(Our class is usually pretty rowdy and the teacher always comes in yelling about how he can hear us from the staff room. One day one of the girls comes up with a plan to try to freak him out. We are all extremely quiet and all sitting at our desks with straight faces when he comes into the room.)

Teacher: “What’s going on in h…”

Entire Class: “GOOD MORNING, MR [TEACHER]! WE ARE ALL IN OUR PLACES WITH BRIGHT SHINING FACES!” *we all give a demented grin*

(The teacher gives a horrified look, walks out, and looks at the door number before returning.)

Teacher: “I’m in the right room.” *sits at his desk stunned* “Um, how about you don’t do that again?”

(The whole class burst out laughing.)

(It is the end of the year, and almost every classroom is being used for testing. Because of this, my class has been forced to wait in the hallway. All of us are all tired and hot. Classmate #1 is lying on their backpack.)

Classmate #2: *walks over to [Classmate #1]*

Classmate #1: “Don’t touch me.”

Classmate #2: *hovers hands over [Classmate #1] without touching them*

Classmate #1: “Stop it.”

Classmate #2: “Stop what? I’m not doing anything.”

Classmate #1: “[My Name], make him stop.”

Me: “[Classmate #2], stop doing nothing.”

Classmate #2: *pokes [Classmate #1]*

Substitute: “You! Stop doing that!”

Me: *looking around* “What?”

Substitute: “THAT!”

Me: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Substitute: *storming up and taking my pen out of my hand* “THAT!”

(She puts the pen in my right hand.)

Me: “But I’m left-handed.”

Substitute: “No, you aren’t. You’re an abuse survivor who needs to learn how to live in the real, NORMAL, world.”

(I stare at her in total confusion.)

Substitute: “Your parents are drug abusers who had nothing better to do than torture their son. Now, it’s all right; it will take time to adjust, but you will soon realise that those year of neglect and pain will ease, and that you have been right-handed all along! *goes back to the whiteboard*

(I kept switching back to my left hand, but she kept coming over to scold me. She eventually gave me a detention, but I didn’t go. I’m so happy she was just a substitute and I thankfully never saw her again.)

(One of my students takes my lessons just so his English skills don’t deteriorate, so we mostly just tend to chat during the time. He lived in the US for several years, so his skill level is quite high, but occasionally some cultural aspects still slip by.)

Student: “I just think it’s so much more stiff and formal in Japan. I mean, Americans are just so friendly!”

Me: “Well, I think that depends on the person, but overall I probably agree with you.”

Student: “Everyone’s so open and welcoming! There are even ads on TV telling you to call them if it’s late at night and you want to chat to someone!”

(He didn’t realize those were phone sex lines.)

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(I am a teacher providing a tour for parents of new students in the next year. There are two in the group who are very vocal. The atmosphere is pretty casual, and parents are free to ask questions whenever they like.)

Parent #1: “Excuse me? How often is there a nurse in the school?”

Me: “We have several first aiders who are present at all times, so immediate care can be given. As for the nurse, we have two who tend to switch. Thursday are usually their days off. Generally we have both on hand with tasks needing more involvement, like shots and and lice checks.”

Parent #2: “Shots as in vaccines? Oh, no, no, no. My son won’t be doing those. It’s so dangerous.”

Parent #1: “Yes. How could people be so careless! Did you know that the MMR vaccine has a 100% chance of causing autism?! I refuse to left my son be a r****d!”

Me: “I guess I’m a r****d, then.”

(Neither parents looked too happy with my retort, and one of them pulled their student out of the school. The other, however, attended school and gladly had his vaccinations. Apparently there was some words exchanged between his mother and father, to which I assume the father won.)