(Every day, we’re called to lunch in groups, then left to wait in a cramped, drafty corridor until a teacher comes up to tell us they’re ready. Or often, just left there for ages for trivial reasons…)

Worker: “Well, the thing is, they’re ready now. But I’m not the one who’s been scheduled to send you down today. As soon as we work out who it is, we can send them up.”

(She disappears for a long time. We’re getting restless and hungry.)

Worker: “Okay, we’ve worked out who’s supposed to do it, but we’re not sure where she is. We’ll all just have to wait a while longer.”

Me: “If you’re ready, can’t we just—”

Worker: “No!”

(She leaves and my friend stands on a bench.)

Friend: “Right! On the count of three, we all just go down there! One, two three!”

(The whole crowd rushes through the doors as one. Since they couldn’t punish all of us, there was nothing they could do and had to get on with serving us.)

(I am in my last year of school, which usually results in a relaxed teaching atmosphere because everyone who is still there really wants to learn. For the last two years of school students can choose most of their courses; however, maths is mandatory for everyone. I end up in one of those mandatory classes. Needless to say, none of the students are too interested in the subject, just trying to pass. That year we are assigned a new teacher who is pretty young and obviously excited to start his first real teaching job. On the first day of class…)

Teacher: *after his introduction, beaming at the class* “So that’s enough about myself. Now, are you excited to study some maths? Tackle those solutions!”

(Embarrassed silence follows his words. Finally, a classmate speaks up slowly:)

Classmate: “Mr. [Teacher], do you realize what sort of course this is?”

Teacher: “Sure? Year 13, Basic Maths?”

Classmate: “And… sorry to kill your buzz, but none of us chose to be here. Basically, we sort of hate maths, but we have to endure it to get our certificates.” *several nods and murmurs of agreement from the rest of the class*

Teacher: *looks taken aback and sort of crestfallen* “But… I mean… You’re all… I mean, really? But maths is fun!”

(In the end, we feel so sorry for him and his crushed hope that we come to an agreement: We’ll do the work willingly, no debating and moaning, as long as he accepts that this is certainly not ‘fun’ for us. In exchange he actually sets aside one hour per week for us to all play games together instead of doing coursework, complete with impromptu theatre or the occasional show organized by a student who was an amateur magician. It improves the mood so much that everyone puts in the work in their free time, and I actually pass the course with better grades than in the years before. At the end of the year, after grades are given and coursework completed, we have a couple lessons left with nothing to do, so we usually end up just chatting. On the last day ever, the teacher comes in and stands up proudly:)

Teacher: “Here’s to the end of my first year as a teacher. I’m happy to say you guys taught me more than I ever expected, and I want to thank you all for putting up with me and my apparently abnormal love for maths. May you all prosper in your non-scientific endeavours.”

(We all clapped and laughed. Afterwards, though, he added:)

Teacher: “Besides, I’m so f****** happy they assigned me the advanced class for next year. I’ll be with my kind again at last.”

(I just got a test back and my teacher doesn’t write down percentages, so I calculate the percentage in my head. My friend, who is sitting next to me asks me to do the same for her.)

Friend: “How do you do that, especially so quickly?”

Me: “Oh, that’s an easy one! You know how everybody has a secret superpower they have to discover themselves?”

Friend: “What? No. Whatever. Continue with the story.”

Me: “Okay, so, my superpower is that whenever I go shopping there is a sale, but the weird thing is these sales are always very specific number like 53% or 29%. I always go to the mall with one friend, who always asks me for an item’s sale price because she is too lazy to get her phone out. So, after years of her asking and me calculating I’ve become really good at it!”

Friend: “Wow, with your algebra class and acceptance to that prestigious engineering program, I thought you were gonna say that your superpower is mental math.”

Me: “The power of shopping!”

(I later let my mom know that shopping is educational for me.)

(This is a conversation overheard after self-defence class at my local Y.)

Boy: “I’m never fighting you again. You fight dirty!”

Girl: “Hey, I told you to wear a cup and most attackers won’t be wearing cups in real life! You have to hit them where it hurts! [Teacher] said to make the fight realistic!”

Boy: “Well, realistically, I think I won’t be able to have sex EVER AGAIN!”

This story is part of the Gym roundup!

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(Conversation overheard while playing boys versus girls soccer:)

Guy #1: “How come the girls only pass the ball to girls?”

Guy #2: “I know, right? And they call us sexist.”

Guy #1: “Jeez.”

Me: *in my head* “Lord save the human race…”