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Day Of The Tentacle

, , , , | Right | April 22, 2019

(I work in a popular discount shoe store, and I am putting stock away when a customer walks in wearing a white tank-top, a thick gold chain, and a fake fur coat.)

Customer: “Hey. Do you guys sell men’s boots?”

Me: “Yup, they’re in the next aisle over.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Hey, what’s on your necklace?”

Me: “It’s an octopus and a clock face.” *spreads the charms out to show him*

Customer: “Cool! Hey, did you know that when octopuses mate, the male shoves its tentacle p***k into the female’s brain so they literally f*** each other’s brains out?”

Me: “I’ll remember that for trivia night, sir.”

(He then went to go look at boots as if nothing had happened at all.)

The Customer Is Never Right, Even When They Are

, , , , | Right | April 1, 2019

A customer comes up to customer service while I’m running it and shows me a jar of peanut butter. He thinks it’s on sale, but isn’t sure because there isn’t a tag for it on the shelf. I start off sceptical because usually, if there’s no tag there’s no sale, but I grab a nearby flyer for the week’s sales to double check. I’m pleasantly surprised to find peanut butter on sale that is a different flavour pictured, but the same brand and size as the man’s. I tell him that in all likelihood the jar he has will be on sale, but he isn’t certain. Since it’s not busy, I get someone to cover customer service while I take the man to the aisle to observe the situation.

In the aisle, I find all the flavours of peanut butter of that brand and size marked with sale tags except for his own. I tell him that despite this, odds are that the one he chose simply had its tag knocked off by a passing customer and that I can personally guarantee that it is on sale. But the man still isn’t sure.

I then see a clerk walking by, one who I know regularly puts up the new sale tags every time the sales change, and grab him to ask him. He tells us both that the peanut butter the customer grabbed is absolutely the correct kind, as he remembers clearly putting up tags on every single flavour, including the one in question. The man leaves, but he still looks uncertain. About twenty minutes later, after the man finished his shopping, he comes back to customer service and thanks me for all my help, but informs me that he put the peanut butter back because he “only wanted it if it was on sale.”

I just find it amusing that in the five years I’ve worked at this store, the only time the customer was ever right they managed to make themselves wrong in the end, anyway!

I Drink Your Milkshake!

, , , , | Friendly | March 31, 2019

(While doing some running around, I decide to treat myself. It’s spring and milkshakes are available at the local burger place. I use the drive-thru and order a small chocolate one, and while I’m waiting, another vehicle pulls up. I notice because their music is loud and I can see them rocking out in their car. It is bright outside and while I can see there are two people, I cannot make out any details to identify them. I pull up to the window.)

Worker: “It’s free. Have a good day.”

Me: “Really?”

Worker: “Really.”

Me: “Okay. Is it a promotional thing or something?”

Worker: “No.”

Me: “Okay, then why is it free?”

Worker: “Oh, your friend is paying for it.”

Me: “My friend?”

Worker: *clearly getting annoyed* “Yes, your friend in the car behind you. Have a nice day.”

(She closes the window before I can say another word. I pull forward, trying to see who is in the car behind me, but with the sun reflecting I can’t see into the vehicle. It gets to the point that either I continue blocking the drive-thru or I give up. The drive-thru is full, so I decide it’s best to keep moving. I leave the drive-thru, and about a block later my cell goes off. I arrive at my next stop, check my messages, and reply)

Best Friend: “Figure out who paid for your shake yet?”

Me: “No. I couldn’t see into the car; the sun was reflecting too much.”

Best Friend: “That sucks. Is the chocolate shake at least good?”

(I finally realized she was the one who’d bought my shake and I thanked her. FYI: she’s still laughing at me.)

You’re So Hot

, , , , , | Romantic | February 10, 2019

(My husband is getting ready to go to work, which he really doesn’t want to do.)

Me: “You have to start the car to let it heat up; it’s cold outside”

(He gets an evil grin on his face, walks up to me, and grabs my boob, turning his hand a little.)

Me: “What do you think you are doing?”

Husband: “Starting the car, but it’s not working. OH!” *while still holding my boob, he moves behind me and stands so his front is touching my backside* “Maybe I have to put the key in.”

Me:Out! Go start the car!”

(He opens up his mouth to say something, but before he does I specify:)

Me: “The Malibu!”

Husband: “But you are my Malibu Barbie.”

(Laughing, he runs out of the house to start the car. A couple of minutes later, he is back inside and asks where his mitts are; I borrowed them to shovel some snow.)

Me: *handing them to him* “Sorry, they are still wet. At work, you should put them by a heater or something so they dry properly.”

(Again, he gets that evil smile and walks up to me, placing a mitt on each shoulder. I just look at him.)

Husband: “They will be dry in no time now.”

Me: *oblivious* “What do you mean?”

Husband: “You said to put them by something hot!”

(He is the weirdest romantic you will ever meet, but he’s mine.)

“I Don’t Read” Doesn’t Read Well As An Excuse

, , , , , | Right | January 22, 2019

Customer: “I’d like to return this.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t do returns at this company.”

Customer: “Since when?!”

Me: “Well, I’ve been here for five years and I know we haven’t done returns in that time.”

Customer: “It doesn’t say that anywhere; I wasn’t informed of this so I want my money back!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it says right here on the receipt that we don’t do refunds, but I’ll be happy to put it on a gift card for you.”

Customer: “I wasn’t aware you don’t do refunds; therefore, I want my money back. I didn’t see that on the receipt.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, we tell all our customers our policy during the transaction. It also says it here and here.” *points to a large sign on the wall and a sign on the cash desk*

Customer: “This is all new to me. I still want my money back. I paid cash for this and that is what I want back.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, but there isn’t even an option for us to do that. We can put the amount you paid onto a gift card for this store, and that total will never expire.”

Customer: “I want to talk to your manager.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am the manager of this location, but I can definitely call another manager who has been here since day one, if that is what you want.”

(After speaking on the phone to the other manager, I then passed the phone to the customer. She was very calm and sweet on the phone. Then, she passed the phone back, grabbed her merchandise, and exited the store, never to be seen again. I’ll never understand why customers think that they can just change rules whenever they want. I don’t make them up; I only enforce them.)