I overheard this while visiting my elderly parents.

Mum: “Dear, you’ve left the bathroom heater on again!”

Dad: “No, it turns itself off after a while.”

Mum: *Irritated* “NO, IT DOESN’T! IT’S ALWAYS ME!”

Dad: *Teeny-tiny voice* “Oh.”

At our university library, we have subscription memberships so people who aren’t staff or students can use the library. During lockdown, we aren’t allowed to let these subscription members in. I answer a call.

Me: “[University] library, [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: *Not listening* “Hi. Can I come in to print my vaccine pass?”

Me: “Are you a student or staff member at [University]? Due to the alert level, you have to swipe your [University] card to come in.”

Caller: “Well, I’m a library member.”

I think she means a subscription member.

Me: “I’m sorry, subscription members can’t use the [University] library at the moment, but—”

Caller: *Instantly outraged* “Oh! Oh! So, they were lying on the radio yesterday when they said we could come into the library to print our vaccine passes? Why would they say that?!”

I realise she hasn’t listened to what I said.

Me: “Ah, you can go to the public library and they will print it for you.”

Caller: “Oh. Who are you, then?”

Me: “This is the [University] library.”

I believe I could hear her deflating as she meekly asked me to look up the correct number. Apparently, she didn’t hear me say the name of the university four times.

A student comes to the information desk.

Student: “Someone has taken my bag and laptop while I was away. I left them with my friend but my friend has gone, too, and I can’t get in touch with her. I wonder if staff moved my bag when the bookshelves were moved?”

Me: “Huh?”

Student: “There are shelves now where they weren’t before.”

I suggest that she may have mistaken which floor she is on, and her friend is still there with her phone switched off. She doesn’t think so but goes off to check the other floors. 

Because, of course, the totally reasonable explanation is that the librarians are building shelves, reshelving books, printing new shelf labels and signage, moving the study tables, updating the website, and hiding your bag and friend, while you are downstairs buying a coffee!

No, the student didn’t come back!

I am helping an older male patron with the printer. I’m female. He asks what I think of a particular sexual abuse case that is in the news. I give a vague answer, which he doesn’t listen to as he starts rambling about all these terrible things coming to light now all over the world. He says that it is great that people can speak up now, but it’s terrible that it happened at all, and everyone knew but no one said anything, etc.

Patron: “I guess you ladies in the library wouldn’t have these problems?”

I start to reply but he carries on:

Patron: “It’s the pretty young girls who have to worry, isn’t it?”

I didn’t know where to start with that, so I just said the printer was fine now and left him to it.

(I work as a bus driver and I’m at the end of my run when I notice a young man asleep at the back of the bus. I wake him up…)

Me: “Excuse me, but we’re at the last stop; you have to get off.”

Customer: “Oh, f***, you were supposed to drop me off at [Street]!”

Me: “Sorry, but you didn’t ask me to let you off there when you got on.”

Customer: “WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE!”

(I check my pockets and come up empty-handed.)

Me: “I seem to have left my ability to read minds in my other pants.”

(It wasn’t the answer he wanted and he couldn’t stay on as I was on my last run. He did ring and complain about it, but I had already told my dispatch about it.)