(I overhear a fellow salesperson’s sale. He is with a customer but another customer interrupts.)
Customer: “I want to make you an offer on this laptop. I give you $650.”
Coworker: “Sorry, sir, the price is $749.”
Customer: *looks at his wife and nods* “I give you $650 plus three chickens!”
Coworker: *fighting back a smile* “Sorry, the price is $749.”
Deli Customer: “I’d like the Italian, please.”
Me: “Would you like any condiments on that? Spicy relish, oil?”
Customer: “Yes, I’d like both, please.”
(I finish making the hoagie and ring up the price which is now $3.20 with the extra condiments.)
Customer: “Last time I was here, my hoagie was $2.75.”
Me: “Actually, that’s the price of the regular Italian hoagie. Is that what you wanted instead of the Super Italian?”
Customer: “No, I wanted the Super.”
Me: “Well, the Super is $3.00, and with the spicy relish and oil your total comes to $3.20.”
Customer: *angrily* “Last time it was $2.75!”
(She walks off to the counter to pay, and complains to the assistant manager.)
Assistant Manager: “She says she’s coming in tomorrow to complain about you to [Owner].”
Me: “Oh, great…”
(The next day…)
Owner: “You made sure she wanted the Super Italian?”
Me: “Yes.”
Owner: “And you made sure you checked that you added up the price right?”
Me: “Yes… so what do you think?”
Owner: “Psht, f*** her!”
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Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”
Customer: “Hi there. I got these promotional cheques at 3.9% for my Visa card. I was wondering if I can pay my Visa bill with them.”
Me: “No, miss, the funds will be coming out of your Visa account. Therefore, you can’t pay the Visa with the same Visa account.”
Customer: “Why? I don’t see why not…”
Me: “Because the funds will be coming out of your Visa account. It doesn’t make it a lesser balance, it makes it a higher balance. Therefore, you can’t pay your Visa with the same Visa.”
Customer: “I think this is stupid. I should be able to do whatever I want with my cheques.”
Me: “Do you write yourself cheques with your bank account to yourself, and not have to pay for it?”
Customer: “Well, no… that’s just silly.”
Me: “Do you see how it works, then?”
Customer: “Yeah, I guess. But I should still be able to do it!”
(Many years ago, in an electronics store far, far away…)
Woman: “I just bought this computer and I can’t connect to Prodigy.”
(eMachine had offered a $400 rebate for users who signed up for a year of Prodigy ISP, but the modems in their PCs wouldn’t work with Prodigy. Doh!)
Me: “Yes, there’s a problem with some of the eMachines not working with Prodigy. I’ll put a new modem in for you and it will work. You can come back in about an hour to pick it up.”
Woman: “I don’t want you to do that!”
Me: “Uh… what?”
Woman: “I don’t see why I have to get this fixed!”
Me: “Unfortunately, your computer has a faulty modem, and the problem was found after it left the factory. However, I can replace your broken modem with a brand new one for free, and that will take care of the problem.”
Woman: “But I don’t want you messing around in my computer!”
Me: “This is my job–I install computer components all day.”
Woman: “Well, I don’t want you messing around in there breaking things!”
Me: “Replacing a modem is not that complicated. It’s like putting a new tire on a car.”
Woman: “But if I just bought a new car, I shouldn’t need to have the tires changed in order to get it to work!”
Me: “Yes, I understand that. I apologize about the faulty modem, and I’m offering to fix it for free.”
Woman: “Well, I changed my mind. I don’t want that! Just cancel my Prodigy subscription.”
Me: “…so you’d want to keep the broken modem?”
Woman: “Yes, I want to keep it. Cancel my Prodigy subscription.”
Me: “Ok, you got a $400 rebate for signing up for a year’s worth of Prodigy. If you cancel it, you’ll owe us $400.”
Woman: *yelling* “WHAAAATTTTT? I’M NOT PAYING EXTRA MONEY FOR A BROKEN MODEM! I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO PAY MORE MONEY! YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO RIP ME OFF!”
Me: “You got $400 off of your computer because you signed up for a year of Prodigy. If you cancel, then you have to pay the full price! How can you not see that?”
Woman: “THIS IS B*LLSH*T! YOU’RE TRYING TO STEAL FROM ME! I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!”
(We got her security instead.)
Man: “Hey! I put my card in the ATM machine over there and put in my numbers, but it won’t give me any money. Does that even make any sense?”
Me: “I’m sorry sir, the ATM is owned by that bank. You’ll have to call them.”
Man: “Oh, you would say that!”
Me: “If you’d like, sir, I can try to give you cashback here at my register, but I cannot access your bank information.”
Man: “I mean, I go to my bank and I can get out money just fine, but here… it won’t even work. I mean, does that make any sense?”
Me: “Would you like me to call my manager for you, sir?”
Man: “Oh, you’d try to save your job, wouldn’t you!”
(And then it gets weird…)
Man: “Wait!” *points at ceiling* “There used to be windows there! You people boarded them up!”
Me: “WHAT?”
Man: “Yeah! YEAH! The guys on the computers! I bet you have them up there watching me and keeping me from getting my money!”
Me: *laughing* “Um, sir, there are no people living in our walls. Go to your bank, and have a nice day!”
Man: *grumbles and leaves, turning back to look at the ceiling every few steps*
(From that point on, my co-workers who witnessed this blame everything on the ‘people in the walls’.)
This story is part of our crazy customer conspiracy theorists roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!
10 Strange Stories About Customer Conspiracy Theorists
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