(My wife and I are watching a political drama/thriller on TV when our college-age daughter walks into the room and sits down.)

Daughter: “What are you guys watching? What’s going on here?”

Me: “Okay, so, this soldier here has just seen his buddy shot in the head, and now…[explains the plot of the film thus far].”

Daughter: “Oh… No. That seems a bit much for me, on a Thursday evening and everything. I can’t deal with that.”

(She gets out her phone and starts reading something whilst we continue watching the film.)

Me: “What is it you’re reading, anyway?”

Daughter: “Oh, I was just reading up on the Zodiac Killer.”

(I consider myself very lucky that I have always been healthy. I was never sick often as a kid, and have no chronic ailments as an adult. Call me crazy, but I generally assumed that was the case for most people unless they had a serious accident, or developed a condition, etc. That is, until recently, when I check into the hospital for a minor procedure. Nothing is wrong; this is a procedure having to do with fertility. My mom goes with me the morning of my appointment and is sitting by my bed while I fill out the final pre-surgery forms and get set up with the IV, etc. Over the course of the next half-hour, I have only slightly different versions of the same conversation with every nurse and doctor who comes to check on me:)

Nurse #1: *checks my chart* “I see here your only medication is birth control?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Nurse #1: “No allergies? No other medications?”

Me: “Nope.”

Nurse #1: “Hmm… Okay.” *leaves*

(Mom and I give each other a look, but don’t think anything else of it. Then the next conversations happen:)

Nurse #2: “Are you sure you don’t take any other medications?”

Nurse #3: “Are you sure you don’t have allergies?”

Doctor #1: “Wow! No other meds?”

Nurse #4: “I can’t believe you’re not taking anything else!”

Doctor #2: “Birth control is the only thing you take?”

Me: *turning to my mom after the last doctor leaves* “Are they being really, really thorough, or do we just live in a very unhealthy area?”

Mom: “When I had surgery last year only two people asked me about the medicines I take. It seems strange to me, too, and you’re so young! What do they expect you to be taking?”

(The procedure goes fine, and soon I’m waking up from the anesthesia.)

Mom: “Hi, honey.”

Nurse #5: “Hi there, [My Name]! You did great!” *checks my chart* “Are you really only taking birth control, and nothing else?”

Me: *slurred and groggy* “Seriously?! How unhealthy did you expect me to be?!”

(My uncle just had surgery and is telling me about it.)

Uncle: “They told me, because the painkillers mess with your head, to wait 24 hours before making any important decisions or signing any legal documents.”

Me: “Sounds reasonable.”

Uncle: “Then they said, ‘Sign here.'”

(I guess THEIR legal documents don’t count.)

(Growing up, I was the kid in my family who tended to have the worst sense of humour. I was certainly a stick in the mud at school, and even at home I wasn’t very good at taking a joke. Still, my family was very close, especially after my grandparents moved to the same town as us. One day, we are visiting a nearby village and pop into a tourist store. God knows why, but they have these little rubber eggs on sale; they’re not round enough to bounce properly, just rubber eggs used for… I’ve no clue. However, having a quid burning a hole in my pocket convinces 14-year-old me that this particular trinket is worth having. That afternoon we head to my grandparents’ house for lunch. I pop into the kitchen and open the fridge, and I spot that the egg tray is just one short of being full. Looking around to make sure nobody is watching me, I grab the rubber egg out of my pocket and put it in the tray. Afterward, I pretty much forget about the whole thing… until a week later, when I am back at home.)

Mum: “Hey, [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes?”

Mum: “Didn’t you buy a rubber egg at that shop in [Village]?”

Me: “Oh, umm, yeah. I did. Why?”

Mum: “What did you do with it?”

(I told her about what I’d done, and she burst out laughing. It turns out, my gran tried to crack the egg, only to find that she couldn’t. Rather than realising she’d been pranked with a rubber egg, she instead took it down to her local supermarket and asked for a refund!  The employees were staring at her like she had two heads, before two of them took the egg and started playing catch. My gran still had no idea what was going on, but the chuckling manager happily gave her a free box of new ones. The next time I saw her I let her know what had happened and she spent the day with a huge grin. Apparently, what had really shocked her and my mum is that I’d managed to not tell anybody about the prank until it paid off! My gran still mentions it whenever she goes to that supermarket.)

After a busy day, we spent a long night washing dishes, and we were all exhausted after working all day. One of the servers came to ask us if we had any clean forks so that they could finish placing silverware, but didn’t know that one of the other servers had just picked up all we had left.

Without thinking, I said, “Sorry, we’re fresh out of forks to give.”

My manager overheard, and started laughing.