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A Wordsliposaurus

, , , | Right | March 30, 2020

(My husband and I work at the same hotel; I am housekeeping and he’s at the front desk. A fellow housekeeper quit, so even though I’m part-time, I’m working six days a week while my husband has his normal full-time hours.

I am assisting with planning my sister’s baby shower which is the day after my son’s birthday. Exactly a week before my son’s birthday, my father has a heart attack which, thankfully, he survives. I am giving this information so one can understand how crazy things are.

We decide to do a last-minute party on my son’s birthday two days away since it’s my husband’s day off before I go to work. When we confirm this, I literally run to the bakery for a cake. When I get there, it is busy; I manage to place a late order for the party.)

Baker: “Writing?”

Me: “Happy Birthday, [Son].”

Baker: “Colours?”

Me: “He likes blue… and green… and red… It doesn’t really matter; he likes all colours.”

Baker: “Would you like flowers or balloons or something?”

Me: “Yeah, that would be great.”

Baker: “Which one?”

Me: “I’m sorry, umm, actually, would it be possible for a dinosaur?” 

Baker: “Sure, you can bring in a picture and we can put it on the cake, but it’s much more expensive.”

Me: “No, it doesn’t need to be fancy. I was thinking like a doodle of one instead of balloons. My son is turning three; he will recognize it even if it’s not pretty.”

(The baker looks at me a little confused and I ask to borrow her pen and paper and draw a head long neck and body.)

Baker: “Oh, now I understand. Well, everyone would know that’s a dinosaur, and that should be easier than flowers.”

Me: “And my boy is obsessed with dinosaurs, so he’ll be so happy.”

Baker: “Okay, it will be ready at [time] on [birthday].”

Me: “Okay, great, thank you for being difficult.”

(I turn to walk away and I realized what I said.)

Me: “Oh, my God! I meant to say, ‘Thank you, and sorry for being difficult.’!”

(Thankfully, the baker thought it was the funniest thing she had ever heard and was laughing… as was literally everyone who heard me.)

The Time Traveller’s Strife

, , , , , | Right | November 10, 2019

(Working in a photo lab, I see all kinds of terrible pictures. On this occasion, after I develop the negatives, this customer’s pictures are completely out of focus. I develop them anyway, because they seem to be of a vacation, and mark them as “no charge.” When she comes to pick them up, she demands that the cashier come and get me.)

Customer: “These pictures are all out of focus!”

Me: “Yeah, sorry about that. I salvaged everything I could.”

Customer: “I want you to try again.”

Me: “Sure, I’ll see what I can do, but don’t hold your breath.”

(I print them again and try to adjust brightness and saturation to try and get more definition, but it’s still terribly blurry.)

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, this is the best I can do.”

Customer: “I want you to do this properly, and print them in focus!”

Me: “Ma’am, the only way that’s happening is if I go back in time and teach you how to use a camera.”

(She stormed off and I got a complaint, but it was worth it.)

Fifty Years And They’re Still Not Over It

, , , | Legal | August 14, 2019

(I work at a small, privately-owned funeral home. While my main job title is embalmer, during less busy periods I also work in the office and often have to answer the phones. The funeral home opened in 1935 and was named after the original owner; the business has changed hands numerous times over the years, but the name has always stayed the same. This has resulted in some telemarketers requesting to speak to the original owner who, of course, has been dead for more than 50 years. Usually, we just tell them we aren’t interested, as the owner figures if they can’t bother to figure out who owns the business, then they mustn’t have anything of use for us. However, one day, after having already received several phone calls asking for [Original Owner], I decide to have a little fun.)

Telemarketer: “Good afternoon. This is [Telemarketer] from [Scam Company]. Could I please speak to [Original Owner]?”

Me: “I’m so sorry; you hadn’t heard? He passed away… in 1965.”

Telemarketer: “Oh…” *click*

(I figure the very least a scam company could do to make their act convincing is to update their records.)

More Than 3.6 Roentgens On The Crazometer

, , , , | Right | July 20, 2019

(A customer approaches me as I work the customer service desk.)

Customer: “Do you carry any more [Store Brand] yogurt in the package of twelve little cups?”

Me: “I don’t believe so, but we do have tubs of [Store Brand] yogurt, and plenty of other brands have yogurt in the little cups, as well.”

Customer: “No, I read the labels. That’s all sugar candy. But have you heard about Chernobyl?”

(The question is so out of left field it takes me a moment to realize he actually said it.)

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “And you know that it was a huge nuclear meltdown in Russia?”

Me: “Yeah…”

Customer: “Well, while the US government was spreading propaganda about them killing their citizens, the Russian government did a top-secret study to find ways to reverse radiation sickness.”

(I’m screaming internally, trying to figure out what this guy’s game is.)

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “And they found a probiotic bacteria in Bulgaria and they called it bulgaricus. Now, when they gave this to the people who were exposed, it was like the divine hand of God coming down from the heavens and healing them. Do you understand?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “And bulgaricus is only found in certain brands of yogurt, and [Store Brand] was the only one I’ve found!”

(I’m still very much thrown by this customer’s passion about the healing powers of yogurt, but I’m thankful that the conversation has turned back towards relevance.)

Me: “Well, as I mentioned before, we do still carry [Store Brand] yogurt in the large tubs. Really the only difference is the serving size. There’s also [Other Large Brand], which is pretty famous for being probiotic yogurt.”

Customer: “No, I already checked them, and they just have acidolphus! Everything has acidolphus, but it’s not bulgaricus! And they’re all sugar-candy! It was just your brand in the small cups!”

(He’s starting to get agitated, and people in the line that’s formed behind him appear just as concerned as I am, so now I’m just trying to end this.)

Me: “Okay. Well, I can’t promise anything, but when I get a chance today I’ll ask my manager if any of our other locations still carry our yogurt in the smaller size. And if it’s still in our system, we might be able to order some in for you special.”

Customer: “All right, but if it’s not bulgaricus then it’s just sugar-candy and I won’t have it!”

(The customer left after that. I relayed the story to my manager afterward, who responded with an expression of confusion and fear to match my own. Still, we called the other locations and found a store that still carried that size, so hopefully, we’ll be able to make him their problem. But what’s been bugging ever since is whether this guy thought he would need to be able to cure radiation sickness in the near future, or if he needed to cure it right now?)

Wiping The Place Clean Of Guests

, , , , | Right | June 11, 2019

(I work the late shift at a hotel. While it’s not unusual for people to comment about my hours, this is definitely the most amusing conversation to date.)

Woman: “Oh, my God, are you still cleaning?”

Me: “Yes, I am the late shift.”

Woman: “What? You clean all night?”

Me: “Not normally; the odd time I’ll be here until midnight, but normally 10 or 11. Tonight I’m off at 11.”

Woman: “Wow, you are a hard worker.”

Man: “You must do the work crews.”

Me: “Yes, sir, my main responsibility is cleaning the rail crews’ rooms since they are constantly routing.”

Woman: “So, someone does cleaning all night?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I am the late cleaner and we have an early cleaner who starts at five am. There is no housekeeper for the slowest part of the night, but if needed the front desk will clean a room for them.”

Man: “You do what you have to. How are the rest of the rooms divided up?”

Me: “We have other housekeepers who work normally eight to four; their job is the regular guest rooms. If the early cleaner or I have free time we will also clean the regular rooms.”

Woman: “Twenty-four-seven cleaning is crazy! I will write to your head office for you and I promise we will never stay with this hotel again!” *walks off before I can say anything*