(My brother’s boyfriend comes to pick him up for their date. My brother and I share the same room. I’m feeding my new pet tarantula when he walks in.)
Brother’s Boyfriend: “Cool pet.”
Me: “Thanks. Say hello Tara.”
Brother’s Boyfriend: “Tara? Isn’t that a little on the nose?”
Me: “You have a calico named Catherine and an Egyptian Mau named Cleopatra.”
Brother’s Boyfriend: “Touché.”
(I work at a very popular girls’ clothing store. We sell large emoji pillows. A customer comes in and buys one large happy emoji, and one large poop emoji. We have bags large enough to hold them. After putting the happy emoji in a bag, I find myself saying this gem:)
Me: “Hmm. I don’t think I can squish the poop in this bag, too.”
(I have this “conversation” with my father every few weeks when I am living with him in my mid-twenties.)
TV Commercial: “Talk to your kids about drugs.”
Dad: *yelling from the TV room* “[My Name]! Don’t do drugs!”
Response #1: “You’re ruining my life!“
Response #2: “Well, I can’t get a refund!”
Response #3: “But I already sent out the party invitations! Also, don’t come home Friday!”
(I am pregnant, and though I have gotten past morning sickness for the most part, I am still not a morning person. My boyfriend has also discovered how to use my cravings to his advantage. My boyfriend’s alarm goes off, and he gently shakes me while hitting the snooze button.)
Boyfriend: “Hey, it’s time to get up.”
(I ignore him. A few minutes later, the alarm goes off again, and he hits snooze.)
Boyfriend: “C’mon, let’s get up. We’ve got things to do today.”
(I roll over and ignore him. A few minutes later, the alarm goes off again.)
Boyfriend: *quietly in my ear* “Cheese fries.”
Me: *stomach growls loudly, I open one eye* “Mmph.”
Boyfriend: “If you get up, I’ll get you some cheese fries. Just for you.”
Me: *sitting up* “Mmph. With bacon?”
(My department cooks our own rotisserie turkeys, which we then chill down and slice for customers. Usually, we only have plain ones, but recently we’ve gotten some new lemon pepper seasoning so we can have a new flavor of turkeys. After my first time slicing one, I notice that the slicer, and my gloves, have turned bright yellow.)
Me: “Ugh, look at this s***! There’s yellow all over everything!”
Coworker: “It looks like you just murdered Homer Simpson, dude.”
Related:
Not So Mellow Yellow
