God Acts; Warranties Break

, , , , | Right | December 2, 2018

(About a week or so ago, there was a fairly large earthquake in the region which caused a reasonable amount of damage. I am working at the customer services desk one night when a customer comes in carrying a large TV.)

Customer: “Hi. I bought this TV a few months ago, and it fell over in the earthquake. Now it is no longer working.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, sir, but there is nothing we can do about that here; you will need to contact your insurance company.”

Customer: “But it has a one-year warranty.”

Me: “Yes… but it is a warranty against manufacturing defects, not against physical damage caused by the earthquake. You will need to contact your insurance company about obtaining a replacement.”

Customer: “But… it’s broken and it has a warranty. Why can’t you fix it?”

Me: “Because the damage is not covered by the warranty. Warranties do not cover Acts of God; that is the job of insurance companies. The manufacturer will not cover damage that is not their fault.”

Customer: “But… there’s a one-year warranty, and the TV is no longer working. Why can’t you fix it?”

Me: *sighs heavily*

(He eventually left with his TV after several more exchanges where I tried to explain that there was no way he would be able to get his TV repaired under the warranty.)

Synergist Of The Year

, , , , | Working | November 21, 2018

(I work for a company that has an external stakeholder who is incredibly high-maintenance. One of my colleagues has just been promoted to head of team, and has asked everyone to give her a short list of “pain points” that we have to deal with on a regular basis so she can raise it with the stakeholder. This conversation happens between her and me the following day.)

Me: “I’m trying to think of a subject line for this email that isn’t ‘Pain Points,’ as you know I’ll get pulled up on it.”

Colleague: *doesn’t even blink, pause, or take a breath* “Use ‘Opportunities for Improvement.'”

Me: *bursts out laughing* “Had to do this a few times, huh?”

Colleague: “Yeah, just a few.”

(Clichéd business language always makes me laugh.)

You’re Being Pun-ished

, , , , | Romantic | October 23, 2018

(Every weekday, my partner and I drive home from work together. I tend to get out and check the mail, as our mailbox isn’t that waterproof. This occurs on a rather rainy day, when I’ve just bragged about winning a pun war with some friends.)

Me: “I have another one! What kind of tree does a scientist grow? A chemis-tree!” *bursts out laughing*

Partner: “Wow, that’s pretty bad.”

(We pull up to the driveway.)

Partner: “Hey, are you going to get out today?”

Me: “It’s raining, so I—”

Partner: “Because you should.”

Me: “Too many puns?”

Partner: “Out.”

Me: “Aw, man.”

Pill-Popping Out Punchlines

, , , , | Related | October 2, 2018

(My sister has come to stay with me for the weekend and we are in the kitchen making breakfast. Due to health issues, I take multiple medications every day and have done for several years. I start counting out my many pills on the counter when my sister looks over.)

Sister: *pointing to one* “Is that a new tablet? Wow, its big.”

Me: “Eh, it’s not that big, but it is dissolvable and even raspberry flavored.”

Sister: “Still, do you cut it in half? It must be hard to swallow.”

(Looking up at her, I sweep the pills into my palm then swallow them all at once with practiced ease, all without breaking eye contact.)

Sister: “…”

Me: “Yeah, I could probably swallow a golf ball by now.”

Unfiltered Story #119055

, , | Unfiltered | August 28, 2018

(I work at a popular fast food chain restaurant which has an inside play place for small children. A child has gone down our slide and got stuck. My manager is standing by the door keeping customers back while the fire department works to free him. I’m moving tables when I hear this exchange.)
Women: Hi, can you move out of the way so my son can play?
Manager: I’m afraid not ma’am as the play place is closed.
Women: Oh its okay, my son won’t be a bother to the firemen.
Manager: Sorry, the play place will reopen after they finish their work.
(The women pushes my manager out of the way with everyone staring at her)
Women: What? My son wanted to play?

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