(I work as a lot attendant at a grocery store. The produce manager there has a running gag where he will occasionally say an employee’s first name, a random middle name, and their last name, when calling them to his department over the PA. Everyone gets a kick out of it. One day when I’m inside for safety reasons due to a thunderstorm, it goes a step further.)
Manager: *on PA* “[My First Name]… [My Real Middle Name]… [My Last Name]… Come to produce, please.”
(I try very hard to contain my laughter as I make my way to the produce department.)
Me: “Hey, [Manager], what’s up? By the way, I’ll be honest: I wasn’t expecting you to get it on the first try!”
(We both burst out laughing. It turns out that was the first time in over 20 years working for the company that he accidentally got an employee’s full name right.)
(My son, husband, and I are eating dinner with my in-laws. My father-in-law is looking at his phone and makes an announcement.)
Father-In-Law: *to Mother-In-Law* “Did you know that next Saturday is Naked Gardening day?”
Me: *perking up because I’m planning a trip with my son and nieces next weekend past a local attraction on that day* “Well, we’ll have an interesting sight passing by The Garden of a Thousand Buddhas!”
Husband: “Yeah, it’ll be Garden of a Thousand Booties!”
(My mother-in-law was absorbed in a game on her phone and was oblivious to why the three of us were cackling.)
(I’m at the salon getting my hair cut with my stylist who I have been going to for nearly five years. We know each other quite well and both have a similar, snarky sense of humor. The stylist at the chair to our left brings over her new client, a stunning young woman in her 20s, with beautiful, thick blonde hair down to about the bottom of her waist.)
Other Stylist: “So, what are you looking for today?”
Client: “I just want about two inches taken off.”
(She then indicates with her hand what would be between four to six inches. My stylist and I lock eyes in the mirror and try not to laugh. The stylist and client go off to the sinks.)
Me: “Her boyfriend is SOOOOO lucky!”
I’ve only been at this job about three weeks, but it’s significantly less stressful than the job I held prior. It’s near the end of my shift, and I still have a natural smile on my face, when a man comes up to my register. He has two large plastic totes with latching lids, as well as some other groceries.
I ring up his groceries as I make small talk, and then I walk around my register to scan and check inside the totes. Anyone in retail knows the acronym LISA: look in-side always. I can clearly see into the first and scan it, then I tip open the lid of the second, and without thinking I say, “All clear; no dead bodies in here,” and scan it.
The customer starts laughing, and I can feel my face get red-hot as I realize that I’ve said it out loud! As I try to regain my composure, the man goes, “Wait… No dead body?! Then where the h*** did she go?!”
I guess he could tell I felt embarrassed.
(I recently reconnected with the Catholic priest from my childhood parish. He is also one of the few Catholic priests I know who does not care for alcohol due to alcoholism negatively affecting his own family. One evening, he comes for a visit and enters my kitchen.)
Priest: “Well, [My Name], what is that in the corner there?”
(He points to a large bottle of wine as he raises his eyebrows at me.)
Me: “Father, that’s water, but Jesus was here, so it might be wine now!”
(He just laughed and clapped me on the shoulder.)
