(I work at a cinema. For those who haven’t watched it, the Deadpool movie contains an extra at the end of the credits, stating that it is a “d**k move” to leave garbage lying around in the theatre. This occurs after the end of the credits:)

Me: *to people exiting the theatre* “Thank you! Come again!”

Man: *behind most of them* “Deadpool will get them because none of them f****** listened when he told them to not leave their garbage lying around!”

(I have never seen so many people go back into a theatre to pick up their trash off the seat.)

(We’ve received a shipment of boxes, which are in the process of being stacked in the storage area. As I walk past the delivery guy, I accidentally knock a box off the top of a precarious stack, and since there’s nothing fragile in it, I just kick it out of my way. I then hear a wolf-whistle, and turn to see the delivery guy grinning at me.)

Delivery Guy: “Hey, you kick boxes like a pro! If you ever want a job with [Large Delivery Service], let me know. I’ll put in a good word for you!”

(I’m saying goodnight to my wife as I have to be up early for work. We are standing there hugging and I go for a cheeky feel of her backside. As I do, a 2p coin drops to the floor.)

Me: “Did you just poop out a 2p?”

Wife: “It must have got stuck to my bum.” *she’s not wearing pyjama bottoms*

Me: “Sure! Come on. If you can just do that with a few hundred rolls of £50 notes, I can give up work! You can be my golden goose.”

Wife: “I’ll goose you in a minute! I’m not pooping money for anyone.”

I volunteer at a nearby hospital. My position is mainly front-desk, which means when visitors come in to see a patient, they have to get a visitor badge from me or the other volunteer. The badges have to show the visitors’ names, destination, time they checked in with the front desk, picture, etc.

The pictures come out a lot darker than expected, almost as silhouettes. Every time someone makes a comment like, “Why is my picture so dark?” or, “How come it looks like this?” I tell them, “I don’t know why it makes everyone look like a locked video game character.”

After that, the visitors leave the front desk and go to see their patient while laughing and carrying a smile on their face.

(I’m at home watching “The Greatest Showman” with my family, after the song “Never Enough” played.)

Character From The Movie: “When will it be enough?

Me: “Never, obviously!”