When our daughter was young, we were at a candy store in a huge mall around Easter time. [Daughter] was looking at the huge chocolate-covered eggs — the size of your fist — and noticed that one of the pretty candy flowers had fallen off. We brought the box with the chocolate egg over to an employee and showed her the flower.

The lady looked at my daughter.

Lady: “Oh, don’t worry, honey. We’ll just lick it and stick it back on,”

And she gave my daughter a wink. Then, just in case anyone overheard our conversation and actually believed what she had said, she looked around the room at the other customers and said, in a much louder voice:

Lady: “We’re not going to actually lick it; we have icing in the back to stick it back on!”

It’s funny that you have to actually tell people that you’re joking, just in case they think you’re serious!

I work at a craft store that also sells fabric. It’s a Thursday, which means that we mostly work on things in our seasonal departments and sometimes are staffed a little light. Our fabric and framing departments each have a bell for customers to ring when they need assistance, and my coworkers are good about listening and paging each other when they hear said bells. The phone rings. I answer with my standard greeting.

Customer: “Can I get some help at the cutting table?”

Me: “Uh, yeah. I’ll be right there.”

I go to the fabric table.

Me: “I’m sorry! I was on the other side of the store and didn’t hear the bell!”

Usually, when I would say something like this at a previous job, customers would either admit to not seeing the bell or not hitting the bell. Not this customer. She says nothing about the bell; she just tells me how much fabric she needs. When she’s gone, I get on the phone.

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], have you heard the fabric bell lately?”

Coworker: “No, we haven’t heard it for a while.”

Me: “Cool. That’s weird, then.”

I told half my coworkers about this woman who apparently ignored the bright orange sign indicating a bell to ring for assistance and instead called the store to ask for an employee. It’s not like the bell was hidden, although it may not have been in the spot it should have. It’s bright orange, though, so it should be relatively visible from any side of the table.

I don’t get people.

I work at a local non-profit thrift store. Since summer is approaching, we have a sale where all long-sleeved clothing is 50% off. All of our regular long-sleeved shirts are normally $4.00 (so $2.00 during the sale), and our three-quarter-length-sleeved shirts are $3.50 and NOT currently on sale.

A lady comes to my register with a stack of clothes.

Customer: “These are all long sleeves.”

Me: “Okay!”

As I’m going through the clothes, ringing each one individually, I notice a three-quarter sleeve. As we are a local non-profit and all of our inventory comes from donations, we cashiers are given quite a bit of leeway about how we can interpret sales and such. So, I decide to enter the shirt as a long-sleeve and give it to her for half-off.

Customer: *In a very rude voice* “That is clearly a three-quarter! You need to pay attention to what you are doing!”

Me: *In my sweetest voice* “You are absolutely right, ma’am! Sorry about that!”

I void the item and enter it back in as a three-quarter sleeve after the discount. I finish the transaction and hand her her clothes and receipt.

Customer: *Looking at the receipt* “Why didn’t I get the discount for this?”

I point at the big sign by the registers.

Me: “The sale is only for long sleeves. Three-quarters don’t apply.”

Customer: “But it’s more than what the long sleeves cost!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. But you did insist that it was a three-quarter.”

The customer stomped out of the store in a huff.

This was long ago, when I was a teenager. I’m in my sixties now. My stepfather was a perfectionist. I wasn’t allowed to shovel the walk in case I missed a spot and someone slipped and sued us. I wasn’t allowed to wash his car because I might scratch it. And I definitely wasn’t allowed to touch his stereo system. Back in those days, a good record player/radio with three-foot-tall speakers was expensive, but the sound quality was amazing. 

One day, my stepfather was listening to the radio on his sound system. 

Stepfather: “You know, if you listened to decent music like this, instead of that garbage kids like these days, I’d let you use my record player.”

Me: “Oh, really?”

I ran upstairs and grabbed the record my friends and I had been listening to every day since it came out the week before. Coming back downstairs, I put it on the turntable, switched it on, and dropped the needle… right on the song we’d been listening to on the radio, almost perfectly synced up. 

He takes a moment to think.

Stepfather: “Fine, you can use the record player.”

Me: “Thanks, Dad.”

Stepfather: “Not too loud, mind! You could damage the speakers.”

Me: “Yes, Dad.”

Stepfather: “And only decent music, like this. None of that hippie crap.”

Me: “Sure thing, Dad.”

Stepfather: “And not too late. Or too early.”

Me: “Right.”

Stepfather: “And mind the needle! If you wear it out, you’re buying the next one.”

Me: “Of course, Dad. I can do that.”

He finally ran out of stipulations.

Stepfather: “Well… fine!”

I sat back to enjoy the first of many evenings enjoying my records in the living room. And my relationship with my stepfather improved as he began to trust me more.

I am part of a group that does volunteer work. We had an event coming up, and for the first time, I was calling members to ask them to help out. It went really well until I tried to call this one guy. A woman picks up the phone.

Woman: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi. I am [My Name] from [Volunteer Group]. May I please speak with [Man]?”

Woman: “What?”

Me: *Slightly louder* “Umm, hello! I am [My Name] from [Volunteer Group]. May I please speak with [Man]?”

Woman: *Calling out LOUDLY* “[Man]! Someone’s on the phone for you!”

Man: *Distant but still loud* “WHAT?!”

Woman: “Someone’s on the phone!”

Man: “WHAT?!”

Woman: “THE PHONE!”

Man: “WHO IS IT?”

Woman: “It’s someone from [Volunteer Group]!”

Man: “WHAT?!”

Woman: “PUT YOUR HEARING AIDS IN!”

Man: “THEY ARE IN! WHAT IS IT?”

Woman: “Come answer the phone!”

Man: “WHAT?!”

They went back and forth like this for several more minutes, getting louder and louder, arguing among other things about HER needing hearing aids, too. I finally just gave up and moved on to the next volunteer.

I mentioned this at our next meeting and everyone acknowledged this couple are both quite hard of hearing and don’t like to admit it.