(It’s my last day at a retail job in a women’s clothing store chain. The customer in front of me has always been unpleasant to his wife and the staff. The store credit card is in his name, not his wife’s, and he always shops with her to tell her what she can and cannot buy. He also comes into the store once a month to pay the credit card bill. Every single time, he complains about the chip reader not working yet.)

Me: “Are you paying cash, check, or debit?”

Customer: “I always pay by card.”

Me: “Please swipe your debit card now.”

(The customer removes the sign advising that the chip reader is not functional and inserts his card into the non-working chip reader.)

Customer: “The chip reader isn’t working. Why isn’t the chip reader working?”

Me: “The system isn’t updated yet. Please swipe your card, instead.”

Customer: *now really angry* “Why the h*** isn’t the chip reader working yet? What the h*** is taking so long?”

Me: “Sir, do you think that if I had the ability to write the code that would allow the point of sale system in this store read your chip in that machine that I would be standing here taking your payment?”

Customer: *suddenly subdued* “No.”

Me: “Then are you going to pay or not?”

(The customer mutely removes his card from the chip reader and swipes it. He doesn’t say a word the rest of his transaction.)

Me: “Here’s your receipt for the payment. Have a nice evening.”

(The store assistant manager has been standing next to me the whole time. I look at her and ask if I’m fired.)

Assistant Manager: “H*** no. Today you get an extra employee discount. I’ve wanted to tell that jerk off for over a year.”

(I work as a surgery scheduler. My office is near the check-in and I hear this go down:)

Check-In: “Good morning! Who are you scheduled to see?”

Patient: “[Doctor].”

Check-In: “All righty, then, and what’s your name?”

Patient: “…”

(I work in an office that deals with ear issues, so the office is used to patients who are hard of hearing.)

Check-In: “Sir?”

Patient: “Hmm?”

Check-In: “What’s your name?”

Patient: “None of your business.”

Check-In: “Sir, I need your name in order to check you in.”

Patient: “I said it’s none of your business!”

Check-In: “Sir, I need your name or I can’t let the doctor know you’re here.”

Patient: “The doctor knows who I am!”

Check-In: “Sir, you’re a new patient to us, so the doctor won’t know who you are. I need to know who you are. Do you have your insurance card?”

Patient: “Yes, I do.”

Check-In: “Okay, can I have your insurance card, please?”

Patient: *growing more aggravated* “No!”

Check-In: “Sir, if I can’t check you in, the doctor can’t see you.”

(Now the patient is furious. I pop my head out of my office and see this grown man stomp his foot and throw his hands in the air. The entire office is silent now.)

Patient: “What kind of doctor’s office is this? You people all want my information and you can’t have it! It’s none of your business! You have all my information in your little computer! I’m not giving you my information so you can take my identity!”

Check-In: “Sir, that’s not why I need your information. I just want to let the doctor know you’re here for your appointment.”

Patient: “Forget it! Screw all of you! You’re what’s wrong with America!” *stomps out of the office* 

(The check-in gent and I shared a look before going back to work.)

(I work for a utility company in western New York. This customer calls asking for service. From time to time, people call and find out that somebody has used their info to fraudulently start service. This is not one of these situations. I have just informed this customer that he has had two different accounts under his name with our company. He insists he has never had service, so I take a closer look.)

Me: “Sir, I see here that the first address where you previously had service was taken over by your wife after your account ended.”

Customer: “I lived there but it was never in my name. It was only in my wife’s name. I have never had service; somebody must have stolen my identity.”

Me: “Hmm… I also see that the second account listed is at the very same address and it starts immediately after your wife’s account ends. You had service two times at an address where you actually lived.” 

Customer: “I don’t know how that is possible. I mean, I lived there, but I have never had service under my name. Obviously, this is fraud.” 

Me: “So, what you are saying is that somebody stole your personal info to fraudulently start service at an address where you were actually living before your wife had service there and then did it again after your wife’s account ended?”

Customer: “Yes, I think this is what has happened.”

Me: “The only way to dispute these accounts is to file a police report about your identity being stolen and fill out a fraud packet to start an investigation.”

(This usually stops the nonsense dead because nobody wants to file a false police report. Well, they have actually done this and been arrested on the spot, but I digress.)

Customer: “This is not fair. I have never had service under my name. What am I supposed to do?”

Me: “You need to be able to prove you weren’t living at an address you have already admitted that you lived in on a recorded line. “

Customer: “How much do I have to pay?”

(I’m a waiter at a fancy restaurant.)

Customer: “Excuse me, sir, are those ‘must wash hands’ signs only for the employees?”

Me: “Yes, sir. By law, we must wash our hands to prevent contamination.”

Customer’s Date: *looks disgusted, gets up, and leaves*

Customer: *plays on his phone for thirty minutes, then throws money on the table and leaves*

(I am on a business trip to New York. At my suggestion, our group goes to a famous NYC deli for dinner, a place known for their pastrami and for their brusque staff. When the waitress comes over to get our order, this conversation ensues:)

Me: “I’ll have a pastrami sandwich, lean, and—”

Waitress: “Have you ever been here before?”

Me: “No, but I’ve been to other delis.”

Waitress: “It’s just that here, ordering the pastrami lean is considered a cardinal sin. I mean, if you want to take away all the fat and have something like jerky…”

Me: *smiling* “Okay, do it your way.”

Waitress: *mimes cracking a whip at me*

(Later on:)

Waitress: “I try to be nice to people, but sometimes I have to be a b****, and that can get me in trouble.”

Me: “Wait, isn’t being nice against company policy?”

Waitress: “Oh, I wouldn’t get in trouble with my boss…”