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Feline Felony

, , , , | Right | July 6, 2010

(I am finishing my break and heading back to the checkout. A woman frantically calls me over and asks me if she’s allowed to take a free cat food sample, and I tell her yes. About ten minutes later she comes through my lane, with fifty or more cat food samples stuffed down her top, cradled in her arms, and in her handbag.)

Me: “I’m sorry, the free samples are one per customer.”

Customer: “I was just picking some up for my friends.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but your friends will have to come and pick up their own sample.”

(She sighs and throws all the samples that she was holding in her arms onto my checkout.)

Me: “You also have a lot more of our samples down your top and in your bag. You can’t have those ones, either.”

Customer: “How dare you! I will have you know that I am currently eight months pregnant!”

Me: “I told you that you could have a free sample ten minutes ago, and you weren’t pregnant then.”

Customer: “Oh, s***!”

(She emptied all the samples from down her top onto the floor and sprinted from the store, trailing escaped samples from her handbag as she went.)


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High Commission Brain Attrition

, , , , | Right | July 4, 2010

(A woman tourist in her late thirties rushes up to my desk, followed by a man who appears to be her husband, and three children.)

Tourist: “Ma’am, ma’am, this is an emergency! My family have missed our flight and our passports are gone!”

Me: “I can put you in touch with your high commission, ma’am.”

Tourist: “Oh, yes! Would you?”

Tourist’s Husband: “Sweetheart, I have the passports at the hotel.”

Tourist: “Oh. Well, we still missed our flight! It’s June 18th and we were meant to leave on the 12th!”

Me: “Ma’am, may I see your tickets, please? Then I can put you in touch with your travel agent.”

Tourist: “Here you go!”

Me: “Ma’am, see here.”

Tourist: “Yes, June 12th.”

Me: “No, ma’am. July 12th.”

Tourist: “Oh.”

Tourist’s Son: *looks about eight* “Oh, mom….”

Tourist: “Oh, yeah, can you give us directions to that museum thing, Ta Pape?”

Me: “You mean Te Papa?”

Tourist: “Yeah.”

Me: “This is Te Papa.”


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The Tower Of Babble

, , , | Right | June 28, 2010

(I am of Asian descent.)

Me: “Good morning!” *starts scanning groceries*

Customer: “Ni hao!”

Me: “Oh, I’m not Chinese.”

Customer: “Konnichiwa!”

Me: “I’m not–”

Customer: “Shalom!”

Me: “Sir, that’s not even–”

Customer: “Namaste!”

*silence*

Customer: “I know so many languages! So many!


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Lack Of Common Sense Can Get you Fired

, , , , | Right | March 31, 2010

(We monitor intruder and fire/smoke alarms. After activation, all fire/smoke alarms need to be manually restored by a user code.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] from [Company] calling. Am I speaking with [Customer]?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “We had a smoke alarm activation earlier today, and as per the instructions on your file we advised the fire service to attend. They found nothing wrong, but I’m calling to advise you that the smoke alarm needs to be reset.”

Customer: “You had a smoke alarm?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Customer: “And you sent the fire service?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Customer: “What the h*** did you do that for?”

Me: “Because those are the instructions we have on file, sir.”

Customer: “You should have sent a patrol! This is ridiculous!”

(Note that standard patrol response time is around 45 minutes, depending on various factors including traffic.)

Me: “Sir, if there was a confirmed fire on site, there wouldn’t be much a patrol could do.”

Customer: “They could have called the fire service!”


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Riverdunce

, , , | Right | February 25, 2010

(A patron approaches me after sitting through a three-hour classical concert.)

Patron: “Excuse me, when do they start dancing?”

Me: “Um, there is no dancing, ma’am.”

Patron: “Isn’t this Riverdance?”

Me: “No, ma’am. This is the New Zealand Symphony orchestra. Riverdance is on at the theatre next door, and finished about an hour ago.”

Patron: “Why didn’t you tell me? I thought this was the warm-up act.”


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