Customer: “Hey, I’m looking for a cow costume.”

Me: “Yes, sir, I actually have several cows. I’ll bring one right out.”

Customer: “You have several? Good, I actually want two: a male and a female.”

Me: “Okay, sir, I’ll be right back with both.”

(A short time later.)

Me: “Here is the cow, and this is one of our bulls. I actually have him in three colors: black, white, or brown. Do you have a preference?”

Customer: “A bull? That’s your male cow?”

Me: “Uh, yes. A bull is a male cow.”

Customer: *skeptically* “I don’t know about that.” *leaves without getting anything*

(I’ve been given a rare opportunity to take a trip abroad. My dad has offered to take care of my two cats for me, so I don’t have to pay for boarding and the cats can be more comfortable at home. In his early 60s, Dad’s mind is as sharp as ever, but things like listening and following directions have never been his strong suit, for his whole life, to hear my aunt and uncles tell it. Before I leave for my trip, Dad comes over so I can show him where food is kept and how to use a bin I have by the litter box to make scooping easier. It’s a pretty simple design: you scoop the waste into the top compartment, pull a handle, and the waste falls into a compartment below to be taken out and disposed of once the bag is full. I offer to walk Dad through it but he assures me he’s got it down. After a week away, I return home and Dad picks me up from the airport.)

Dad: “You know, that litter contraption of yours is a waste of money. It doesn’t cut down on the smell at all, and it barely holds anything! I sprayed some of that air freshener you’ve got but I thought I’d better warn you. The whole apartment stinks.”

Me: “Really? That’s so weird. I’ve always found it to be very useful, and I’ve never had any complaints before. You used it according to the directions, right?”

Dad: “Of course I did, just like you told me. How much did you pay for that thing, anyway? If it was more than five dollars you got swindled.”

(I get home and go straight to the bathroom where the litter box is kept, and sure enough, the top compartment of the litter bin is overflowing with dirty litter, while the bag in the bottom is empty. For a full week, dad had been scooping litter into the top without pulling the handle to empty it into the bottom. Thankfully, a little airing out and some pet odor-removing spray was all it took to get rid of the smell!)

(I work as a ticket collector for a public farm. They have a play area for children, with tons of attractions like a corn maze and bouncy castles, and of course, farm animals. The animals are caged in so they can’t injure the guests or vice versa. A teenager and their father comes up to the ticket booth. The father doesn’t seem to speak English well.)

Dad: “Can… Can you… hug the chickens?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, could you please repeat that?”

Teen: *cuts in, embarrassed* “Can visitors interact with the farm animals?”

Me: “No, sorry. They’re behind a fence for the visitors’ safety.”

Teen: “Oh.” *in Chinese to the dad* “I don’t want to go if I can’t hug the chickens.”

(We have two pet chickens in the entire farm. There are petting zoos for a reason.)

(I work on a college campus as a dispatcher for the campus police. The college is small and backs right up to a mountain and desert area so there can be wildlife. It also has a larger number of international students. One evening I am at work and my sergeant on duty is going over paperwork in the office when I get a panicked, hysterical 911 call.)

Me: “911, what is your emergency?”

Caller: *with a heavy accent* “Oh, oh, oh, please! You have to help! You have to help!”

(Adrenaline starts pumping; I can tell by her voice that she is truly terrified. My change of demeanor has my sergeant leaping up, ready to get out the door as soon as we have a location.)

Me: “Ma’am, please tell me where you are.”

Caller: “I’m in my car— I’ve locked the doors. Oh, my god, there are people walking around! They are going to get eaten!”

Me: *thinking: WTF, eaten?* “Ma’am, what is the emergency? Where are you parked?”

Caller: “It’s— There’s— It’s wild foxes! They are right here! By the [Building], just-just-just here!”

(My sergeant, who is listening but can’t be heard, loses it. She is cracking up so much and I have to stay professional sounding.)

Me: “Ma’am, did the foxes approach you in anyway? Are they following people around?”

Caller: “No; oh, god, is someone coming? There are people just out and they could get eaten!”

(My sergeant indicates that she will go so the other officers can complete their rounds.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, an officer is on there way. Foxes generally don’t eat people. It is okay.”

(My sergeant is there in about three minutes and then calls me less than ten minutes later, laughing so hard she is crying.)

Sarge: “[My Name]! They… they… they are just two baby foxes! Tiny cubs! Playing in the sprinklers… She locked the car and wouldn’t even roll down the window to talk to me! There are students taking pictures of the foxes. I finally got her to crack the window and convinced her she could drive away. BABY foxes!”

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(My dad always teased my grandmother just as she put a spoonful of dessert into her mouth.)

Dad: “Haha, that’s the dog food spoon.”

(Every time it would freak my grandmother out until my mother would reassure her that they always kept the spoon they used for the dog separate from the rest of the cutlery and that the dog never went near the spoon. My grandmother had started going to the Senior Citizen’s club and was making friends until the Club’s president invites her home for dinner one evening. She came home swearing that she’ll never go there again or to the club.)

Mum: “What happened?”

Grandmother: “Well, it was a lovely dinner and afterwards I thought I’d help and asked if there was a bin to scrape the plates into. [Club President] told me not to worry as they give the scraps to their dog. She put the plates on the floor and let the dog lick all of them clean. Then she washed them in lukewarm water. I thought I was going to be sick. ”

(She never went back to the club as she could not face the president again.)