Customer #1: “I hate this shop! It’s stupid, and they don’t even speak Spanish.”

Customer #2: “I know, right? I only come in here so I can mentally mock everything.”

(I’ve been listening the whole time, but they’ve only just spotted me.)

Customer #1: “Look! They’ve hired some low-life kid to help them out. I swear that’s illegal; I’m going to report it because it will be funny.”

(I’ve been keeping quiet, but now I get angry. I twist around, facing the men, and start talking to them in Spanish.)

Me: “Okay, listen up: I’m a teenager, and my dad owns this shop. In case you haven’t noticed already, I do speak Spanish, and I’ve heard everything you just said. So if you hate this shop so much, why don’t you get out?”

(We never see them again, which my father appreciates since they were always coming in without buying anything and he didn’t know how to say anything!)


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At Last They See The Light

, , , , | Related | August 2, 2013

(I’m in Spain, practicing Spanish for my university studies. I’m ringing my father back in England for some advice.)

Me: “So, Dad, the bulb in my bedroom has blown. I’ve never replaced one by myself before. Can you give me some tips?”

Dad: “What? No, it hasn’t; what are you on about?”

Me: “My bedroom’s only light is gone; I need help!”

Dad: “It’s not your only light. I know you have a lamp. It’s tall so it reaches your bed!”

Me: *penny drops* “Dad, I’m talking about my bedroom in Spain, not England. How would I know the state of my light in another country?!”

Dad: “Ooh. I was wondering that myself.”


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The Rain, In Spain, Mainly Lies On A Plane

, , , , | Romantic | September 24, 2012

(We are on a flight to Lanzarote in the Canary Islands. It’s my very first commercial flight, and my boyfriend and I are on our first holiday together. We haven’t managed to sit together on the plane, so I’ve been trying to act cool, even though I’m really excited. Halfway through the flight, I get up and go to see him in the next compartment.)

Me: *loudly, looking out of his window* “Look, the Bay of Biscay! It looks exactly like it does on the map!”

Boyfriend: “Cartographers don’t lie, dear.”

(The whole compartment started laughing, and he’s never let me live it down.)


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The Cosplayer Is Always Right

, , , , , , | Right | August 2, 2012

(Our Japanese restaurant is near a school that annually hosts an anime convention. So, it’s fairly common to have cosplayers among our customers at the time of the con. The owner is okay with it as long as they don’t annoy the other customers. On this day, we seat twelve cosplayers and, later, I seat three young customers near them.)

Young Customer #1: “What is this? Why are those guys costumed?”

Me: “Oh, there’s a large anime convention ongoing at the local school. It’s rather common to see them at the times of the gathering.”

Young Customer #1: *chuckles* “Yeah, what a bunch of dorks.”

Young Customer #2: “Total nerds.”

(Since there are no other free tables and they didn’t pre-order a table, they sit near the cosplayers while mocking them under their breath. In the meantime, a cosplayer of Pikachu is talking somewhat loudly on his phone.)

Young Customer #2: *waves at me* “Hey, you! Tell those dorks to shut up!”

Halo Cosplayer: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir.” *to ‘Pikachu’* “Dude, not so loud. You’re bothering people.”

Pikachu Cosplayer: “What? Oh, sorry to bother you guys.” *starts talking again, but much quieter*

Young Customer #3: “Yeah, that’s right. Shut up, you virgin nerd!”

Young Customer #1: “Go back to the library, virgins!”

(At this point, I warn the owner about the behavior of the younger customers. He immediately goes to their table.)

Owner: “What seems to be the problem?”

Young Customer #1: “It’s not our fault. Those nerds started to insult us! We’re not going to stay here and do nothing!”

Owner: “My staff told me the contrary, actually.”

Young Customer #3: “What?! That b**** waitress is lying!”

Owner: “Sir, I won’t allow you to insult my staff or customers. Those cosplayers were extremely polite and quiet during their meals, unlike you. If someone must be thrown out, it’s you.”

(In the blink of an eye, one of the young customers gets up and tries to grab the owner. However, to our surprise, one of the cosplayers playing Batman grabs him by the hair, slams him on the table, and holds him still.)

Young Customer #1: “OW! That f***ing hurts! Who the f*** do you think you are, you motherf***er?!”

Batman Cosplayer: *in a raspy tone* “I am vengeance. I am the night. I am… Batman.”

(The two other customers began to yell, but quickly shut up when all the cosplayers got up and surrounded them, showing that most of them were clearly larger. The mall security arrested the bad customers, and the cosplayers left after apologizing for the trouble. However, it was not before we snapped a picture with them. Now, we frequently joke about that time when Batman, Pikachu, and Master Chief saved the restaurant!)


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