Me: “Thank you for calling [Cable Company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, yes. I accidentally ordered an on-demand movie because my select button was stuck and as I was trying to unstick it, the movie got ordered, and I need to stop it.”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that. Just hit the stop button on the remote.”

Customer: “Okay, it’s stopped.”

Me: “And what was the name of the movie?”

(Customer tells me the title of an adult movie.)

Me: “So, let me get this straight: in the process of unsticking your select button you pressed the down arrow three times, the right arrow two times, the right arrow again, and the down button four times?”

Customer: *gasps* “You pervert!” *click*

Customer: “I’m hoping you can help me. I saw a movie on TV with Kevin Costner and I want to rent it but I don’t know what it was called.”

Me: “Okay, what was it about?”

Customer: “I don’t know, I didn’t see it all. But what I saw was him with a mustache.”

Me: “Okay. Was it Western-themed?”

Customer: “I didn’t see it.”

Me: “Well, did it look like it was set in a different time period?”

Customer: “No. It was with Kevin Costner. So, some time in the last 30 years.”

Me: “Hello, what movie?”

Customer: “Hi, I want tickets for two.”

Me: “Two tickets, but what movie?”

Customer: Yes, for number two.”

Me: “Oh, I see, sir. The names of the movies on the side of the building don’t relate to the screen they are going to be in. What is the name of the movie you want to see?”

Customer: “This is stupid, my wife and I want to see number two! It’s posted outside. You should know what movie it is!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Can you tell me what the movie is about?”

Customer: “I said it was NUMBER TWO!”

(Finally, the wife jumps in.)

Wife: “Honey, just sell us two tickets for a movie. We can figure it out.”

(As she requests, I sell them two tickets. A moment later, I can hear the husband grouching right beside my register.)

Customer: “What kind of crap is this?! I don’t want to see no movie called JACK-A**!”

Wife: “Honey, you are the jack-a**, and the whole theater just got a free showing!”

(At the box office where I work, the customers have a bad habit of not reading the marquees for the names of their movie. Here are a few of the better ones:)

Customer: “What’s Gadjicka about?” (Gothika)

—

Customer: “I’d like two tickets for El Scorpio.” (The Scorpion King)

—

Customer: “Is that Luxj movie any good?” (The League of Extraordinary Gentleman, abbreviated as LXG)

—

Customer: “How dare you show a movie called School of C***?!” (School of Rock)

—

Customer: “Can I have three for Legally Blind 2?” (Legally Blonde 2)

—

(Best minimum wage job EVER.)

(A customer and her two teenagers come up to my register at the theater.)

Me: “Welcome to [Movie Theater]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Why is 28 Days Later rated R?”

Me: “Violence, bad language, intense scenes, and nudity.”

Customer: “What kind of nudity?”

Me: “Uh, I don’t know. Let me ask.”

(I turn off the mic and turn to my manager.)

Me: “What kind of nudity is in 28 Days Later?”

Manager: “Male.”

(I turn the mic back on and speak to the customer.)

Me: *to customer* “It’s male nudity.”

Customer: “Oh, we’re seeing this!”

Customer’s Teenagers: “Mom!”