Questions That Break The Bank

, , , , | Working | November 16, 2017

(I have just had my bat mitzvah and it is common to get money donations as gifts. My dad wants to open an investing account for me, and we need to call our bank’s 24-hour trading line to open it. The person on the other line is asking me questions that are difficult for a 12-year-old, and I constantly have to ask my dad for the answers.)

Bank: “I’m sorry; we need your answer. You can’t be speaking to anyone else.”

Me: “But I’m 12! I don’t know my SIN number off by heart. Can’t I let my dad speak for me?”

Bank: “No, it has to be you.”

Me: “But I can’t answer them without speaking to my dad.”

Bank: “Just answer the question!”

Me: “I don’t know my SIN off by heart. I’m looking for it!”

Bank: “Okay, forget it. How much do you have in the account currently?”

Me: “I don’t know! Let me log in.”

Bank: “I don’t think you’re really [My Name]. I’m freezing the account; you’ll have to come in to prove you’re really [My Name].”

(My dad wrote a letter to corporate, and now there’s a note in my file that says all my personal questions can be answered by me or my dad until I’m 18.)

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Some Managers Like To Rip You A Cart

, , , , , | Working | November 14, 2017

(I work at a theme park in a portable cart. At my cart, there is no phone but company policy says we aren’t allowed to have cell phones on our person. The main store at the theme park is also in charge of my cart, so if there is a problem, I send people to the store. Unfortunately, the manager on duty doesn’t like me, for reasons unknown. Of course, she is in charge when my till freezes in the middle of a transaction.)

Me: *to the customer* “I am so sorry; my cash register isn’t working. Unfortunately, company policy says I can’t keep a cell on me, so if you don’t mind going into that store—” *points to store in front of me* “—and asking for [Manager], she can help.”

(The customer walks into the store. I wait a few minutes and my manager, who doesn’t look happy, comes out. She fixes my till and leaves, blaming me for the broken till, as I finish counting out the customers.)

Customer #1: “I am sorry you have to work with her.”

(I don’t get along with my manager, but it would look bad to bad-mouth her in front of people, so I just smile and nod.)

Customer #2: “When we came up and told her that your till was broken, she asked us why we were telling her. Obviously, you can’t leave this cart alone; someone might steal something.”

Me: “Yup.” *trying to keep my smile from showing*

Customer #1: “Keep up the good work.” *winks at me and walks away with purchases*

(Thank you, [Customer #1 and #2], I felt good all day.)

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Lawyers Live In A Fantasy World

, , , , | Right | November 7, 2017

(A customer comes up to my till to buy a John Grisham book.)

Customer: “Oh, these books are so good!”

Me: “That’s great. I hope you enjoy this one.”

Customer: “Didn’t John Grisham publish books under another name?”

Me: “I don’t know. Not that I know of.”

Customer: “Why don’t you know?”

Me: “I just haven’t heard that. Plus, I don’t read John Grisham, so…”

Customer: “What? How can you even work at a bookstore if you don’t read John Grisham?”

Me: “Um, because I read other stuff.”

Customer: “Like what?”

Me: “Like fantasy.”

Customer: “Fan… ta… sy? Fantasy?”

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Surely You’ve Tattooed Stranger Things

, , , , | Working | November 2, 2017

(My dog recently passed away, and I decide to get a tattoo of him on the inside of my arm. I show the artist a picture and he starts drawing the design on my arm with a marker. Just as he is getting the ink ready, I notice something is a little off.)

Me: “Excuse me. You did this upside-down.”

(The head is near my elbow and the bottom is near my wrist.)

Artist: “No, I didn’t.”

Me: “I wanted it to start at my wrist.”

Artist: “But then it would look upside-down.”

Me: “I want it there, so I can look at it, and so that I can show it off to my friends, like this.” *I flip my arm over*

Artist: “But everyone else will think it’s upside-down.”

Me: “I don’t think anyone will be able to get a good look at that part of my arm under normal circumstances.”

Artist: “Fine.” *he redraws my tattoo facing the right direction* “It’s going to look like this forever; are you sure you don’t want it the other way?”

Me: “This is good.”

Artist: “Okay. I hope you like your upside-down tattoo.”

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Getting Into The Meat Of Being Kosher

, , , , | Working | November 1, 2017

(I volunteer for a local channel that films activities happening in the community. We are currently filming a local Italian cooking talent show. As we are working long hours, the channel provides us with free lunch. When the production assistant comes around to ask about what kind of pizza we want, I say I’m kosher and to not get a meat pizza. The pizza arrives, and as I’m in line for a slice the PA comes over and hands me a salad.)

Me: “Oh, sorry, this must be for someone else.”

PA: “You aren’t vegetarian?”

Me: “No. I’m kosher.”

PA: “Oh, I thought they were the same.”

(To not embarrass the PA, I take the salad. A little while later a camera woman approaches me.)

Camera Woman: “Hey, I heard you’re vegetarian, too!” *shows me her salad*

Me: “Oh, I’m not vegetarian; I’m kosher. There was just a mix up with the PA.”

(Again… while we’re setting up lighting:)

Director: “Hey, [My Name], when did you become vegetarian?”

(I wasn’t really mad; I just found it so funny that me being “vegetarian” was the gossip on set. We all need a break from one another; clearly we are too involved in each other’s lives.)

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