Each Birthday Brings Darker Days

, , , , | Right | February 25, 2010

Customer: “Do you guys still do that free tan on your birthday thing?”

Me: “Yes, we do!”

Customer: “Well, no one called me!”

Me: “Oh, we don’t actually call the clients.”

Customer: “How am I supposed to know when to come then?”

Me: “You just come in on your birthday.”

Customer: “Well, when is that?”

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A Beeping Idiot

, , , , | Right | February 16, 2010

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cellphone Company]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Okay, now listen: this cellphone won’t make outgoing calls. What the h*** is wrong with it?”

Me: “I’ll check to see if there are any blocks on it or anything wrong with the account.” *beep*

Caller: “Did you hear that beep? It keeps doing that, too!”

Me: “Wait, are you calling me from that cellphone?”

Caller: “Yes, why?”

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The Lights Are Off, But Sadly Someone’s Home, Part 2

, , , | Right | February 12, 2010

Caller: “I’m trying to help my mother with a computer problem. Her Internet keeps cutting out and just stops working without warning.”

Me: “That’s unusual. Does the computer offer any error messages?”

Caller: “No, that’s what’s really weird. The computer also just dies randomly.”

Me: “The computer dies and the Internet stops. Does anything else happen?”

Caller: “She says the lights go out in this room.”

Me: “Just that room?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Does she normally turn off the lights by using a wall switch?”

Caller: “Yes, how did you know?”

Me: “Is her computer plugged into something like a power bar, that is plugged into the same outlet as the light?”

Caller: “Yes… oh. I’m an idiot, aren’t I?”

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North Of The Moral Border

, , , , , , , | Right | February 4, 2010

(A mother approaches me, violently dragging her two teenage boys along.)

Mother: “I demand you call the police immediately and have them arrest those ‘flashers’ at once!”

(She motions to the two topless girls on the beach.)

Me: “Actually, here in Ontario, it’s legal for women to go topless. Are you not from around here?”

Mother: “I am from America where we have morals and standards. You people sicken me! They are far too young to be doing that!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but there is technically no age limit on the law. It applies the same as it does to your sons.”

Mother: “Is there not a family section for decent people to enjoy the beach without these sick perverts exposing themselves to everyone?”

Me: “Again, I apologize, but it’s not about the beach. It’s legal for women of any age to go topless anywhere outdoors they please… same as men.”

Mother: “I will sue this whole country for punitive damages! My sons will be scarred for life!”

(Her sons are clearly scarred, as they are staring at the topless girls with huge grins on their faces. All of a sudden, three more topless girls walk past. She attempts to cover both her sons’ eyes with her hands.)

Mother: “Heathens! You will all burn in Hell! Sinners and perverts, that’s all you Canadians are!”

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No Shirt, No Brains, No Service

, , , , , | Right | February 4, 2010

(Although I normally work nights, I’m taking another drive-thru shift for a friend.)

Me: “Welcome to [Coffee Shop]. May I take your order, please?”

Customer: “Chicken wrap guy.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Chicken wrap guy.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m not the girl that normally works drive-thru. We switched shifts.”

Customer: “So, you don’t know my order, then?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but I don’t. What would you like?”

Customer: “Crap. Now I have to remember what I eat!”

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