The Power To Express-o

, , , , | Romantic | March 7, 2012

(My boyfriend has just sent me a text message. I hate coffee, but my boyfriend adores it.)

Boyfriend: “I wrote you a poem! It’s about coffee!”

How I love my coffee,
How it fills me with life.
How it soothes my heart,
How it calms my soul.
How it awakens my senses,
And makes me feel warm.
Oh, [My Name],
My coffee is you.

Me: “Aww, thanks. But I am not coffee.”

Boyfriend: “But I made it sound so good!”


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More Daylight, Less Twilight, Part 7

, , | Right | March 1, 2012

(I am a vampire at a haunted house. My costume includes fangs, a cape, and of course, I am drenched in blood.)

Teenage Girl: *looking extremely mad* “What is this?! They got your costumes all wrong!”

Me: *snarling, not dropping character* “You smell delicious… It’s so rare we get fresh victims…”

Teenage Girl: “No, no, no! Vampires drink ANIMAL blood! And why aren’t you sparkling?!”

Me: “Your neck… It’s so… inviting—”

Teenage Girl: “This is WRONG! You aren’t real vampires!” *stomps away*


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A Bit Young To Be So Off-Color

, , , | Right | December 14, 2011

(I am a kindergarten teacher, and I’m meeting a student for the first time.)

Me: “What is your favorite color?”

Five-Year-Old: “Stool.”

Me: “Let’s try that again…”


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It Takes Two Baby

, , , | Right | January 1, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling. My name is [My Name]. May I have your phone number, please?”

Customer: “Okay… two.”

(I wait a few seconds for the customer to finish. The customer stays silent.)

Me: “And what’s the rest?”

Customer: “No that’s it.”

Me: “Your phone number is two?”

Customer: “Oh! I thought you asked me what my favorite number was!”

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Carrying A Lot Of Baggage

, , , , | Right | July 28, 2010

Me: “What kind of bag would you like?”

Customer: *without hesitation* “A hot blonde with blue eyes, six feet tall, smart, and successful.”

Me: “Me and you both, buddy. But you’re in luck, as it just so happens our bags are tan and blue. Will that be okay?”

Customer: “That’s fine. It’s better than what I have back at home.”

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