His Speaking Speed Keeps Dublin And Dublin  

, , , , | Right | December 6, 2019

(I work as a waiter and bartender at an Irish pub in Spain that also serves restaurant food. I don’t speak Spanish but have picked up enough to get by when working — food, drinks, numbers, etc. I generally don’t have any language problems while working, but it’s obvious Spanish is not my native language. A Spanish customer has come in with his wife and son to eat lunch.)

Wife: *in Spanish* “I’ll have the chicken burger and a lemonade, please.”

Me: *in Spanish* “That’s fine.”

Son: *in Spanish* “And I’ll have fish and chips and a Coke.”

Me: *in Spanish* “Certainly.”

Husband: *speaks in Spanish too quickly and unintelligibly for me to understand*

Me: *in Spanish* “I’m sorry?”

Husband: *still speaks too quickly*

Me: *in English* “I’m sorry, I can’t quite understand that.”

Husband: *still speaking too quickly*

Me: “Maybe if you show me on the menu?”

Husband: *more unintelligible Spanish, getting annoyed*

(His wife then attempts to tell me what her husband wants, but he silences her.)

Husband: *more unintelligible Spanish*

(I think I finally understand the order and leave to give it to the cooks. When it’s ready, I bring the order back. The husband looks at his meal and then at me.)

Husband: *in perfect English* “I said I wanted the Irish Breakfast!”

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Unfiltered Story #123741

, , | Unfiltered | October 21, 2018

(I am a delivery guy in a famous Spanish pizza chain. It’s just my second day, and my manager requests that I go pick one of our motorbikes from the garage. At this point, I know where the garage is (it’s a communal car park with part of the lowest level reserved for our bikes), but not how to get in without a vehicle, so I’m looking around for the doorway, lost, with a helmet in my hands, in full, bright red delivery uniform. A married couple with two young girls cross my path, and I assume they live nearby.)
ME: Excuse me, miss, do you know which one of these doors lead to the garage?
LADY: Sorry, I don’t live here-
DAUGHTERS: [in unison, interrupting her] Are you a Formula One pilot?
(The lady’s face turns bright red as the kids keep asking me if I’m a pilot)
LADY: So sorry… You know, kids have a huge imagination…
ME: Don’t worry…
DAUGHTERS: Mommy, is this boy a pilot?
LADY: Yes, sweetie, he is.
DAUGHTERS: Whoa! Cool! Do you know Fernando Alonso?
ME: I… what?
(The lady looks even more embarrassed as she tries to get her daughters to stop bothering me with F1-related questions.)
LADY: I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Bye! [And they all leave]
ME: …what on Earth just happened?

High Quality Pizza

, , , , | Right | March 6, 2018

(I work for a well-known pizza chain as a delivery guy, but I also occasionally answer the phone for pick-up orders.)

Me: “Welcome to [Pizza Chain]. How can I help you tonight?”

Customer: *silence, then muffled laughter*

Me: “Hello?”

Customer: *clumsily, as if he has trouble speaking* “Yeah, I… I’d like, uh… pizza.”

(By now it’s clear to me that he’s high as a kite.)

Me: “Okay, can you tell me your address, please?”

Customer: *muffled laughter*

Me: “Hello?”

Customer: “Say… If I don’t give you the address, you can’t deliver the pizza, right?”

Me: *deadpan* “Well, no.”

Customer: *hangs up*

(The same guy calls several times more, and all of the exchanges are exactly like this.)

Me: “Welcome to [Pizza Chain]. How can I help you tonight?”

Customer: *muffled laughter* “Yeah, uh…” *hangs up*

(My manager has been watching the whole thing, grinning.)

Me: “High as f***.”

Manager: “I figured.”

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The Cosplayer Is Always Right

, , , , , , | Right | August 2, 2012

(Our Japanese restaurant is near a school that annually hosts an anime convention. So, it’s fairly common to have cosplayers among our customers at the time of the con. The owner is okay with it as long as they don’t annoy the other customers. On this day, we seat twelve cosplayers and, later, I seat three young customers near them.)

Young Customer #1: “What is this? Why are those guys costumed?”

Me: “Oh, there’s a large anime convention ongoing at the local school. It’s rather common to see them at the times of the gathering.”

Young Customer #1: *chuckles* “Yeah, what a bunch of dorks.”

Young Customer #2: “Total nerds.”

(Since there are no other free tables and they didn’t pre-order a table, they sit near the cosplayers while mocking them under their breath. In the meantime, a cosplayer of Pikachu is talking somewhat loudly on his phone.)

Young Customer #2: *waves at me* “Hey, you! Tell those dorks to shut up!”

Halo Cosplayer: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir.” *to ‘Pikachu’* “Dude, not so loud. You’re bothering people.”

Pikachu Cosplayer: “What? Oh, sorry to bother you guys.” *starts talking again, but much quieter*

Young Customer #3: “Yeah, that’s right. Shut up, you virgin nerd!”

Young Customer #1: “Go back to the library, virgins!”

(At this point, I warn the owner about the behavior of the younger customers. He immediately goes to their table.)

Owner: “What seems to be the problem?”

Young Customer #1: “It’s not our fault. Those nerds started to insult us! We’re not going to stay here and do nothing!”

Owner: “My staff told me the contrary, actually.”

Young Customer #3: “What?! That b***h waitress is lying!”

Owner: “Sir, I won’t allow you to insult my staff or customers. Those cosplayers were extremely polite and quiet during their meals, unlike you. If someone must be thrown out, it’s you.”

(In the blink of an eye, one of the young customers gets up and tries to grab the owner. However, to our surprise, one of the cosplayers playing Batman grabs him by the hair, slams him on the table, and holds him still.)

Young Customer #1: “OW! That f***ing hurts! Who the f*** do you think you are, you motherf***er?!”

Batman Cosplayer: *in a raspy tone* “I am vengeance. I am the night. I am… Batman.”

(The two other customers began to yell, but quickly shut up when all the cosplayers got up and surrounded them, showing that most of them were clearly larger. The mall security arrested the bad customers, and the cosplayers left after apologizing for the trouble. However, it was not before we snapped a picture with them. Now, we frequently joke about that time when Batman, Pikachu, and Master Chief saved the restaurant!)

 

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