Customer: “Excuse me, I was just wondering… I see some signs out there on the front door that say, ‘Theaters For Humans Only.’ Can you tell me what those are?”

Me: “Oh, those are some promotional signs for an upcoming movie, District 9. They’re designed to look like real warning signs as part of a viral marketing campaign.”

Customer: “Oh, cool! So what’s the movie going to be about?

(I explain the overall plot to the customer. Halfway through, her boyfriend returns from the restroom and listens quietly while I finish explaining.)

Me: “…so the aliens land in South Africa, and they end up becoming like refugees.”

Customer’s Boyfriend: *completely serious* “Wait, hang on a second… so are the aliens real?!”

Me: “Oh, no. It’s the plot of this movie called District 9.”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “Oh, good! I thought there’d been some news report and I’d missed it or something. Wouldn’t want to feel silly!”

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(I work in the home insurance department for a large insurer. We offer standard Buildings and Contents with an optional add-on of Home Emergency. This is for burst pipes, boilers going down, etc.)

Me: “Good afternoon, you’re through to [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’ve just bought a new TV. Is it covered under my Contents insurance?”

Me: “Yes, it will be covered under Contents.”

Customer: “And is it covered under Home Emergency?”

Me: “Sorry, how do you mean?”

Customer: *sighs* “I MEAN, how long will it take for you to get a replacement television out to me if this one stops working?”

Me: “Um… unfortunately your television is not covered under Home Emergency.”

Customer: “Why not?!”

Me: “We don’t class a broken television as an emergency.”

Customer: “Well, I do, and I know I’m right! What do I do if my television breaks and I can’t watch my programmes? GOD D*** PHONE MONKEYS!” *hangs up*

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Me: “Hello, this [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I have your company name on my credit card bill with a charge of $29.99. I’ve never heard of you guys.”

Me: “Okay, sir… there’s a purchase of a monthly subscription to our adult website in here.”

Customer: “Adult website? What, as in p*rno?”

Me: “That’s correct, sir.”

Customer: “This is nonsense! I’ve never bought any p*rn!”

Me: “Sir, we do have the order in your info in here. If you are not satisfied with the content, however, we can give you a refund.”

Customer: “I never ordered any p*rn! This is an outrage! I’m a married man, a father, and a family man!”

Me: “You said family man, sir?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “How old is your son, sir?”

Customer: *long pause* “I’ll call you back.” *click*

Me: “Thank you for calling [cosmetics], this is [My Name], how may I help you today?”

Caller: “Yes, I’m looking for nail polish.”

Me: “Okay, what kind?

Caller: “Did you watch The Price is Right the other day?”

Me: “Sorry, no.”

Caller: “They had this blue car on there, and I want that color for my nail polish.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I didn’t see it. Could you tell me what type of blue this was? Perhaps a medium or bright blue?”

Caller: “It was a car blue.”

Me: “I see. I’m not sure what that means, so I can’t really help you. You could always come in and look around.”

Caller: “Well, how many blues do you have? I don’t want to waste my time!”

Me: “We have many different choices, ma’am.”

Caller: “Right, but I want the blue from The Price Is Right!”

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Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I was just wondering what is currently showing at the moment?”

Me: “Well, the current production is Timon of Athens.”

Customer: “Oh? Is that another sequel of The Lion King? Can I book seats for that?”

Me: “It’s a Shakespearean tragedy. It’s not about lions.”

Customer: “Oh, so it’s just about the meerkat?”

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